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Death Of A Chicken Shirt

Photo by Paul Goertzen

By only

Friday November 19, 2004

They took down the sign

More than the acrid taste of congealed fat, Juicy Chicken on Main street became well-known for their unbelievable marketing know-how. By relying on an intangible sense of cred and style, those chicken chefs turned Becel into gold when they pulled their clothing line out of the deep-fryer. Some people say they sold more shirts than chicken, but let’s not get harsh like that. Nevertheless, it was a business that rivaled only Wally’s Burgers in the local ma and pa fast food joint t shirt world.

Half the people you know have one of these wonderful banana yellow Juicy Chicken tee’s. Nothing looks better than a pair of juicy chicken breasts cupped by the sensual fabric of 50 percent cotton. Stuffing those well-placed logos with hormone-injected meat is attractive, durable and modern. Keep drinking milk, girls! There’s even some stretch available in the sizes allowing for multiple trips to the little poultry house that could. But that was long ago; a distant vision of simpler times, brighter, chicken eating times. Now all that remains of the restaurant is a faded sign and the T-shirts are but an urban legend of chicken. Not too long ago you could walk by the Western Pizza where the old Juicy Chicken used to live and though the chicken was gone the shirts were lying somewhere cooped up in a back room, all just a phone call away. So your trips to the Planet Bingo can no longer end in a chicken-fuelled impulse buy and maybe a make-out with Kelly in that cat-plagued alley. Chicken on the lips goes a long way with the right person.

The solution seems fairly obvious: Western Pizza dollar slice panties with room for grow. Take heed, Western Pizza proprietors, this is a freebie. An elasticised waistband with built-in grease trap and assorted waste collection. A collection of spandex by-products that will fill the hole left by the brightly coloured affirmations of our collective love of stomach cancers.

Western Pizza is a catchy name. In terms of “branding” , it’s pretty slick and bad-ass, pisses around its market. Really makes a presence in the Marketplace, so to speak. Marketing is important. And unknowingly or not, we might have just struck pizza gold, baby. Pizza panty gold. You know what? Yeah. Haven’t been, but on the list, you know? Heard about it, haven’t been. Excited; interested. Thinking about stopping by. Looking forward to it. We struck pizza panty gold.