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jPod Watch: Episode Four

By Cow

Wednesday January 30, 2008

Churley motherfucking, piss inside my mouth, holy shit Burger. Wow. Douglas Coupland and CBC have unofficially hit their stride, so after a good long indoor rock climbing session, they sat the jPod dinks down in the Churley Burger for a celebratory lunch. They were sitting there enjoying a pretty nice burger that looked like it might have even been on a kaiser and the Churley Burger mascot, a handsome and misunderstood clown, showed up and kicked the ass of the midget for everyone for dessert. The clown kicked him right in his tiny face because he’d been trying to make three-faced babies with the inbred girl. That’s a no-no, little guy. Clowns own all illiterate women, this is represented everywhere in society and I will leave you to collect your own personal examples. Everyone went back to the jPod and were still hungry so they cracked into what they called Lesagna; that’s lesbian lasagna, and the up-until-now-useless character had stolen it from his mum. She showed up like some kind of gentle Linda Hamilton, demanding her lesagna back because it had the placenta of her minion cooked right into it and then the tanned and plucked but still masculine character jizzed right out of his mouth. Right out his shitty, perfect mouth! And a polenta joke to boot.

So the midget is having nightmares about the clown beating him over and over and over, and he goes back to the Churley Burger on Marine Drive to beg for mercy. But when he pulled into the parking lot he noticed that the girl with a ham for arms was having a threesome with said clown and a burger that looks like it might have even been on a kaiser. The midget understandably cried for about 13 minutes of the episode and rightly went home. He had to win her back; she was partially made of ham! So he devised a plan to win her back by making a low-sugar cola. What a fucking stupid idea! The heterosexual leather gentleman traded some anal beads and 1GB of ram for a cola making machine on Craigslist. I don’t want to argue about how much used anal beads are worth, but bad trade if you ask me. Homemade Cott is fine and dandy and all…

FHM Asia‘s Sexiest Woman in the World went down to the lesbian commune for more lesagna, and just as they pulled out the anal beads and flopped her over the gigantic pile of Crocs in the yard, the G rating was maintained by cutting to the shittiest fake pot plants and most poorly written mock turtleneck ever in existence. I got really upset for just one moment, and remembered that these folks have fucked me once with the authentic crackhead, but everything got promptly turned around by Mr. Alan Thicke with perfect, perky, supple girl breasts. Yes, my pee-pee caught on fire when I saw that. My pee-pee exploded. My pee-pee had an aneurysm. Then both the midget’s mom and Gentle Linda Hamilton had a little kissing session, FHM Asia‘s Sexiest Women in the World understandably cried for 13 minutes of the episode, the clown beat down the midget again, the sweetener in the low-sugar cola was breast milk, and the Darkest of the Hillside Thickett ate some really, really old lesagna right out of the box! Coupland, CBC, you owe me a new dong.

Next Episode: John Gets a Package in the Mail!