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jPod Watch: Episode 5

By Cow

Monday February 11, 2008

I sat down on last Tuesday night with my favourite Ritter Sport bar (praline) and my special jammies, poised to be marginally distracted from my godless existence for exactly one hour including commercials but was instead enraged and confused at what to make of the rather biting hockey mom MVP drama programme that showed in jPod ’s place, then disappointed for what currently seems to be an infinite amount of time, and suspicious of what must have happened on that fictional indoor rock climbing lesson that CBC and Doug Coupland had together to celebrate that incest softcore they made. I find out jPod got moved to Fridays, which everyone knows is prime-time wasteland and you tell me who the hell is going to be watching the pain now? No one except for rich Douglas Coupland and stupid me, and the more I think about it the more I realize that they must have done this to me as punishment. This realization has filled me with even more impotent rage than I regularly allot myself. I reward them with a fictional indoor rock climbing lesson and this is what they do in return? Farty Doug let them shove his smelly show in the crustiest part of CBC’s bodysuit, all to inconvenience me and my weekly Magic: The Gathering game? Based on this gesture, The CBC and Douglas Coupland are no longer considered by me as the television station and semi-famous book writer that they once were, but now officially dried gray vaginas, both.

It was FHM Asia‘s Sexiest Woman in the World 2006’s birthday and as a gift, some of the clearly cheap jPod actors – the shirtless one, the one I never have a good reason to mention, and of course the big old midget – made the shittiest video as a gift and probably would’ve been fired for creating something so poor in real life. The inbred one offered to kill herself with helium and I thought that was actually kind of nice all things considered, but it only enraged FHM’sSWITW2006 instead and she just fucking lost it right there. I lost it also, and a single angry tear welled up and rolled down my face. The midget’s mom then accused McThicke of having a gay affair with the Asian crime boss and she was absolutely right. They were going on a throat holiday together.

After they showed that shitty birthday video for the hundredth time, it was just a fully shaven back’s worth of gay karaoke with the Asian crime boss bathing a standard poodle in the midget’s living room. The midget hesitated joining in and his dad finally, rightfully calls him a pussy in front of all the other man extras, so the ashamed midget takes off his blouse and eats off everyone’s anus for most of the rest of the series. Then the Asian crime boss video tapes it and puts it on “AllTube” as they called it; that was clumsy and a real failure on the part of both CBC and Douglas Coupland. ThickeTube then tasered himself on video to get famous and that joke was unbelievably inappropriate – more tears from me and another massive oversight and failure on the part of both CBC and Douglas Coupland. An actress who played the lady who holds the rights to the happy birthday song randomly dropped by to visit, so they took her hostage and the inbred girl told her a story about how a tornado tore a puppy in half. I was so angry at CBC and Douglas Coupland about everything that I turned jPod off right there and cried harder than I’ve ever cried in weeks, fiercely punching at the air, and to make matters worse I scratched my face with my pinky nail while I was flailing. Then I watched Across The Universe!

Next Episode: Please More Racist Jokes or Something, I’m Dying of Boredom.