only magazine
↵ home
jPod Watch: Episode Ten
By Cow
Monday March 17, 2008
There’s something important I need to talk to you about. It’s an important life thing. It’s not very pretty, and it might even be a little bit scary, but it’s important that I tell you about what’s going on because I love you and you know I’d rarely do anything on purpose to hurt you. Sigh.
You know how Uncle jPod‘s been lying around a lot in mum’s robe watching 100 Huntley Street? Or maybe you’ve noticed that every time Uncle jPod has something to eat he spends the rest of the day on the toilet and you and me have to play that new game in the shed? The one with the bucket and the lollipop? Or how when you go to sit with him, all he does is weep and sweat and bleed into the bag? Well, that’s because Uncle jPod is very, very, very, very sick. Yes, kind of like when you get sore peepoos, but much different and much worse. Uncle jPod is so sick that he can’t make the pain for much longer. Uncle jPod is so sick that he’s eventually going to die. We’ll all die someday, I promise, but what I mean is that Uncle jPod only has three weeks to live. Sorry.
I’d nearly forgotten about him, but that old fella who was sucking that orange shit off of his fingers all the time blew himself up, so heroin turtleneck got his job back! He comes back and everyone’s all holding hands, and then heroin turtleneck is all jacked up and he drops two gigantic bombs on the still hand-held crying actors; he’s going to make them go make some video game worse or something, and the midget is humping both the illiterate and authentic crackhead 2. The crying actors reel. I would usually find solace in this kind of event but the following scene involved the midget and authentic crackhead 2 making desperate and horrifying face and that was fucking pretty scary let me tell you, so I’m with the illiterate on this one. God, and then the midget stole heroin turtleneck’s junk and made scary times with authentic crackhead 2 some more, until the inbred shows up to go for bubble tea with authentic crackhead 2. The reason is dumb, but they go smoke joints on Davie and meanwhile the midget is now talking to Gossip Girl from the CW Network’s Gossip Girl and she’s all telling him about some bullshit with a hooker or whatever. With all these skanks up on him, you’d swear the midget had a gift certificate in his pants.
The other thing that got dragged face down through this episode is this bit where FHMA’sSWITW2006 has a “typically Asian mom.” It probably ate up about 12 minutes of the episode and that seemed like too much. After that, incest was angry that authentic crackhead 2 politely offered her a toke off her reefer. Then things got worse for authentic crackhead 2, she had a condom of heroin explode inside her vagina because of her PH balance and she had to explain why women put things in there to the midget, and PH balance. He still didn’t understand, and so immediately he sent her away. Then everybody got all got together and one-by-one told heroin turtleneck that they preferred him as heroin turtleneck, seriously! So he went down to that slightly-too-far-West Hastings alley he’s been hanging out in, I guess it’s safer there for him, and he was down there spending time with the pretty awful CGI turtle hallucination, living it up. The pretty awful CGI turtle tried to chase the dragon by jamming a pretty awful CGI syringe into his really crappy eye, (Kids, if you’re going to chase the dragon, please, regardless of what the CBC is irresponsibly trying to make you do, you do not need a syringe. You just take a piece of tinfoil or broken lightbulb, pour your flavoured tobacco or what have you on top, hold the lighter close-but-not-too-close underneath until you get a nice plume, and just heave that bitch in and say hello to forever. It takes a bit of practice but you’ll get it. Shame on you CBC.) and died, and I died a little bit too again. But the suffering is almost over.
21/12/2024
