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Tuesday March 25, 2008


The Mist
Oh man, we don’t even know why this movie was called The Mist. ‘Cause by the title, one would get the illusion that the Mist is the bad guy, right? Well hate to break it to you, but the Mist isn’t even a character. The Mist just hangs out, and watches a bunch of dumb as fuck Americans running round with mop torches try not to get eaten my the mutant bugs that were unleashed when a government experiment went awry and opened up a portal to another dimension. Ya, we know, right? Since when did Stephen King get so good at writing? So far this sounds like it couldn’t get any better. But it totally does! In the end, the main posse of people don’t even win, they just try to drive away from the Mist and run out of gas. And we bet you’re thinking, “no way!”, but it gets even MORE better. After they run out of gas and the reality of the situation sets in, they pull out a gun and the main guy shoots everyone in the face to save them from being eaten alive by locusts or something, only to find that the mist just GOES AWAY, like, seconds after he’s murdered all his companions (including his young son). Just like that. It just goes away. End of movie. What a thrill ride! Thanks for making us dead inside, Mist. Fuck you forever.

The Kite Runner
The one cool thing about this movie is that it shows what Afghanistan was like back in the ’70s, before communism, Russia, America, the heroin and the crazy beardies rode through and made it the worst country of all time. Back in the ’70s, Afghanistan would have probably been a sweet place to grow up, especially if your dad was rich and you had cool servants and flew a mean kite, like the kid in this movie. But then one day he stands by and watches while his servant’s son (who is also kinda his boy) gets raped in the ass out of loyalty to him, and for some dumb reason that made him hate the kid? Has your father not taught you ANYTHING? Anyways, we all know where this story goes. Afghanistan becomes a hell, he and his dad move to America, his dad owns a gas station/dies, and in the end his “honesty is the best policy” crap finally resonates and the kid’s balls finally drop. BORING! This movie may have been a complete yawn, but we can all agree on one issue: cowards are the fucking WORST. Anyone who hides and watches while their servant’s son gets butt raped is totally wack.

Jimmy Carter:Man From Plains
Directed by the guy who brought us Silence of the Lambs, watch this movie and think about how the world would have been a different place, because it would be… More on this later in the week. Promise… But for now, watch this video.