A Dozen Things

By only

Monday May 1, 2006

E-40 Hyphy Tour ‘06
We feel kinda bad for E. He’s a living legend, but when he comes to town to promote his failed “movement” he gets thrown at some Cultural Centre, while the dude with the year-old album and the tear drop tattoos gets to play at the prestigious Plush Nightclub. We’re over both of these guys though… Croatian Cultural Centre–May 7

SNAP or DIE!
…because this is the next shit. 18-year-olds making lo-fi banger tracks that all revolve around snapping your fingers. If “Laffy Taffy” turned you off of this movement, tracks like “Dunnadun” and “What’s Hannenin” will make you re-evaluate your whole purpose in life. These kids are rapping about going to the mall and eating candy over the sparsest, most genius beats ever. It is the realest thing in rap right now. Getcha money up.
Buy it at www.turntablelab.com

Tiesto
A few summers ago I was in Kuala Lumpur and I took a bunch of smacked up ecstasy and saw Tiesto play at this retro-futuristic club called Zouk. I totally spaced out in this orgy of progressive Asian love, and had one of those “he’s speaking to my mind” kind of times… but I’ve been told that experience isn’t really common or anything for ecstasy users, so whatever.
Commodore–May 7&8

Puppetry of the Penis
Readers of romance novels and owners of cute piglet calendars face a serious dilemma: pay money to see two modestly hung Australians wear their dicks around their wrists like watches, or buy another KeroKeroKeroppi doll for their office cubicle.
Centre in Vancouver for Performing Arts–May 6

Anne of Green Gables
Every weekday during the month of May, high school students will be reading 15-25 minute excerpts of this modern classic on the radio. We don’t really want to make fun of high school students – they already have to contend with bullying and everything – but this seems strange, and we wanted to point that out. Tell your Mom.
Every weekday morning at 8am on CJSF 90.1 FM

Steven Seagal and Thunderbox
We’re huge fans of Steven’s work, especially that one where his son dies and then he dies but is actually in a coma and comes back to life and winds up spreading his sex Buddhist magic all over the mayor’s henchmen and then puts the gun in the guy’s mouth and the mouth bleeds.
River Rock–May 12

Cindy Sheehan
The woman who was ignored while camping out in front of George Bush’s ranch comes to Vancouver to teach Canadian mothers how to do likewise in front of 24 Sussex Drive when their sons and daughters are slaughtered in Afghanistan.
Shaughnessy Heights United Church–May 6