Looks-ism is the New Racism

By Sarah Cordingley

Tuesday February 27, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: COLLEGE GIRLS KICKED OUT OF SORORITY FOR BEING FAT, UGLY

Holy shit, I can’t believe after all the hard work that went in to pledge week, those peppy spirits were rejected by the very same, slightly thinner, and passably- attractive bunch that lured them to join the Delta Nus or the Alpha Betas or whatever, in the first place. Now that rag tag gang of pudgos and four-eyes, brace faces and minorities will have to feel, all too early, the cruel slap of reality sting their relatively plain-looking faces. But don’t count them out just yet, because every warm-blooded, bespectacled freak knows the only way to overcome the hierarchy of the Greek house order is to create your own! Nerds rule!

From now on nobody pushes the sistahood of the Tri-Thetas around. They are gonna show those bitches what’s what and remind them that Ugly Betty is running this shit. Not even that meddling dean or the prissy head of Gamma Gamma is gonna stand in their way. And they are telling you they are not going to be left out of the glamourous world of sorority houses anymore. And even though the whole concept of sororities and fraternities is so outdated and irrelevant -surely you’ve never known anyone that has actually been in one or God forbid, wanted to be in one – that’s no reason we shouldn’t blow this story way out of proportion. I think they should demand their own reality show on MTV. Just like Sorority Life, except instead of body shots and one-night stands, there’ll be a lot of nerding around and cramming for math tests.

And instead of being so surprised that slutty college chicks want to entice date rapists from neighbouring frat houses by kicking out the unwanteds, these nerds should awkwardly fight back, lovably screwing up the whole way, chasing the big man on campus and winning his heart by becoming his tutor or taking all his tests for him and then putting out! But maybe these nerds don’t know the rules. Perhaps they are too young to appreciate the time-honoured tradition of picking on dorks in college, a tradition that goes all the way back to Animal House. Don’t they get that without nerd-segregation we wouldn’t have such classic cultural phenomena as the made-for-TV movies, Dying to Belong and A Friend to Die For ?

Alas, even though their parents are shelling out roughly $40,000 a year to keep them in toga robes and pocket protectors, it seems the one class not on Depauw University’s list is History. If it were, this wouldn’t have been such a big deal. Because everybody knows millions of people wouldn’t shell out $12 bucks to watch Legally Nerd, not to mention Legally Nerd II. Sexy blondes and roidy homophobes named Lockhart keep the Greek System afloat, not Mexicans and yo-yo dieters.

And so to the sorority reject who said to CNN recently that looks-ism is the new racism, I say, you’re ugly, but there’s nothing wrong with that — Nerds Rule!