Blow-Jobs for Algernon

By only

Friday November 2, 2007

Potentially life-altering news for all you poorly postured bourgeoisie. US scientists have invented incredibly strong, highly successful, popular, sexually prolific mice, all thanks to the over-expression of the gene for the enzyme phosphoenolypyruvate carboxykinases (PEPCK-C), whatever the hell that is.

These winner mice have been juiced up with that weird sauce listed above, which has allowed them to pull off amazing feats like run like hell on a hilariously tiny treadmill for six hours straight on the uphill setting, eat 60% percent more shrimp ring than regular crappy mice without getting fat or sick, have crazy, filthy, random sex well up into the human equivalent of age 975, and still produce healthy, winner offspring up until the human equivalent of age 400. Not to mention their heightened ability too look other mice in the eye, have whiter, straighter teeth, sober parents, less body hair and unexplainable condominiums.

Currently 500 winner mice have been produced, and aside from their daily six-hour workout sessions and weekly colonics, they’ve been spending all their time showing Charlie Gordon how to do the perfect squat, kiss-close with a stripper, and even helped him finally get his financial portfolio to really start performing. Christ, imagine if one of these little yuppies escaped! Better stop calling in sick, and you might want to consider getting your daughters that HPV vaccine. That little cock would probably end up your supervisor and your son-in-law, like in that Dennis Quaid movie.