only magazine

↵ home

jPod Watch: Episode Six

By Cow

Monday February 18, 2008

I started crying as soon as it started again this week. But this time it was because my favorite character, the Churley Burger, caught helplessly aflame. Thankfully, the misunderstood clown who is also the backup main character on the show reportedly saved the day by rescuing some human children and then pissing out the entire fire with his own dick, now that’s good scriptwriting. “This clown is good”, I said to myself and my life coach; he nodded in agreement and I fantasized that I was still a real clown. Due to the clown’s good deed and the contents of my fantasies, I’ll be referring to the clown as “McNulty” from here on in. So, because the misunderstood protagonist clown “McNulty” had saved the human children like that, the illiterate and well-hocked woman actress allowed him to reclaim her as his rightful possession, free to sell or keep. Yes, it was Clown McNulty’s day and he was so happy that he spent the rest of the day doing panto. Then it was the first commercial break and I learned about something really concerning, and sure I’ve spent a lot of time waxing poetic about so many important social issues during jPod watch (and of course on my account, hi Tonya777 and Whisperzz) but I think this one is currently the most pressing: Did you know that in Africa some women get to stay home for a week each month when they have their period? And because they’re too ashamed to make 14 or so big wads of toilet paper to keep in their purse and replace throughout the day? That’s what I do when I don’t have my reusables washed and still this crazy fucking infomercial is telling this bullshit to me and my life coach. Well, by then he was smoking his after dinner salvia so he didn’t even give two shits. But I explained it to him afterwards, and he’s pretty pissed off. He told me to tell you to “buck up”, Africa.

Do you guys remember that shitty old thing for Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas called Hot Coffee? Ya, the one where you get to barely fuck that girl that you wasted way too long appeasing with gifts? The one that was as annoying but far less difficult than the plane one. That’s the one. Ya, hey they threw that completely retired conversation piece right into their show that’s showing in 2008. Straight in there. Ya, and really the good chunk of the episode’s about how the jPod donkeys are going to put a weak Hot Coffee ripoff into their game. Too bad this show didn’t come out a few years ago, but the guy with the shrinking turtleneck has an amazing little autistic son character that they introduced, and the kid did a bunch of cool stuff like had a lengthy conversation with a depressed bear cub, sketched a perfect blueprint of pre-Metropolis Metrotown from memory, and played Macy Gray on the harp while doing a 1000-piece puzzle of a covered bridge in autumn with his feet. Also, the turtleneck’s turtleneck finally completely disappeared! Then, the masculine hetero-dream/nightmare and the worthless one were playing one of the worst first games of Halo 3 anyone has probably ever played for the first time on television, most toddlers are better equipped to fake proficiency and you could clearly see them foolishly playing split-screen multi-player, running in circles and aimlessly firing full clips into the walls while acting casually familiar, and then the newly reacquired inbreeding woman character walks in with blood and offal all over her face.

Hmmm, what else…? The Turtleneck’s turtleneck came back full force when he started chanting “The Power Of Now”; the midget’s character was transforming into an even larger snatch; the midget got deservedly shitkicked again by Officer Clown McNulty; the mom went to see the Popes of Hell in Maple Ridge and sold them a bag o’ weed while everyone called her sugartits; A Thicke layer of butter had the Turtleneck killed by his openly gay Asian lover; a whole bunch of choice Vancouver-y stuff, but what really went down was as it was just about to end, my life coach started laughing and crying in quickly alternating successive intervals and as I’m told, I started mysteriously bleeding invisible blood from invisible wounds on my hands and feet and when I stood up apparently there was invisible backwards Latin written in invisible blood on my ceiling. It was pretty unusual, but my life coach says he saw it so he saw it. Then he layed down on the floor so I finished off his Yop!

Next Episode: Hopefully The Botched Enema Episode