Big Tits Tour

By only

Friday October 29, 2004

The Drunken Arseholes molest the west

The Drunken Arseholes are both a state of mind, a lifestyle decision, a Polo cologne and a Nova Scotian rap group. They also were my roommates but now we got evicted so I guess we don’t got rooms no more. Now we’re staying at the Astoria Hotel with hookers who are actually just incredible, tall men who are actually prostitutes, but also they dress like hookers too. Stone cold 40’s are only six bucks. Anyway, the Arseholes are Moves (producer/dj) and Cee!!!!!!!! (rapper/maniac). Moves is an underground legend who’s got a real platinum plaque. Cee!!!!!!!! is not describable in print but he does have a pager and likes to swear. When I came home after work to do this interview about their upcoming western tour, they had already been drinking for six hours. This is not actual journalism, but this is all true…

ONLY: How did you get your name?
Cee!!!!!!!!: That’s eight exclamation marks not seven, emphasise the intensity, so to speak. Many duplicate faggots tried coming with horseshit. We had to fuckin’ globalise, well, not globalise, but solidify the sexy shit. People came out with albums called the Resurrection like 40 times in ’96. A lotta cocksuckers don’t realise that Nova Scotia has the best beers in the world–lagers, ales, lagers, Schooners. Some broad wouldn’t serve me Schooner once, cause it wasn’t popular–I told her to fuck off. Schooner got the boat on it.
ONLY: What?
Cee!!!!!!!!: I just came out of the wood work in ’88 with King Tee–Act A Fool, Steady B–Let The Hustlers Play, Ice-T–Freedom Of Speech, and that generated interest in creating hip hop. I was Funky Doug and the Chronic Drunks, that’s my foundation. I was 12. What I mean is, you know, and then fuckin’ ah, like ah, on some grade six horseshit. What was funny was that I was drunk when I was 5, and back in Nova Scotia they served Schooners in the stumpy bottles like that red striper that they serve out here now, some bloody thing. I used to drink the necks of them beers before I served them to my old man. I would get drunk and do drunk b-boy horseshit that pricks didn’t even know about. I created a lot of god damn dances such as the Heart Attack dance, the Bally Wally Itch and that’s it.
ONLY: That’s it?
Cee!!!!!!!!: A lot of cocksuckers try claiming ownership on the shit. The old man plays Billy Ocean and Boy George and the Culture Club. I talk about sexual finesse and keeping cocksuckers horny. You can’t even determine one’s intellect by a faggot ass interview so cop the new Drunken Arseholes record. Cee!!!!!!! and B-Movies are the Rural Pimps. Get your dick clipped quick tryna’ catch me in the mix. Also, big tits, big tiiiits, so to speak….
ONLY: Moves–you got anything to add to that?
Moves: I didn’t understand anything he just said. Did you?
ONLY: Not really.
Moves: Whatever then, we’re going on tour. It’s gonna be dope. Check out our show in your town. It’s in November. It’s called the Big Tits ‘04 Tour and Manik from Sunday Skool Dropoutz will be with us causing havoc everywhere in western Canada. Go to rap shows, buy everything I put out cause it’s all dope. Also, I’d like to add that I live over a boozecan now. Hooray for me, ya asshole pussy-cork-dick-lovers!
And that’s a real story from the Drunken Arseholes, professional rappers about to go on tour.
For more info on the Arseholes tour check . For information about evictions go to pssg.gov.bc.ca/rto/. For more information on Schooner Beer, go to Nova Scotia.