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Monday March 17, 2008


I am Legend
We gotta say we liked the whole “New York is empty” thing. But we also really liked the whole “London is empty” thing too in 28 Days Later. We liked how Will Smith had to get home before dark because of the zompires that come out at night. We also liked that aspect of Omega Man with Charleton Heston. Granted we do think Smith is a lot cooler than Heston, and a better actor. Like you should see the way Will gets down to acting when his dog Sam, his last friend in the world, dies. Man he gets really upset. What else? We also like the fact that the whole thing was genetic miscalculation…oops, tried to save the world and ended up wiping it out; but then the zompires are a little over the top. Like how’d they get so tough? And there is a woman from Central America who has never heard of Bob Marley? Seriously, that was the most unbelievable part.

Let this movie be a lesson to you all that any reference to Kiera Knightly’s ‘c-word’ leads to sodomy, pedophilia, Hitler, Septicemia and eventually a slow and painful death. Also the ginger ratio in this film is through the roof – more gingers than every movie in 2007 combined. We’re pretty sure that’s a fact. Perhaps that’s why it’s filmed so beautifully, as if Joe Wright is fucking with our gag reflexes by having gorgeous cinematography and Kiera Knightly’s beast face in the same shot. Yet while this movie may be guilty of all of the above, it is also the bearer of one of the best film scores made in the last few years, and is actually completely watchable. But bring your bag of tissues, cause McAvoy will make you weep like a tranny’s vagina. Ya, ok, we have no idea what we’re talking about.

Someone please donkey-punch that bitch so she’ll shut the fuck up! We get it, you’re from a fairytale and therefore are mentally retarded, but your voice makes us want to die, and that is a fact rather than an embellishment. And McScabies (or whatever his nickname is) can totally suck two dicks. We liked him better as the repulsively nerdy Jew in Can’t Buy Me Love. Remember that time your uncle molested you? Feels about the same as spending time with this movie. Our favorite part was when Enchanted was Oscar nominated for best original song for 3 different songs out of 4, and STILL didn’t win. Humiliation! Oh and also we really liked that part when we ejected it from our DVD player. Good times!

Southland Tales
Made by the same guy who made _Donnie Darko_this is another time travely kind of movie but hang on a second…wait…it’s a big fucking confusing disaster. Featuring a weird bunch of out of work actors like John Laroquette, John Lovitz, Christopher “There Can Be Only One” Lambert, Kevin Smith and starring Mandy Moore, Sarah Michelle Gellar, The Rock and Sean William Scott the most we could figure out is that it was set in the present, but that was meant to be the future. Nuclear bombs had gone off in Texas and the world was on the verge of nuclear destruction. Except Venice Beach is chill, and left wing marxists are trying to derail an election that will see a republican take over office. This piece of work is so weird, useless and jumbled together, in the end we were more saddened than maddened. Richard Kelly you started so strong, but you only get one chance to fuck up your career like this, so consider yourself warned.