Beer Is The New Coke

By Amil Niazi

Friday May 13, 2005

Molson Takes The Fun Out Of Drugs

Now that blow is officially out of style (at least it’s déclassé to talk about it again) marketing dealers have to find new ways to fuel crappy conversation and obscene liquor consumption in the teen scene. And that’s why my boyfriends at Molson and Labatt are making hybrid beers for trendies desperate to jack up their caffeine intake while leaving a wet spot in local clubs. And after hearing date rape is way easier once you’ve tripled your heart rate, the industry is diving right in. Recently introduced through cheeky promo campaigns featuring cool! and exciting! gimmickry, Shok and Kick are the new bitches on the booze block and these mommies are serious news okay?

Tragically no one told the brewing magnates that “rave” drinks are as popular as raves these days and in this regard, don’t necessarily promise to prop up an entire liquid industry, but what do I know about the kids? Both manufacturers are tickled at the revolutionary way they’ve managed to capture the youthful union of stimulants and alcohol. Remember how the first time you tried coke you dry throated and your sudden edge was too much for your straight friends to handle? And then you discovered the beauty of washing the powder down with red wine and now you were able to be flirtatious, intoxicated and bitchy at the same time? Or when you realized you consumed too much just before you had to drive home and fished around the purse for the flap you forgot you had – life saving.

Of course children don’t have access to the same kinds of narcotics that we adults do, so we’ve given them a different South American plant derivative instead. Guarana is the stimulant in these new power downs and goes through the same drug trajectory as the other white meat. Dried, shelled and crushed to a fine powder, Guarana eventually makes its happy way in to the plastic bottles of Kok and Chick. Now your little sister can do just like you do and mom doesn’t have to make excuses for her behaviour.

According to other trusted news sources the hybrids have a kicky taste and offer a caffeinated buzz only ten minutes after the first sip. A slightly less trustworthy friend informed me after he’d downed five Shoks in ten minutes that he felt like he’d been doing lines all night. Awesome. If only we’d had these around when I was writing my high school exams. What better way to stay awake through the grueling two-hour tests than getting wasted on semi-legal, imported “plants.” And elementary school would’ve breezed by if I’d had the crutch of duel addictions easing the pain of pre-adolescence. Christ, I remember having days as a toddler where I could barely crawl to the end of the play room, let alone make it through the drudgery of day to day existence. To think there was a substance waiting to be invented that could’ve eased the struggles of both afflictions. God bless you Molson Canada. No one had the balls or heart to peddle seedy wares to us kids when I actually was a kid. Now youngsters get everything from stolen electronics, prostitution garbs and bite-sized ultra-lagers that come in adorable plastic containers reminiscent of Yop.

So now that we know how amazing these drinks are, I have a couple of question, are the same twelve year olds that have developed irrational addictions to steroids supplementing their workouts with uppers? Do college dropouts miss the palette satisfying taste of domestic beer when they’re throwing back Red Bull’s? And what ever happened to good ol’fashioned rails to mask the errors of alcoholism?