only magazine

↵ home



By only

Saturday April 9, 2005

Only Builds A New Popefolio

With a dead Pope swathed in the traditional garments of death: velvet and satin, choosing a successor is number one on every in-Cardinal’s list. While the herds of pilgrims make their way to the old Pope, trendsetters are looking ahead to the future, the next hot thing. Sure the last Pope was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for defeating communism and bringing together religious homophobes from across the globe, but we here at Only think it’s time to diversify the Popefolio. According to the Catholic Encyclopedia website the Pope serves as an infallible figurehead possessing, in general, “exemption or immunity from liability to error or failure; in particular in theological usage, the supernatural prerogative by which the Church of Christ is, by a special Divine assistance, preserved from liability to error in her definitive dogmatic teaching regarding matters of faith and morals.” Though the remaining Catholic Church claims to have a stronghold on the available infallibles, we think there are a few overlooked applicants who fit the description.

Oprah Winfrey
Spreading literacy across the globe, this asexual dynamo already has 1.1 billion followers. With only 4 million showing up in Rome for the Pope’s funeral, she is definitely ahead of the game. Oprah knows the value of safe sex, wanted babies and the power of womyn. We think she’d look great in a billowy white shroud.

Michael Jackson
The Neverland ranch could become the new Vatican. Wacko Jacko could never match the sexual prowess of the dead Pope and his “infallible” strap-on dildo, but he’s making a good run. Jackson got his little alter boys drunk on the blood of Christ, and let them sleep in his tabernacle. But he’s got big assholes to fill. PJPII oversaw one the biggest pedophilia cover-ups since the Greeks made it part of their culture. The Pope had perverted priests transferred to new parishes without punishment and ensured that hard up priests would have nowhere to turn but to their 12-year-old servants. At least Pope Jackson would introduce jazzier numbers for mass.

Orlando Bloom
Dude is 28 and he still can’t grow chest hair. It doesn’t get more wholesome than that. Orlando embodies the strapping image of purity that all other Pope nominees should be measured by. He’s 007 in a papal gown. Let’s be honest with ourselves here. The next Pope won’t be a chick, and he won’t be black. Or American. They’re going to stick to their archetypical WASP, so why not a sexy WASP with a British accent? Who played Legolas! He would bring the kids and the geeks on board like crazy. The poster sales? Come on.

David Blaine
Not only do his sultry dark eyes lazily seduce you as he levitates and guesses your dead best friend’s name; he walks around America amazing all kinds of people, from gangstas to white bread, the NBA to Hollywood. He can hang with any one. You gotta figure that he could get around that heavy abortion issue by making unwanted fetuses just…disappear. No clinic. No killing. Just good ol’ miraculous misconception. They say that it takes a miracle before you can be called a saint. Screw Pope. David Blaine is a living saint!

(Lil’) Bow Wow
Bow Wow is Catholic to the tits. Like the Pope, he believes in exploiting the masses for the distribution of crap. While Bow Wow might not have the bling of the women hatin’, child fucking homophobe, he comes a close second. Just as the Polish sausage killed his predecessor PJPI—who lived as Pope for just a few short months and died under Clintonesque mystery-Bow Wow killed the gangsta Snoop Dog and turned him into a Muppet.

Though these are all potential heavyweight candidates, we’re sure the cardinals will decide on another completely useless and inconsequential replacement to fill the plastic bubble of the last completely useless and superfluous Pope. God bless him.