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Monday December 3, 2007


Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
If you want to, go for it. But it’s long. And not very good.

Here’s to hoping that Michael Cera is a compulsive sperm donor. Let’s hope he’s got a bank the size of an entire city block full of his steez, just waiting to make the world a better place. Here’s to hoping he lists “fathering illegitimate children” as one of his favourite hobbies. Here’s to hoping that he discovers polygamy, and loves it. Have five families at once, Mike. Shit, have ten! The world desperately needs it. Yes, maybe the world doesn’t deserve it. Maybe you’re too good for us, Mike. Maybe you’re too good for all of us. You can leave us if you want. We’ll understand. But while you’re here, just know that we love you. Now please, put your P in our Va-G.

The Wire Season 4
By now almost everyone knows this show is the best. Oh you didn’t? Well, it is. This season focuses on the lives of the kids growing up on the streets of Baltimore and what school is like, the pressures they face and the dangerous decisions they have to make on a daily basis. It also ties in teachers, politicians, top cops, beat cops and drug dealing thugs too. Truly one of the best TV shows ever, it makes everything you see on network television look hopelessly childish, and in HBO’s dwindling line-up of high concept, high budget programming, it is still the silent dark horse, which is fucked ‘cause it is awesome.

This is England
Exactly just what we needed: A movie about the seduction of a young boy by white supremacists in England in 1983. Like examples of hatred and bigotry are hard to find now a days. Maybe it’s just that back then those racists… er… nationalists had style and a good soundtrack… and Thatcher. So you see, it was a little more understandable. Essentially this is a “how to become a hater by numbers” movie with a good kid in the lead which refuses to go anywhere new. You could pretty much learn all about the socio-economic causes that led to the rise of racism in the 1980s from any old sociology text book. On the other hand, it is further evidence why groups of ignorant white people suck. So again, like we said, nothing new.

The Nanny Diaries
Here’s a hilarious story: The Weinstein company actually pushed the release of this film back five months — from April to September — to put it into awards contention. Awards like Oscars. Obviously that was an ill conceived plan. This movie bombed in theaters, and a video of a monkey taking a poo in its own hand and then eating it on YouTube has a better chance of winning an Oscar than any movie starring Scarlett Johansson . Yes, we hate the shit out of her and everyone knows it… But that having been said, this movie wasn’t as bad as we expected it to be. You know, it still sucked and all, but we still had both of our eyes by the end.