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Monday March 31, 2008


Sweeney Todd
Despite being old and decrepit-faced, Tim Burton continues to marvel us with his cannon of all things Goth. Like, really, you’d think that he’d grow out of it eventually, but it seems to just keep going like some sort of pre-menopausal period. This movie is jam packed with Gothic Lolita, scummy polluted vaginas, abscessed dicks, horrific singing and mediocre horror. It’s as disappointing as your first time, but with less blood. Less! We get it, Tim Burton, your soul is dead, but if this is true then how come you’re such a pussy? Stop giving Goth kids a reason to live. Stop sending our ovaries into constant abort mode. Just STOP. You have made your own creativity cliché, and we are over it forever.

Alvin and the Chipmunks
Remember the Hamster Dance? This movie is WORSE. Whoever made this movie is a Nihilist and is punishing humanity, and we would rather have our balls threaded than continue watching it. While David Cross is always a gem, he was not enough to counter the emo faggotry that Xenu-lover Jason Lee embodies as Dave Seville. How do the chipmunks understand cultural references and human interaction when they were born in a tree in Banff National Park for fucks sakes? Why is Theodore SUCH an effeminate fatty? Why does Dave have a dirty Guido mullet? Why are we cutting ourselves right now? Compared to this movie Guantanamo Bay sounds like a dream.

John From Cincinnati
Everyone was up in arms when Deadwood, the best show ever on HBO, was cancelled. It was a shocker, but still, somehow, creator and writer David Milch managed to find a way to start a new show and get it made by HBO. Weird. You’d think he’d be so pissed that he’d never want to work with them again, but hey, this is the nature of the beast. So he hung up his spurs and put on his aqua booties and created a show about a talented surfing family, where the dad, a once legendary surfer, is going through a mid-life crisis by developing the magic ability to float on air. Meanwhile his young son is a rising star and his older son is a junky. His wife, played by Rebecca De Mornay, struggles to keep the surf shop open. OK, so that’s the show, but what is so confusing is how an Emmy Award winning show with amazing acting and dialogue like Deadwood can get canned while this weird surfing show filled with great surfers who can’t act gets the green light. Ahhhhh the magic of the industry.