Tasering at Six!

By Chuck Ansbacher

Wednesday November 14, 2007

For the first time ever, there is a reason to watch the local news. Tonight at six o’clock on all local stations, the previously unreleased video of Robert Dziekanski — the crazy Polish guy that the RCMP tasered to death at the airport exactly one month ago — getting tasered to death by the RCMP at the airport will be shown to the public for the very first time.

The video has been described as ‘shocking’ by the victim’s mother’s lawyer, but he might be biased because it’s a video of his client’s son dying. To counter that, the RCMP are asking viewers to keep an open mind about the video because it doesn’t show things like what was going through the minds of the officers who tasered the guy.

That’s right, unlike most normal home-videos, this one is not actually clairvoyant. And due to this un-futuristic shortcoming, we won’t be treated to colorful commentary like “Holy shit what language is that where’s my taser tzzzzzt!” How terribly unfortunate for those officers, and for us all.