Credit Check: The Funeral

By only

Friday December 21, 2007

- 1 The key to keeping kids away from the lure of a dangerous gang lifestyle is to not to show them the kick-ass van they would get to roll around in, checking their pagers and pounding Rhyme Pays.

+1 You’ve got to have some inordinately bad luck, mean friends or numb nuts to get busted in Vancouver for drugs the fuzz find in Australia, but fine.

±0 $70,000 a year will buy Vancouver’s most dedicated police officers a whole lotta Swedish Touch in 2008.

- 2 The cops won’t be making pee in comparison to the horrific, massive 25% wage increases that Vancouver’s City Councillors have privately voted for themselves. The logic? To align their $100,000 – $200,000 salaries to the 17.5% increase that Vancouver’s city workers will receive over five years. Peter Ladner can assure everyone that the increase is “Expensive but necessary.” in the same tone someone would use to say something like “Help me, I need cocaine to function”.

- 2 69% of British Columbians will call the cops on you for having a party. Not surprisingly, the same 69% suffer from chronic adult genital wilting. But is there a connection?

- 1 A funeral director in Kelowna has been giving grieving families’ kitty litter in place of ashes, and well… keeping the bodies, and… probably having very rigid marathon sex with all of them. You know it’s something sassy when they won’t say.

- 1 An Ottawa school has opted to dump “Soon it will be Christmas Day” from the seasonal classic Silver Bells in efforts to not alienate it’s more culturally diverse students, replacing the lyric with “God hopes you children aren’t gay”.

Today: - 6 This Year: - 170