Intelligent Design

By Amil Niazi

Thursday September 1, 2005

It’s sort of like evolution, but without the monkey bullshit. At least that’s how I imagine the new Intelligent Design argument to go. With all the intensity of feral cats, right wing zealots in the US are turning the tide on the age-old question; dinosaurs or Jesus? Though not as simple as Darwin’s poignant evolutionary scale, Intelligent Design is an artfully constructed PR campaign pieced together to hold the fabric of ignorance firmly in place. And while it’s not as biblical as standard creationism or as heretical as Eich’s lizard people, this conceptual landmark is certainly not unexpected.

Officially dubbed a new branch of science studying the intellectually-based design of biochemical systems, natural structures and human functions, it is meant to be “free of occult forces … common, rational and objectifiable” according to mathematician William Dembski. While on the surface it seems no different than other sciences that operate under logical assumptions like quantum physics and crime scene investigating, the delicate hand of holy political forces is dangerously close. With creationism only popular in a handful of religious schools and unfortunate education systems in the south, ID is shedding some light on the advancement of baptismal influences in the mainstream. Too politically correct to protest and too awkward to argue against, the phrasing of every Design pamphlet and explanation reads like a Scientology handbook; convoluted and obtuse.

At its most basic, Intelligent Design consists of these principles:

1. Transcendent Creator has idea–matter, space, time and energy begin
2. TC does some cosmic fine-tuning
3. Big TC does some more fine-tuning, earth style
4. Something Xtreme happens in the bimolecular world
5. Entrées humans

But, as we all know, science is a little bit trickier than that. Science involves a thing called “testing.” Below is the precise testing model used to come up with the revolutionary: Intelligent Design. Follow as you would a Choose your own adventure guidebook.

1. Is it contingent? If No, then it is produced by necessity. If Yes, go to 2.
2. Is it complex? If No, then it is produced by chance. If Yes, go to 3.
3. Is it specified? If No, then it is produced by chance. If Yes, go to 4.
4. It is designed.

Hard part’s over. Now you can pretty much ride the Design wave all the way to the Apocalypse or whatever non-sectarian or Christian judgment day/after-life rewards program you believe and is scientifically applicable.

The truth is I don’t have a particular hate-on for ID or the practioners thereof, but I am ashamed at the level of pussyfooting the religious right is currently doing. What makes any religion or cult exciting is the love of the extravagant, ridiculous and absurd. The desire to roll in lunacy like pigs in shit, chanting in tongues and foregoing worldly goods. There’s no What Would Jesus Do here, or even an L.Ron saved my life. I prefer the dark ages of Immaculate Conception ending in a surprise birth at prom. At the very least, it made it easier to spot a moron from afar, now they’re hiding behind intelligence, like everyone else.