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Credit Check: All Local, All For You. Happy?

By only

Friday August 7, 2009

-88 Boy, 14, charged with 2 Vancouver-area sex assaults. And he’s only 14! That means, with a projected life expectancy of at least 60, this lovely individual will be making the kind of contributions to society we can all revel in, enjoy, remember, etc. Welcome to today’s Province headline and cover story.

-54 Three men were sent to hospital following an explosion in a townhouse complex in Burnaby, B.C. Three men and an EXPLOSION. Sitcom alert! Of course, Charlie Sheen is the guy who lights himself on fire trying to freebase. Fucking Burnaby, get it together.

-10 TransLink announces bus route changes for September 7th Now see, this is the kind of bullshit “local” coverage is enslaved to. Bus schedule changes! So let this story be a reminder to everyone. Things have changed. We live in Berlin, New York, Chicago, and London now. We don’t care when your bus is coming.

0 Experts find a way to track onslaught of sea lice Sea lice! Sounds interesting doesn’t it? We assure you that this story is local, but you can’t read it because the Globe and Mail has restricted the content to its “GlobePlus” members only. Newspapers just don’t get internet, and that’s why they’re slowly dying. Like your gramps’ Culture Club cassette tape.

+5 Best Vancouver Picnic Ideas. Fuck yeah! Picnic ideas! Love local news!

+12 Stabbing victim died protecting family: girlfriend Well that’s a positive spin on things. We liked how they wrap this story with, “Surrey is about 30 kilometres east of Vancouver.” Damn right it is.

Today: -8 This Year: Who cares. We’re getting back in the pool.