Beyond the Body (an interview with Genesis P. Orridge)

The lead vocalist for the band Throbbing Gristle and one of the founding minds of Psychic TV, Genesis P-Orridge has been charged with having invented industrial music, acid house and some even lump Brit Pop into that mix. A musician, performance artist and social provocateur, Orridge has made it his, or her, life’s work to push the boundaries of social behavior. From the early days of living in an anarchist commune fueled by the infinite frustration he experienced in the 60s and 70s he has always worked to explore the intellectual and very human experience of why do we do the things we do. His art has taken many forms, it is both playful and confrontational and has covered ground ranging from pornography, totalitarianism, Nazism, love, peace, evolution and especially gender. Both his art and music often defy the conventional, in fact they mischievously and intelligently deny the use of conventional expression as words and symbols and definitions become altered, removed, unnecessary. Throughout his career his life has become inseparable from his art and most recently he and his other half, Lady Jaye began a physical, living art project that saw them both undergo body modification and plastic surgery in an philosophical and artistic effort to explore the concept of what they call Pandrogeny – the realization of a third entity that exists beyond the sum of either one of them. Unfortunately the project has since ended with the abrupt passing of his partner Lady Jaye in October 2007. Regardless, he continues with his work, having recently released an new Psychic TV album and DVD and his intelligent and thoughtful ability to articulate his ideas and heartfelt hope for the survival of the human race has helped him find a new and excited audience in Universities around the world. I spoke to Genesis on the phone from New York.

ONLY: How are you?

G.P.O: It’s been a really hectic week. Tomorrow we’re the visiting artist at NYU so we have to get things organized.

ONLY: I can imagine that there is a lot to talk about on your behalf.

G.P.O: I suppose, but it’s been interesting lately, in the last 8 weeks maybe even the last 6 weeks we’ve given a lecture at Rutger’s University, at Columbia and at the gender studies department at NYU and now we’re doing the art department. And at Rutger’s the Head of Graduate Studies said afterward that our lecture had the largest attendance in the history of the University.

ONLY: That’s great.

G.P.O: Isn’t that interesting? That there is that much awareness of the project that Jaye and I were doing?

ONLY: I certainly think that that kind of reaction is quite compelling and an interesting testament to the awareness of both the project and for the ideas and the concepts that you have been working with and towards for so long.

G.P.O: That’s funny to think about for an old codger like me.

ONLY: It must be an exciting time to discover that there is an audience for you.

G.P.O: It is, but obviously it’s tragic that Jaye’s not here to share that with us.

ONLY: Of course. But I’m happy to hear that you have found the strength to continue.

G.P.O: Well it’s partly the fact that there is such a positive response to what he have been doing that encourages me to keep going. It’s an irony isn’t it? Derek Jarmen once said to me, when he just turned fifty and been diagnosed with HIV/AIDS, he said : “You know Gen, now that I’m dying they’re going to throw money at me to make movies and they’re going to give me all this praise and publicity, but they won’t do it until you’re either dying or dead.”

ONLY: I think that anyone who is pushing boundaries or concepts, like yourself, that seems so far ahead of the general public consciousness has to expect that it will take time for the public to catch up. For example so much of what you have contributed culturally and even philosophically has been ahead of the curve. It can sometimes take a generation or two to catch up to what were originally seen as radical ideas.

G.P.O: A good example would be something like industrial music. We did the first Throbbing Gristle gigs to less than 20 people, most of them throwing things and screaming abuse that it was just a racket. Of course, now it’s a global phenomenon and most young people would look at you wide eyed and startled if you said there was a time when there was no industrial music.

ONLY: Of course and obviously you were at the absolute forefront of that. I’ve heard you be referred to as a cultural engineer…

G.P.O: Yeah that phrase popped out one day. I can’t remember where it was but somebody who had enough importance to me to merit that thoughtful said: “How would you sum up what you do in two or three words”…and out pops this phrase, “cultural engineer”. And the minute it popped out we thought it does sound arrogant but there’s enough evidence out there to justify that as an explanation. I mean we have actually taken the flows and the ebbs and the underlying subtexts of popular culture and then submitted it to a detailed analysis and then proposed the next mutation. It’s not so much that we’re claiming that we’re geniuses in an isolated world where we come up with these marvelous ideas, it’s more that we’ve become skilled at reading what’s inevitable in the culture and we have the nerve, the stubbornness or the stupidity to then see if we can make it happen.

ONLY: I wonder how these sorts of expressions, that you seem to naturally migrate towards, begin to form. Is it a result of being engaged with a sympathetic collective group? Do these ideas come about organically?

G.P.O: It’s very much the result of dialogue. It really begins with when we were….oh by the way you probably realized that we’re trying to use “we” instead of “I” so we can represent both myself and Lady Jaye in the physical…

ONLY: I had yes.

G.P.O:…So when we dropped out of university in 1969, we joined an artistic, psycho-therapeutic commune called the Exploding Galaxy, that’s really one of the root influences, one of the basic training camps for a lot of what has come since. It was a very brutal, very analytical environment. You would constantly be interrogated as to why you still looked how you did yesterday or why your hair was the same, or why you wore the clothes other people were wearing…why you were following any habits. That sort of environment of living with no privacy and being constantly intellectually harassed, to be de-conditioned in every possible way has left a very deep imprint on my way of perceiving nonsense reality as we prefer to call it. The other really, really important methodology of course is the “cut up”, in all of it’s infinite variety, which could simplistically be called “collage” refers to the way that we edit our experience of reality, the way that the media edit what they present, the same reality and the underlying themes of that nonsense reality that can be revealed by unexpected collision and frictions and the rearranging the linear structures. All of those techniques, we’ve applied, not just to the mediums of writing, film, video, music and art…we’ve applied it to behavior. And that was where we got into the Shu shamanism and the majik and the focused orgasm and eventually, the body itself. The cheap suitcase as Lady Jaye would call it. Which is where the battle rages between the software program of DNA and the concept at least of intellectual free will.

ONLY: It seems to me that you have treated your whole life as an art project really…

G.P.O: Absolutely.

ONLY: And one of the integral aspects of being an artist is the concept, or rather the process of evolution. To not be mired in one specific approach or by simple repetition of form.

G.P.O: Except here’s the irony and one of the issues that remains problematic. If for example you are Briget Reilly the painter and you see a canvas with stripes and you go: oh that’s probably a Briget Reilly, you see silk screen images and you say: oh it’s an Andy Warhol, you can recognize a Dali. Now how can you recognise these pieces of art? It’s because they are so similar to all the others that went before. That there’s a basic formula, a branding if you like in contemporary language. So the problem for the artist is change and evolution and mutation are absolutely-we would agree with you- the essence to us of creation. and yet to fully live with that means that you are always outside the bounds of the art world, the art market or the music market. The commercial cultural world wants recognizability. As if to say you’re investing in this and you can tell this is what we’ve given you because it looks like all the others. It’s a horrible problem for every artist…do we try to make a living at making art, is creation about making a living? Is it possible to make a living and maintain an obsession with novelty and change? Or do you have to surrender to that and hope that you can still have content? Obviously you know that with me, we did not surrender. (laughs)

ONLY: Your entire career could be seen in the context of this kind of conflict. Particularly in relation to perceived convention or normal behavior. But at the heart of all of this there is also a pattern of love that transcends your work. From the earliest Throbbing Gristle days which were perhaps more directly confrontational and maybe even personally violent, but never has your work openly advocated violence. In fact it goes against violence, so there is an interesting contradiction that your work elicits violent reactions from certain people…

G.P.O: …those who maintain the status quo…

ONLY: …but denies any form of appeal to conventional violence.

G.P.O: Well with Throbbing Gristle and COUM Transmissions we sort of went from theater of the absurd street theater, into again inevitably looking at the intimate structure of personal taboos and behavior. Why for example is it okay to masturbate in bed at home and not to masturbate in the shopping center? the action is exactly the same but the location is changed. So what is it? Is it context? What makes the parameters? Where are the boundaries and why are they there? And who creates the boundaries of what’s acceptable and not in any culture? And of course you can go from one country where is acceptable to have five wives and then to another country where it’s not allowed, and so culture changes in accordance to geography, and therefore it is malleable because the rules can contradict each other depending on where you are. So culture is contrived by human beings, but what is it contrived to do…to control them. In particular to police the aspects of personal experience we find liberating, that’s why sexuality is policed by culture. Because it has so much power. And while it is also linked to love it is a very powerful force. So when we were doing COUM we went from generalized attacks on the absurdity of society’s contrived ethics into a very, very intimate exploration of that interface between the individual’s sexual and imaginative life and how that causes friction and anger sometimes. And to look at the role of male-female as well. While that was all happening we discovered that from having been rejected by the art establishment, we were beginning to be courted and embraced and we felt uncomfortable with that. So we started to move away from that world and look again at what was happening in the outside. we wanted to not be elitist and to just talk to a few people in galleries. We wanted to see if we could change society. If we could actually apply the things we’d learned about behavior and make something else happen. So we experimented with Rock music because that seemed to be one of the most easily accepted vehicles for ideas amongst younger people.

ONLY: Music certainly has the opportunity for the shared experience.

G.P.O: But with both COUM and Throbbing Gristle there were times in our explorations of ideas where people were shocked by the content, but in fact we weren’t trying to shock people we were trying to find out why they were shocked.

ONLY: Interesting. It wasn’t simply a case of “here is the line and we are going to push it just to push it”.

G.P.O: No it was about asking “why is the line here and who created it.” And with TG, we were in our mid twenties and we have to confess there was a lot of anger and frustration in me, as a vocalist and performer at the hypocrisy and the bigotry of the society that we found ourselves in. And also anger that this incredibly unique moment in human history, the 60s, had been battered to pieces by propaganda. It was the only time in human history where millions and millions of young people chose to explore peace, love and consciousness instead of just accepting what went before and accepting violence as an answer to things that were surprising and confusing. It was this amazing experiment, whether people realize it today or not. And yes there was a lot of anger in me and the anger and violence that we felt was directed inwards, because we felt as the artist that we were somehow failing the human species if carried on behaving in these negative self-destructive ways. Why can’t we get them to wake up and realize that war is insanity. And it’s still true. We can’t understand how there could have been a second war…ever. surely after one war thousands of years ago people would look at the dead bodies and wounds and grief and go: “we’ll never do that again.” And yet we keep on and on with these self-destructive, species threatening behaviors. So what is that? Is that what people mean when in organised religion when they talk about the fatal flaw? The original sin? Is that what they mean that in the recording, the software of our behavior there’s something that keeps on and on keeps leading us to self destruction? and if there is…where is hidden? What is it and can we get rid of it? That’s really been the center of all of my work.

ONLY: Your work has always reflected a transformative aspect, even here where you mentioned that you have begun to replace “I” with “we”, and I read this somewhere, in an effort to better represent the multiple aspects with any one person. To use “I” refers to a singularity of personality when in fact most people have many facets to their identity better embodied by the use of “we”.

G.P.O: Absolutely. Yes.

ONLY: You have also consistently taken the use of language and of cultural signifiers and played with them and reorganised them, as you might see in the influence of the “cut-up”, and all of this helps to create a somewhat cohesive narrative for you and your work.

G.P.O: Well thank you. When I first met William Burroughs, way, way back in 1972…it’s kind of funny, but he said to me: “Genesis, this is your task. How do you short-circuit control?” And somehow that instruction has stuck with me really deeply. and when Lady Jay met me, we both, for different reasons had focused on this same issue. “Where is that special flaw in us, where is control and are they the same thing.” And we came to the conclusion that the answer is in the DNA. that the DNA is a software program and in that program, originally, when we were man apes, we needed to have an element of our genetic structure where the male of the species was protective of the female which were the breeders. and in order for the species to survive the males had to be violent to get food, to protect themselves. so anything that was not understood, that was different was attacked. So that genetic program of violent reaction originally helped us survive, it was if you will, a friendly gene at that point.

ONLY: What I find interesting is with that is that the one thing that greatest things that separates us from other creature on an evolutionary scale is our brain. It has allowed us to create complicated social structures, great works of art. It has allowed us to create and appreciate all of these things…

G.P.O: Well we are very clever chimpanzees if you like, and we became toolmakers because of the brain, but what’s happened in a simplified form is that over the next few thousand years from that original situation, we have created and taken control of our environment. So now we have this 21st century environment that is miraculous. We have people floating around in space labs, we can talk to people across the world on these little boxes, we have the internet, computers and it’s mind boggling. But we have not bothered to apply the same amount of effort, finance and thought to our behavior. We now have the same behavioral patters that we had in prehistoric time but in this amazingly futuristic environment. Of course that’s a recipe for disaster. You wouldn’t put a bunch of clever chimpanzees in a room with a bunch of red buttons that set of an atomic war. But basically that’s what we’ve done. we’ve ignored the need to maintain and evolve consciousness on a par with technology. We assumed it took care of itself. Or even worse we’ve assumed that the human body as it is right now is the final version of our evolved self. That it’s somehow sacred. It’s not. It’s a work in progress just like everything else. the brain is still evolving, and getting larger. And now that people are semi-cyborgs with new technologies like ipods and cell phones their brains are going to change again. But we’re not taking it into account and we’re not looking at it as an absolutely necessary are of research in order to maintain our survival. And that’s where pandrogeny comes in. We believe that DNA is the program and the program is out of date. So we need to look at how we can adjust that program in order to evolve, in order to realize our innate potential and to ultimately explore both inner and outer space. But we will never be able to escape this planet and escape disaster if we ignore behavior.

ONLY: Your relationship with Lady Jaye and the living art project that you both embarked on with the creation of the pandrogyne as the realization of the third entity, has at this stage taken on a directly physical manifestation. Would you imagine the next phase of this be a collective conscious recognition and an attempt to transcend the body?

G.P.O: Oh absolutely. That is definitely the next step. It’s worth going back to how the idea of pandrogeny evolved when Lady Jaye and myself began working together. When we met it was a meeting of equal minds, as she was already a quite stunning intellect and it was actual Lady Jaye, who on the first day we met, started dressing me in some of her clothes. That was an intuitive and traditionally female intuition. that the minute she saw me she was beginning to manifest what became this pandrogeny project. And we were so in love, and still are, but you know when you love someone so much you say things like “I wish I could just eat you up” as if to just totally adsorb the other person? Well we felt like that and when you have a mutual orgasm you reach this supreme otherworldly state of bliss. So at the beginning it was an expression of our love for each other and we began to look the same. Very superficially. Doing our hair the same, wearing the same clothes, we got tattoos. I got beauty spots on my cheek to match hers, then she had her nose done to match mine. As that happened we were thinking about why we were drawn so compulsively to become a hermaphroditic middle ground of each other. What was this that was making us feel this way. And we went back to the idea of the “cut ups” and the idea of the third mind where the collaboration reveals something beyond which either participant is the actual author. These “cut ups” were the creations of what Brion Gysin and William Burroughs called the third mind. And we thought that maybe we could take that even further and apply that to identity and to gender stereotypes. Then perhaps we can adjust behavior by neutralizing difference. So we began to take plastic surgery more seriously as a way to get us as close as possible to realizing a third person. By removing differences. To draw a third way that got rid of binary systems and made the discussion become much more conceptual and less rooted in difference.

ONLY: In an interview Lady Jaye discussed how this wasn’t a project directly linked to sexuality and that the idea of, say you having your genitals removed to become more feminine was not the point because that would deny you the possibility of pleasure. Instead that it would be more to the point if you both could have both sets of genitals.

G.P.O: Yes we even spoke to surgeons to see if it was somehow possible to create both genital for each of us. And so far that’s not feasible. But we’d like people to not get bogged down in the male female aspect. Yes we wanted to become hermaphrodites because that would work for human beings culturally as a statement of neutrality, saying lets forget about either or and male, female because that simply encourages polarity. If we remove the binary symptoms and become hermaphrodites and chemical symbols then we can discuss evolution in a much more positive and useful way. This is why pandrogeny digs so deeply into some of the most embedded issues in western society, because it is saying that we need to completely re-imagine ourselves as a species and we need to make decisions socially, politically and economically as a species that is fighting to survive. And once it can maintain a reasonable expectation of survival it must then think of evolution as its primary program. That should be what we all devote ourselves to in one form or another…the mutual and positive and potential rewarding evolution of the whole species.

ONLY: If I were to think of one particular trait that was both a blessing and a curse in the human species I would suggest that our curious nature is something that of we could refine, might help us. It’s what has given us this idea of exploring new frontiers that might be of benefit to us as a species.

G.P.O: Of course that comes back to what you were saying at the beginning about the artist, for us, for Lady Jaye and myself. We absolutely believe that to be an artist, to be a creator is a calling, just like it would be for a priest or a doctor. Lady Jaye was also a nurse. It’s incredibly important to look at things in that way. For us it’s a sacred calling and it’s an act of devotion to the species to become an artist.

ONLY: Is it this idea to give yourself over to something…

G.P.O:…without knowing the frustrations ahead.

ONLY: Yes.

G.P.O: And that’s where what you said about “love being a thread in the work” is so true. There are many tyime when we wish we didn’t care as much as we do, and that we could turn away and say “so what it’s their own problem.” But we just can’t. We are duty bound and honor bound to do everything we can to keep a dialogue of survival and evolution and change alive. In a way pandrogeny seems to be the project that ties together all the threads that have been part of my life before and we see it and its various implications is more than enough to deal with however long we still have left in physical form. The ultimate objective of pandrogeny for myself and Lady Jaye as individuals was always that post physical death we could still be together and still be absorbed into each other and become one new form of self-aware consciousness but that was made of the two of us.

ONLY: If the thread of everything here is that the programming construct is DNA, it seems then that the hope would be at some point to be able to extract or combine genetic material from different sources. For example you and Lady Jaye have shared physical qualities to an extent, but let’s say for example that you loved her sense of humor, or her laugh, it would be of interest then to seek out that genetic material related to the programming for those kinds of things.

G.P.O: That would be fine.

ONLY: I guess the big fear and the big question then is how as a public and as a species do we maintain control over, or even access to that kind of powerful, scientific technology when so much of this technology already lays exclusively in the hands of an elite group.

G.P.O: One of things that tends to happen is that with technology the research costs are so high that the people who are subsidizing it, i.e. the big corporations, that luckily for us, they tend to share the spoils of their research in order to recoup their costs. It’s not altruism; it’s a strange form of greed. Like personal computers and Polaroid cameras and cell phones and all the other things that have come back to us as spillage from the program and so on. The people who invest are so self centered that they let it filter down. Having said that, of course there is going to be fear of totalitarianism but listen, we are entering a state of totalitarian capitalism right now…

ONLY: …whether we like it or not.

G.P.O: Exactly, and so from our perspective it is better to challenge that in any way we can and try to utilize to subvert one obviously disastrous future into at least the option of a future that might be more positive. And perhaps that shift will bit by bit create more shifts until as a species we wake up and think “my goodness, we don’t need to listen to these people.” I man there is probably only five thousand of them, why should we let them control three billion? And then we turn our back on them, at which point their power is gone. So we have to have faith in ourselves and in our intentions. And if we have pure intentions then we will not add to the disaster, if we do nothing we will add to the disaster.

ONLY: Well, hope is a powerful force.

G.P.O: Definitely. The human species is so frustrating to observe because on one level it is so self-destructive and self-obsessed and greedy and violent that keeps on repeating the most ludicrous, nasty and shocking mistakes, especially socially and politically, but we are also the most wonderful creatures, full as you said, of curiosity and pragmatic invention and inspirational imagination…and that’s what you have to hold on to. And we need to nurture those qualities. If we all do that then we would be shocked at what we could achieve.

ONLY: Let’s hope that we get to live, in some form or another to see that day. But speaking of achievement, and this is a bit of a departure, but you have just released a new album.

G.P.O: Oh yes.

ONLY: I thought it was really interesting in the way that it sort of spans a lot of your previous work, but offers new and fresh interpretations of the genres and sensibilities you have touched on throughout the years.

G.P.O: Well we have always done that, taken things and reworked them at certain points.

ONLY: The title of the album, “Mr. Alien Brain versus The Skinwalkers”, I have to wonder if it doesn’t somehow relate to everything we have just talked about.

G.P.O: Hopefully.

ONLY: Well immediately it made me think of the alien brain as something foreign or otherworldly and then the skinwalkers simply being bodies covered in flesh that are in essence automatons.

G.P.O: Yes. Of course the alien brain is the title of the first public theater piece that the COUM Transmissions did, so there’s a reference there that says that this record is covering a whole spectrum of work. For me personally, this is our most favorite album we have ever done. It feels as if it were made by someone else.

ONLY: The accompanying DVD is also a definite bonus. You can really see the hypnotic joy in the performances.

G.P.O: There is a lot of commmaradery in the band. But it’s worth mentioning that all the main tracks were recorded live. There were no overdubs. We were invited to do a program for National Public Radio and they asked us if we would be interested in doing a live broadcast of some songs in honor of Lady Jaye, and we hadn’t played at all since she dropped her body. We had a one hour rehearsal the night before we went. And we recorded live, very much like Abbey Road, in a great big live room, straight to tape so to speak. So we basically improvised most of the arrangements and some of the lyrics spontaneously.

ONLY: That’s quite amazing because to listen it feels so intuitive and together.

G.P.O: It’s quite mind-boggling. We think Lady Jaye was there helping.

  • Discuss
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Help time with Amil Niazi (™)

Dear Amil,

One of my friends is dating a total douche. I guess he’s pretty good-looking, but all he ever does is make fun of her and other people constantly, and not in an amusing way. They’ve been together for quite a while and I can’t really see it ending, but my friends and I think this relationship is really bad for her… she acts differently around him and has bizarrely low self-esteem (even though she’s awesome and has lots of opportunities to date other guys). So should one of us say something, or is that just asking for awkwardness? And if we don’t say anything, how do we avoid hanging out with this a-hole?

Concerned Friend.

Dear She Totally Has Daddy Issues,

He sounds like a fat, abusive, piece of shit. But maybe your friend is into that? MAYBE your friend is not as awesome as you suggest since she is spending all of her time at Mystic Tan and the Keg with Patrick Bateman. Chicken and egg, you know? WHO is the asshole, is what I’m getting at.

What you should probably do is set them both on fire and say “good day.”

Because what is more awkward?

Dealing with this situation now, or having to spend $56.95 on His ‘n Hers Paint Ball guns for their wedding?

Dear Amil,

Am I an asshole? I suspect I may be. How do I live a fulfilling life as an asshole? Is there a future for me in the world of Ultimate Fighting? Perhaps social work? Does this email make me look fat?

Thanks, I guess.

Dear Fat Asshole,

How did you know your girlfriend’s friend would be writing in this week? BANANAS.

Yes, you may want to consider some time in Ultimate Gay Pornography, but that is just a band-aid solution.

Honour suicide.

Consider it.

I will pay for the bullet.

  • Discuss
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Help time with Amil Niazi (™)

Dear Amil,

Not too long ago, my girlfriend, her friend from work, and I were hanging out at her apartment. Whilst my girlfriend was off in her room, her friend and I discussed where we would eat that night. We looked at some places online and he told me he was going to take a shit. Right when he got up I decided to check my email, and Amil, I didn’t have enough time to enter my username and password before he came out of the bathroom. I looked at him in shock and he just said, “what, I’m quick.” I told him it takes me longer just to wash my hands and he said, “I don’t wash them.” I was shocked, but his explanation offended me to my core. He didn’t wash his hands, because he “didn’t touch anything.”

Here’s the problem, when I told my girlfriend about our friend’s filthy hygiene habits and his absurd explanation she responded that a man who doesn’t wash his hands after defecating is “her kinda guy!” I don’t know what to do? How can I be with someone like this? Her kinda guy? I know the women these days are fans of the “dirty” boys, but I always thought dirty was more of a stylistic choice, not someone with heinous hygiene that can put all of our health in jeopardy.

So, I’m guessing the only option is to break up with her? But do I need to somehow light the both of them on fire? Humanity is at stake.

Dear Gigantic Parasite,

That is disgusting and don’t you go thinking that lighting the two of them on fire is going to end this fecal blight on mankind because you have obviously been contaminated yourself. Murder-Suicide. That is the right thing to do.

And tell me this! Did you then afterwards go out and consume food with this person? Are you saying to me that you broke bread right after he broke poo? Ay yay yi!

Look at these worms, do they not look like something that happens to someone when they don’t wash their hands after they poo!? DO THEY NOT?

But I mean, if you really love this person, if that is even possible now, I guess it can be worked out. My toilet clogged on the weekend and I was like, “Okay, Amil, time to move. You can’t ever use this toilet again as it’s been, well, you know – compromised.”

But I love my apartment and it’s too late to start looking for something in the middle of summer, so whatever, I just bleached the shit out of it and then had a really, really long shower. So what I’m saying is, throw some bleach on her, hope it takes and then scrub the fuck out of your wormy body.

Dear Ms Niazi,

I work “creatively” with a group of friends who are generally pretty funny awesome, except for one douche who consistently butts heads with me. Thing is, aside from his stubborn, idiotic ideas and unwillingness to ever listen to me, he’s the one who owns the expensive equipment we use (and by we, I mean not him, because we don’t really trust him with using it properly). We’ve joke kicked him out of the group before, but I’m through with jokes. Is this a situation where poisoning would come in handy? We just have to make sure we borrow the equipment before tainting his Vitamin Water, right?

Adventures in Dummyland

Dear Control Freak,

Just so we’re all clear, you’re a young scamp who has a clubhouse where you make cute Youtube videos with your little friends and one of them is bothering you with his always wanting to do dances to Single Ladies? Right? Because as an objective reader – and more importantly – an adult, that’s what I’m getting from your question. That you are a child.

Oh, you’re using some guy for his web cam, but you don’t know how to tell him that you hate his fat guts and you wish that he had never been born? Well why don’t you get a job and buy your own Carebears Handy Cam, so that your “No Dummiez Allowed” club can be exactly the way YOU want it to be.

Grow up!

Dear Amil,

Your literary prowess and humorability tickle my fancy so.
Perchance, might you be available for dating and/or meaningful friendship?

Sincerely,
No Lecherous Intent

Dear Perv,

1.) Humorability is not A word, let alone ONE word
2.) Pray tell, what sort of meaningful friendship would you like us to have over the internet? Cyber-perv.
3.) Send me a picture, NO FATTIES! A/S/L?

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Help time with Amil Niazi (™)

Dear Amil,

Recently I went to see Phish. My friends won’t stop with the teasing. I’ve tried to play them a few songs to convince them that it’s ok. They didn’t like Chalkdust Torture. They really didn’t like Fluffhead. Now the teasing is so much worse. They are calling me Fluffhead and they mean penis when they say it. What should I do?

Phishhead

Dear Take Me Now Lord,

Wow. You are blowing my Fluffhead with this question. And I mean penis when I say that.

I’m not saying I know the most about music, but when you say Phish, you mean that band with the ice cream? Are we talking about Cherry Garcia?

Look, I saw Lillith Fair at a very impressionable young age so I’m not going to judge you too hard, but you should know that it’s taken years to erase that experience from my memory. But I have. I unbraided the body hair. I took down my “Smash the Patriarchy” posters. I’ve moved on. I’m like, “Paula Cole who?”

So listen to your friends when they say, “Shut up about that band that no one has ever heard.”

The healing starts right here.

Dear Amil,

What should I do with my life? I feel like I’m going nowhere fast.

Aimless

Dear It’s The Journey, Not the Destination (bullet!),

It’s a recession, dummy! There’s not time for pontification or bourgeoisie yearning. People are eating squirrels, god dam you!

Finding yourself is for closers!

Jokes. Here you go:

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15 YEAR-OLD REVIEWS NEW TRANSFORMER MOVIE

If you enjoyed the first Transformers movie then you will definitely enjoy this one. If you did not enjoy the first movie for whichever reason then… well I don’t know. Personally I found Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen an entertaining film to watch, but not much more. It’s loud, action filled, with lots of explosions and hot chicks. Well, one. Pretty much 20 minutes into the film the action explodes and from then on you get to witness ridiculous amounts of electronic devices battling over the destiny of the planet we call home. The sappy moments of this movie highly annoyed me because of the lame writing. You get to know all the quirky little personalities of the machines yet all you get to know about the characters is that Megan Fox looks really damn good running in slow motion. - Lili Davis
It’ll probably be a big hit. [ED]

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Help time with Amil Niazi (™)

Dear Amil,

Help. I like a boy. What do I do?

Crushing

Dear Twilight fan,

I had no idea that this column appealed to a ‘tween fanbase. But I’m honoured you would turn to me in your pivotal “our bodies, ourselves” years. I just assumed most people with your vocabulary were sexting each other to death and then dry humping like zombies until you were teen-pregnant. Modern times! However, the Dance of Romance TM is complicated regardless of age or emotional maturity. Now, without knowing what you both look like it’s hard for me to truly gauge your potential love connection (barf.) But the illustration below pretty much sums up the courtship process as practiced by humans from Roman times to the present.

EASY!

Dear Amil,

Recently, I caught one of my friends showing another friend a magic trick at a bar. He was on his way out but I begged him to show me a trick before he left and when he finally conceded, he showed me one of the most amazing tricks I’ve ever seen. He had me hold out my hands, make a fist while he lit a cigarette, had me open my hand, and there were ashes in my left hand. Amil, I don’t remember for sure, and I was a little drunk at the time, but I think the ashes were still a little warm.

Here’s the thing. I love magic. I don’t know how to do any tricks (magicians prefer the term effect) and I don’t read any magazines or books or the whatnot, but my love is real. I watch magic on TV a lot. I’ll pay to see David Copperfield if he comes to town, and in fourth grade, when we had to do a report on great Jews for Hebrew school I chose Houdini over Golda Meir and Steely Dan. So needless to say, I was super bummed. I mean this is the type of trick that only a magician would know, it would not be the only trick in your repertoire. This is a trick that clearly takes a long time to master, and because it involves smoking, means he started practicing in college, outside of the parents’ house, so the whole, I used to do magic in high school excuse is out the window.

I accused my friend of not being a good friend. He accused me of being a moron. I’m not disputing the latter, but I’m still arguing for the former. His arguments against not being a good friend are as follows:

1) He never knew I loved magic.
2) I never asked him to show me magic.

1) This is crazy. Everyone in my group of friends knows I’m the one that loves magic. I had a magician at my fucking twenty-fourth birthday party. And while Mike claimed he didn’t attend – the ridiculousness of having a magician at my birthday party, let alone the awesomeness of the magic itself would have made its way to Mike. In my group of friends you can’t take a shit longer than ten minutes (or shorter than three I guess) without its getting talked about. I once got a phone call in California because I had to be told about an argument my friends got into over whether white chocolate is in fact chocolate. So that’s a bunch of bullshit. Also, this magician who performed at my party also performed magic opening up for the band Cake. In addition to loving magic, my friends make fun of me for listening to Cake, and it came up many times that “my favorite magician opened up for my favorite band.”
2) I never asked, because if you know something that amazing, and you are a friend of mine, I shouldn’t have to ask to see it.

Right now we’re in a big fight. I’m mad at him. I’m willing to drop it all and tell him, I love magic, but I still would like him to acknowledge that in ten years of friendship, I should have known about his talent before a week ago.

What’s the deal?

Dear Sisyphus,

Your letter really speaks to the fragility of human connection. This world is such a cold, dark, hollow and ultimately tragic place and here is your friend, refusing to share with you the warmth of companionship. By not acknowledging your passion for Magik, while simultaneously denying you the gift of illusion, he is only reinforcing the lonely burden of our universal condition, the endless lament, if you will.

JUST KIDDING! Oh my god, what are you even talking about?

How the fuck is your friend supposed to know you are so krazy gay for MAGIC? Granted that birthday party, but as you said yourself he did not even attend. Maybe all he ever heard about that party was that you had a clown at your house and it made everyone very uncomfortable.

Here’s what I know:

1) Your friend has spent many years perfecting the art of putting ASHES IN YOUR HAND
2) If that is the trick he chose to do on you, you should be upset, because gross
3) The reason he probably learned magic in the first place was to perv on women, in which case, the last thing he wants to do is spend time wooing you with his elaborate “rabbit in the pants” trick. He’s like, “Here you fucking go guy, I just put a cigarette out in your hand. Now get outta here, I’ve got sexy moves to make.”

Also, this is totally your friend:

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ONLY Remembers Harold Lloyd

The third most famous comedian in silent movies.

Before the modern era of sound, movies had to tell a story, quite literally through action. While there were slates offering moments of written description or even dialogue, the vast bulk of early movies was carried by the action the characters displayed on screen, and nowhere is this more focused than in the silent comedies of the time. While this purity of action is most simply demonstrated in the slapstick romps of acts like the Keystone Kops , throughout cinema’s early history, performers, and particularly comedians worked out gags and sequences that are both rich in action as well as in pathos.

It is no surprise then that those actors who managed to take the concept and practice of “action” to the extreme became indelible figures in the history of cinema. To that end the two most prominent and successful figures remain Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton . But against the artistic genius of Chaplin and the indestructible ingenuity of Keaton there exists another soul who’s name is often forgotten, but whose contribution to the history of cinema, though often overlooked, is equally important.

With over 200 films to his credit, Harold Lloyd began his career after having seen a Thomas Edison moving picture in 1913. Soon he teamed up with producer Hal Roach and between 1915 and 1917 they produced over 60 short one reel comedies. Largely focusing on a simple story of boy sees girl, boy wants girl, these films were slapstick in nature often featuring a character named Lonesome Luke , directly inspired by Chaplin’s successful persona of The Tramp. Despite mediocre success, Lloyd began to search for his own character and by 1918 he devised a character, always named Harold, who with round glasses would prove to be Lloyd’s signature and most successful persona. Presented as a regular guy, he was always hard working and resourceful; who as a bit of a romantic go-getter, struck an immediate chord with audiences as someone they could relate to. True to form his films were filled with physical daring and thrilling action sequences and by the 1920’s Lloyd had taken his short one reel character into the age of feature length films and at his peak in the mid 1920s out grossed both Chaplin and Keaton, making him the most financially successful comedian of his generation.

As the Keystone Kops continued to run zig zags across the screen, both Chaplin and Lloyd worked to develop the art of cinematic comedy. Not content to rely entirely on a gag-joke-gag formula each strove to breathe life into their characters and Lloyd’s 1922 hit Grandma’s Boy , like Chaplin’s 1921 classic The Kid took comedy to new heights by introducing stronger character development and situational humor. While Chaplin’s work channeled poverty and the misadventures of the Tramp and Keaton’s comedy provided startling escapades where the never smiling actor managed to tumble down streets in a tornado or avoid being crushed by a collapsing house, Lloyd took to the technical possibilities that cinema offered to create his thrilling masterpieces. While as equally daring as Keaton, Lloyd combined elaborate situational set-ups, specific camera angles and precarious sets to deliver his own form of movie magic. For his film Never Weaken (1921), Lloyd built a set above a New York tunnel and from a specific angle managed to create the illusion that when hanging from a iron girder, that he was dangerously high up, when in fact he was never more than three stories above a safety mattress. The tension he created then is so convincing that even today the film remains an absolute thrill to watch. These were the original stuntmen, dangling here and balancing there, risking it all; each an actor, writer and producer in their own destiny.

Like Chaplin and Keaton, Lloyd was a true pioneer whose work spans the periods and embodies all that cinema has to offer. It is thrilling, funny, dangerous and smart, and technically, as innovative for its time as Citizen Kane would be, almost twenty years later. Yet while his name is almost forgotten, his contribution to the art of cinema extends past his recognition. As with Chaplin and Keaton, Lloyd put himself – his body and mind, on the line. But while audiences may not remember the source, his films, like Safety Last! (1923) with the character of Harold dangling dangerously from the hands of a large clock on the side of the building, constantly offer imagery that even today, remain etched in our collective consciousness. I guess it’s just tough being the third most famous comedian of the silent film era.

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Adam Had'em (A Parenting Diary pt.3)

Month 3

Dear Diary:

There is something strange going on in that little brain of that daughter of mine. If you read the books, which I suggest you do sparingly, there are typically two kinds of babies. The sleep-for-fifteen-hours-a-day kind and the sleep-at-night-up-for-the-day kind. Ours is the latter. She sleeps, for the most part, through the night and on occasion her mother and I have woken up high-fiving each other because we got a good seven, maybe even eight hours of dreamtime ourselves. But these days that’s it. Once our precious little drooler snaps open her lids, she’s on the go, with the exception of a couple of 20 minute milk-drunk burn outs right after feeding, for the rest of the day. This is apparently both good and bad. A suspicious and recurring theme that seems to apply to everything babies do. Everything except for when they pee on you because you are holding them up without a diaper on. You’ve done this because they peed 2 minutes ago and so it’s got to be totally safe to hold them without a diaper on now because they couldn’t have to go pee again so soon. Wrong. Be warned, they will pee. And it’s neither good nor bad but apparently it’s some kind of inherent, built in form of infant payback. Like marking territory.

While it’s amazing to see the daily changes, her evolving moods and unrelenting desire for entertainment, or as we call it “a desire to be part of the action,” can be, quite frankly a little draining. At this point she’s just a little above totally useless, and that’s progress and now that she no longer needs the neck splint I jerryrigged to keep her head from flapping about, she is keen to take in everything this big old world has to offer.

But the tough part is that she still really can’t do anything. Sure she can flap her arms and make eye contact. Maybe kick her doughboy legs and grab things and drool, but so what? Big deal. She still can’t control these things, let alone put her mind to any one task, so it’s easy to imagine that it must be pretty frustrating for her. To a degree she is trapped between two states. She is beginning to become aware and she is now aware that she is useless. This I suspect, would be the reason for her sudden mood changes. From gummy grin to raging hellion in seconds flat. Hell if I was stuck in a diaper all day with only the most basic use of my body, I would get pretty bored, pretty fast too. She does seem to like watching movies though, which is not a recommended activity, but then neither was the neck splint and that worked out pretty well.

What’s really changing is not her, but me. Yes, she’s changing and sure all this development is awesome, but it’s to be expected. I mean if it wasn’t I would definitely be thinking about bridges and burlap sacks. Her mom would come home after a walk and I’d be all “what baby?” Like if a baby didn’t develop, and all you got for life was this super-cute, super-dependent, crying little useless thing that never grew or changed … well that would be fucked and the human species would have died out centuries before we killed off the dinosaurs.

But what’s happening now is that I’ve found myself becoming more like a coach than a father. At this age there just isn’t much to father, she’s too young for preteen pregnancy counseling and so instead I end up on ground level, encouraging her movement, guiding her hands and cheering when she does something, anything, that resembles a normal human body movement. And this I suspect is a careful, unconscious, though ultimately selfish effort to increase the speed of her development. In all honesty, I just can’t wait for her to walk. I don’t care so much about the talking, quite frankly I imagine the talking, while surely cute to others will often be frustrating because it will probably be years before she has anything interesting to say. I know, I know, but honestly, while it may be cute hearing little children struggle with words and it’s amazing as a parent to see your child’s brain working overtime to access the language database it has been compiling, there is bound to be a certain amount of incessant nattering about things I will not understand, not because I can’t grasp the wonder, but rather it won’t make actual sense.

Regardless Sylvie is not there yet. She’s still “cooing” and “ahgaahing” and I’m still on the mat with her coaxing her little hands to grab, and touch and helping her understand the basic realities like legs have other functions other than being spastic wands with feet.

We are in training. All this fundamental motor-function stuff is just the foundation so that she can get up off the floor and like the human she was born to be, stand up on her own two feet and run towards her future. Then I can also start getting her to bring me cold beer from the fridge in the garage.

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Help time with Amil Niazi (™)

Dear Amil,
How come when people on the Enterprise beam up, and from, anywhere on the ship in an emergency why do they even have a transporter room that they only sometimes have to go to to beam up and from the ship?

Want A Response Please (WARP)

Dear Space Garbage,
What the fuck are you talking about?

Dear Amil,
I’ve been unemployed for 2 months now. I’ve had to give up my apartment and move in with my girlfriend. I feel slightly emasculated by these recent changes and having to rely on my partner. I need money fast. I need to get out of this rut. What is the best pyramid scheme to join?

Not A Bum

Dear What Part Of Get A Job Don’t You Get A Job?
When you are aged and never give up, it gives your the confidence, at any chance, at any place. I need your assistance and trust please. Get your complimentary credit report! I EXPECT YOUR URGENT COMMUNICATION! Do her in hers face, feel good.

You see what I’m saying? Spam. It’s the new economy. Drop your load in her pharmaceutical matchmaker.

Dear Amil,
I need to stalk someone, what’s the best way to do this?

Not Crazy

Dear I Don’t Want To Be Held Legally Responsible For Anything,
Stalking is a violation of the trust humans have in each other to be cool, so I myself would not partake in such behaviour. And I would never suggest you hire an airplane to write cryptic messages in the sky or get a series of secret email accounts just in case one of the other ones gets blocked or haunt the Missed Connections section of Craigslist, reading way too much into every post (M4M? that could be you), or have your face taken off in order to move freely around said person’s whereabouts, though you may or may not even be aware of these whereabouts for legal reasons. You’re making me uncomfortable.

(God speed.)

Send any and all queries to: [email protected]

Anonymity guaranteed.

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Adam Had'em (A Parenting Diary pt.2)

Brian Nation

Month 2

Dear Diary:

The longest hangover of my life is beginning to fade. At least it’s something like a hangover. The past couple of months have been restless, uneven and riddled with interrupted sleep, and like after one of those night of nights I’ve willingly given up, there are fond memories but you can’t seem to put much of a day together for the lack of dream time. But if I remember one thing from university it’s that someone, possibly a roommate, brought the sickly, painful morning hangover into stark focus by suggesting that hangovers are what allow us to know we are alive. Something about ‘through suffering comes renewed love of life.’ Granted, at the time I bet it was the beer and a smoke he offered me that helped me more than than this philosophical musing . Regardless this stoned out mantra has stuck with me somehow, and I think about it everytime I feel a hangover or fever recede. When my mind becomes mine again and I come back to the world.

But having a child is not exactly like a hangover. I’m not sick. I don’t hurt, there are no horrifying pictures of me doing terrible things and while there is a whole lot of puking and pissing and shitting, none of it is mine. In fact, the first few months of having a child are less like a hangover than feeling like you’ve been taking care of a degenerative 90 year-old alcoholic with Alzheimer’s. Instead these first couple of months have been a lesson in tolerance, sacrifice, adaptability and the power of any fifteen minutes alone. And now, something strange is happening. As my new baby begins to resemble something more like a human than a useless, wobbly necked boob guzzler, the memories of the last few weeks, of me being a frazzled automated caregiver are slipping from my mind, like the toxins of the best party ever after a really great, greasy breakfast.

In fact the changes now are daily, with her neck firming up, her curiosity grows as she begins to tilt her head this way and lilt her ear that way, and her smiles seem to come more from the heart than from her bowels. I can begin to see the real her. And she is hilarious. Not in a sense of humour kind of way but the simple humanity she is developing is fascinating. I spend hours staring at her, watching this momentary window to our primal past. She is living in 2009 but her developmental phase is somewhere near 150 000 BC. She grunts and “hoots” and “waaah’s” and “snorts”. She frantically waves her arms and is surprised and curious when new sounds or objects are introduced. She is the missing link to our past, caught in that transformative phase between cheeky monkey and early caveman. Everything is new and wondrous, like how those earliest first days must have been when we as a species stepped out of the mud, or climbed down from the trees and figured out that we could express, explain and explore. We have even established a primitive form of communication, she and I. I have a giant red monkey that I dangle over the side of her crib and with its long arms I bonk its head and make “unga bunga” noises. She totally gets this. It makes sense. It’s a completely useless and simple motor function experience that has no other weight of expression other than “hey…me too.” It’s the earliest form of community bonding. “Me too” is the communicative bond that probably helped forge the first friendships, which in turn led to the first cave communities. Like when one cavemen met another caveman and “unga bunga’ed” about being chased by a saber tooth tiger and the other caveman unga bung’ed back; “Me too.” And as she grows, every day, passing through centuries of human development we are bonded by the shared experiences of that simple “unga bunga” moment. While her first snorts and rooting sounds were basic signals of either hunger or displeasure, now her grunts aren’t even always about food. She “unghs” when she wants me to spin the mobile clockwise, she goes into a panic if it goes counterclockwise. She “coos” when she moves a toy with her hand and she “oohoohs” when sees the cat -like it might be food in a few more weeks, right after she discovers fire.

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