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Monday November 5, 2007


Old Business: We wrote about this movie when it was in theaters and consider it essential viewing. See it now. New Business: What the fuck is wrong with America? Obviously that’s a rhetorical question, but still, right now Giuliani is the implausible front-runner for the Republican party, which means that if we’re talking worst-case-scenario, he has a fifty percent chance of taking over for Bush in ’08. Rudy has been campaigning relentlessly against “socialized medicine,” tossing the term around like it’s the new 9/11 and (unsurprisingly) lying through his fucking teeth about it. We can only wish that buddy hadn’t survived the prostate cancer. But what he, and the people who should be jumping down his throat, are missing is one very simple point: health-care should not be a lucrative industry.

We’ve been secretly eating this shit up for months, and if you’ve haven’t seen this yet, do it. New Zealand musical duo Jemaine Clement and Bret McKenzie are Flight of the Conchords, a struggling songwriter team toughing it out in New York. Along with their well meaning but reasonably inept band manager and New Zealand consulate contact Murray, they don’t do much. Never really play shows and only have one super obsessed fan, but every dead pan minute is awesome. Each episode is filled with musical comedy gems as they try to woo girls, wear leather pants, deal with racism, get visited by a dream version of David Bowie, get mugged and rhyme hippopotamus with bottomless. It’s like a smarter, funnier Tenacious D but with actually funny songs and without all the loudmouth Jack Black jackassing.

Writer/Director Brad Bird hit a new record with this Pixar/Disney co-concoction about a rat in Paris who becomes the city’s hottest chef. The energetic super nerd behind The Iron Giant and the untouchable Incredibles, Bird knows how to tell a story, and his enthusiasm for perfection can be seen in every rendered shot. With digitally animated films looking this good, you’ve seriously got to wonder what the hell Robert Zemeckis is thinking by digitizing live actors in his up coming version of Beowulf. That shit looks just like the intro to a bad videogame, which is nothing to aspire to. Besides, Polar Express sucked. Learn your lesson.

This movie is excellent because it represents a new low for female actors. Throughout history, females who chose to act were known as actresses. After Chuck and Larry, they move one step closer to being simply known as “pieces of ass”. Literally. Yup, there’s Adam Sandler, all his usual friends and a lovable portly guy up in this thing, but helloooo foreshadowing, none of that is worth tits… Unless they belong to Jessica Biel. This year’s Scarlett Johanson, Biel is renowned for her booty (where Scar-Jo was renowned for her boobs). Think that’s crass? See this movie. If within two seconds of appearing on screen there is a close up of your butt, then you’re a wonderful wonderful winner. You’re a winner because you win, and you win because you have a big winning bum. Double high-fives, Jessica Biel. You gets to be famous now.