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Monday March 10, 2008


No Country For Old Men
Like any blue blooded movie geek worth their weight in geldings, we’re Coen brothers fans. Yup, big time. The book is good too. Reads like a screenplay. Funny that.

Dan In Real Life
We could really care less that Steve Carell has decided to hurry up and shit his career away already. He’ll find some character in a Dr. Seuss book to play in less than a year and the prophecy will inevitably be fulfilled. However, we are seriously pissed that Dane Cook decided to wuss out this early on in life. Dane, you’re one of the funniest comedians of all time, and you’re hot. And what the fuck are you doing dating Juliette Binoche in this shitty momedy? And are you really old enough to be Steve’s brother? Because that didn’t really work for us – kind of like every single line of the dialogue. And why do all of Steve’s movies end with him getting married? Not funny.

It takes a certain kind of actor to consider – let alone sign up to star in – a movie based on a video game. Movies based on games aren’t new (consider anything from Resident Evil to Super Mario Bros) nor are they ever any good (consider anything from Resident Evil to Super Mario Bros). But we kind of like Timothy Olyphant. He was a total surprise in The Girl Next Door and great as Seth Bullock in Deadwood. But Agent 47? What kind of role is that? Did he think it would be a good career move? Give him exposure? Like all those 13 year old boys are suddenly going to become Olyphant fans? Like they are really going to put down the Big Gulp and pick up a gym membership and practice their cold, emotionless stare? Come on, Tim. Smarten up. The back of the bald head bar code tattoo might catch on though, so….

Bee Movie
Weird how even computer animated bees that have Jerry Seinfeld’s voice but don’t even look anything like him still can’t act. That’s just so… weird… Anyways, if you’re willing to take the fantastical leap that this film asks of you – that leap being that bees can talk to people, and that a human woman would fall in love with a bee because it had a wicked sense of humour albeit a pitifully G-rated one – then hi, welcome to your support group. We know life has been a bit of a roller-coaster, and we’re here to help. For starters, have you ever considered a permanent vasectomy? Soon the world is going to run out of its natural resources. Even things like milk and bread and eggs are going to be scarce, and expensive. Do you really want to bring kids into a world like that? Especially ones as retarded as you? They won’t stand a chance! Especially if the bees get their way.

Holy Christ Jude Law is a weirdo. First he remakes the Michael Caine classic, Alfie, taking on the role that Michael Caine made famous, and then he gets Kenneth Branagh to direct a remake of another Michael Caine classic but now he’s acting across from Michael Caine, playing the role Caine had in the original. Got that? Like, who does he think he is? Michael Caine? That can’t be. There can’t be two Michael Caines. Can there? In the same movie? This is really messing us up, because if Michael Caine is Michael Caine and Jude Law is also Michael Caine, then who is Jude Law?…Oh yeah Jonathan Rhys Myers is the poor man’s Jude Law. So it kind of works out. Weird.