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Help time with Amil Niazi (™)

By Amil Niazi

Friday July 17, 2009

Dear Amil,

One of my friends is dating a total douche. I guess he’s pretty good-looking, but all he ever does is make fun of her and other people constantly, and not in an amusing way. They’ve been together for quite a while and I can’t really see it ending, but my friends and I think this relationship is really bad for her… she acts differently around him and has bizarrely low self-esteem (even though she’s awesome and has lots of opportunities to date other guys). So should one of us say something, or is that just asking for awkwardness? And if we don’t say anything, how do we avoid hanging out with this a-hole?

Concerned Friend.

Dear She Totally Has Daddy Issues,

He sounds like a fat, abusive, piece of shit. But maybe your friend is into that? MAYBE your friend is not as awesome as you suggest since she is spending all of her time at Mystic Tan and the Keg with Patrick Bateman. Chicken and egg, you know? WHO is the asshole, is what I’m getting at.

What you should probably do is set them both on fire and say “good day.”

Because what is more awkward?

Dealing with this situation now, or having to spend $56.95 on His ‘n Hers Paint Ball guns for their wedding?

Dear Amil,

Am I an asshole? I suspect I may be. How do I live a fulfilling life as an asshole? Is there a future for me in the world of Ultimate Fighting? Perhaps social work? Does this email make me look fat?

Thanks, I guess.

Dear Fat Asshole,

How did you know your girlfriend’s friend would be writing in this week? BANANAS.

Yes, you may want to consider some time in Ultimate Gay Pornography, but that is just a band-aid solution.

Honour suicide.

Consider it.

I will pay for the bullet.