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Monday April 2, 2007

New Movie Mondays

The Good Shepherd
Okay, pretend we are Robert De Niro, and you are some Hollywood producer and we’re trying to sell you on why you should make our movie: “Guy, this movie is going to be huge. Like way bigger than A Bronx Tail. You ready? I’m talking two of the hottest young stars in Hollywood. Ice hot. Seriously, you ready? Picture this, OK? I got Matt Damon. Angelina Jolie. On screen together for the first time. It’s gonna siZZle. And it’s about the CIA and shit! Can you guys spell me a TOUCHDOWN? Because HOOT! Bobby D is on fire like NBA Jam baby! I’m going Vegas on these snitches baby! Vegas!”


Volver
Damn. Remember when Penelope Cruz was dating Tom Cruise for that quick second? Yeah, thank God that didn’t pan out. Because now, instead of being some nutty alien freak like Joey Potter, she is making movies about her awesome boobs. Seriously, this movie is only about Penelope Cruz and her incredible rack. She even wears one of those sweet dangling necklaces that accentuates her great cleavage because it dangles perfectly at the entrance to her bosom. Nestled where the boobs start. You know what we’re talking about? It’s her boobs. The entire movie is about them.


Death of a President
When this movie came out, people were shocked. Some even outraged. How could anyone make a movie about the assassination of the worst, most hated President in American history? Apparently it’s pretty easy. Just doctor some footage to match real, existing footage here. Stage some convincing interviews with fake people there. Edit a few things together here and there. Add a nice gunshot sound effect for seasoning, and voila! You just made delectably revolutionary docu-drama about someone doing something everyone secretly wishes would happen, but which no one actually wants to do the time for. But hey, we bet you’d get a free trip to Cuba.


Color Me Kubrick
This is the kind of movies actors happily die for. Acting in a project where they really get to act, and that’s what actors like doing most, is acting. Luckily for them there’s a lot of acting going on here. John Malkovich chews the scenery like an old Jersey cow out in a field, and you can see the smile on his face in ever scene, like he’s sooo nailing it. Pretending to be a predatory homosexual con man (what a stretch!) who picked up young guys and mooched his way around town while claiming to be Stanley Kubrick is totally the kind of part all his acting class buddies wished they got. Unfortunately for us, we actually find actors to be some of the biggest dipshits in history, and watching Malkovich cross-dress and use a bunch of different accents just isn’t the good time it used to be.


Animated Soviet Propaganda
Saturday Night Live makes torture jokes on its “Weekend Update” segment. The hardbitten cops of the CBS show Criminal Minds fight to get to their suspect before, one of them gripes, “Homeland Security drops him down the rabbit hole.” 24‘s Jack Bauer, the US government agent, breaks bones without breaking a sweat to further his investigation. Unthinkable a few years ago, torture and disappearance has been normalised through drama. Compare to the Soviet cartoon “Someone Else’s Voice” in which a Magpie, home from abroad, gives a concert of improv jazz to an audience of nightingales. The nightingales, not approving of the change, beat up and drive the magpie away. The text on screen which warns that “this moral is not just for magpies” is as much a threat to the viewer as anything on Dateline.