Snow White

By Amil Niazi

Saturday October 15, 2005

And The Seven Dinks

As an example of a female reliant on her newly found male companions to get by, Snow White was a fortunate survivor of a potentially bad scene. Like most young women thrust in to the real world by cruel fate and crueller reality, navigating the brine of strange men and stranger situations, she bides her time with the ones she’s with, but waits for the one she might love. Luckily the attributes of her particular allies were mild at best, but if Snow White were to reappear today, she’d have a much different go of things. Running into any one of the following modern dwarves, I’d be surprised if she made it out alive.

Horny
This ageless dwarf is a constant in any terrain. His ability to leer, lurch and lunge at Snow White lands him in the precarious position of having always to be on the offensive. His physical attributes are chameleon-like and he takes the shape of many and all. As a minion in the kingdom of the disenchanted princess, this perv will inevitably appear when you are at your most vulnerable, inebriated, lonely and fat. He will not hesitate to lead you deep in to the woods.

Brokey
This well-meaning, but detrimental character will be White’s biggest burden. He will be sure to ask for bus fare on their first encounter, treat her to a fine meal of twigs charged to her account and constantly crash on her couch. He will not leave. He will also bum her cigarettes, drink her booze, eat her food and conveniently disappear on the first of every month.

Faux-Friendly
Some dwarves seem like they get a bum rap for no reason. Being thrown in with all the obviously flawed humanoids makes them feel pigeonholed and stereotyped. This one is your friend. Platonically and safely, the two of you will spend countless hours laughing, crying and talking the days away. You’ll be perplexed when he vexes frustration at your hanging out with any other dwarf, but will coo back to you when you return. He will point out the flaws in any other fairy princesses and assure you, he never thinks about their chastity belts. The first opportunity he has to slip it in, he will and Snow White will be have to spend eternity trying to pry a nimble dwarf out of her body.

Drunky
He seemed so sweet when you had coffee, but two pints of mead later and he’s a complete dick. Pointing out all of your inadequacies, burying your self-esteem and ridiculing your lack of fashion sense, Drunky will set you so far off track, no handsome prince will be able to track your scent. Thankfully he spends most of his waking time in the bottom of a seedy barrel and escape is not impossible, but lo the girl who’s foiled by his trap.

Sleepy (with-your-roommatey)
Can’t say too much about this one. But clever is the dwarf who ingratiates himself to two or more disenfranchised Disney characters at once. Like sharing clothes with your roommate? This will only bring you two even closer.

Leave-y
If you need this dwarf for something he’ll be gone. He’ll leave before the morning, leave before the end of the movie, and leave before you’ve digested your meal. If you need a mattress moved he will not be around, if you want to have a relationship talk, you will abandoned in the meadow.

Ennui
This party sucks. This forest sucks. All the other dwarves suck. There is nothing to the story, nothing more to your fairy tale than a dollop of existential angst littered with pre-conceived notions of patriarchal romance. And that sucks. Did I mention this party sucks?