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A Dozen Things

By only

Wednesday March 15, 2006

Why is everyone afraid to say this movie is completely unwatchable? Okay so the subtitles were amazing. Characters bled words and wiped away sentences with their arms, but honestly, what the hell was going on? Where was Moscow? What the fuck is wrong with Russia?
Now playing at The Paramount

Waiting For Godot
Samuel Beckett wrote in his will that every word of Waiting For Godot – about two Irishmen waiting – must always be performed as he wrote it, or ravenous lawyers would ascend from hell and devour the heretic producers responsible. The Arts Club is putting this performance on. Let’s hope they fuck it up.
March 23–April 23, tickets: 604 687 1644

Blonde Lobster
French and American scientists have discovered a new species of blind, albino lobster covered with luxurious blond hair off the coast of Easter Island. Expect The Keg to start selling lobster thermidor with complimentary My Little Crusty bibs and plastic combs so you make your dinner pretty.

Guitar Hero
This is basically guitar karaoke for your PS2. You battle it out on little plastic guitars with five coloured keys. Too rad. The best way to play is to make it local Guitar Hero. Choose your favourite local guitar god – most likely Steve McBean or Johnny Olsen – and you try to imitate them. But if some dude in khakis shows up wanting to be Carl Newman, it’s cool, ‘cause you know he’s not gonna drink all your beer.

Lazy Susan
Sex with corpses. You love it, though you squirm. Squirm with joy. Joy-squirm. Created in just 48 hours a year and a half ago, fleshed out for last year’s Fringe, and playing every night for the brand new Here Be Monsters Festival, this show is steadily moving from must-see theatre to Event In One’s Life. Easily the best absurdist theatre to ever come out of Canada.
At Performance Works until March 17, 604 257 0366

Sisters Of Mercy
I used to live with this weird older guy who had all these pre-alternative records from back when he was my age, like Big Black and The Smiths, and all of the Sisters’ records too. I listened to them all once, and was pretty unimpressed. But then this other older guy I know played me “This Corrosion” once, and now I’m actually considering going to this show.
March 26–Commodore

Teen Angst Poetry
On paper this sounds pretty genius: preciousness, relationships, authenticity, and experimenation as retold from actual diaries from the 80’s and 90’s. But then you realize that they’re just tricking you into listening to poetry, and we’ll get behind the war in Irag before we say anything positive about an event that advertises an “open mic.”
March 31–The Annex, 307 W. Cordova