Help time with Amil Niazi (™)

By Amil Niazi

Monday July 6, 2009

Dear Amil,

Not too long ago, my girlfriend, her friend from work, and I were hanging out at her apartment. Whilst my girlfriend was off in her room, her friend and I discussed where we would eat that night. We looked at some places online and he told me he was going to take a shit. Right when he got up I decided to check my email, and Amil, I didn’t have enough time to enter my username and password before he came out of the bathroom. I looked at him in shock and he just said, “what, I’m quick.” I told him it takes me longer just to wash my hands and he said, “I don’t wash them.” I was shocked, but his explanation offended me to my core. He didn’t wash his hands, because he “didn’t touch anything.”

Here’s the problem, when I told my girlfriend about our friend’s filthy hygiene habits and his absurd explanation she responded that a man who doesn’t wash his hands after defecating is “her kinda guy!” I don’t know what to do? How can I be with someone like this? Her kinda guy? I know the women these days are fans of the “dirty” boys, but I always thought dirty was more of a stylistic choice, not someone with heinous hygiene that can put all of our health in jeopardy.

So, I’m guessing the only option is to break up with her? But do I need to somehow light the both of them on fire? Humanity is at stake.

Dear Gigantic Parasite,

That is disgusting and don’t you go thinking that lighting the two of them on fire is going to end this fecal blight on mankind because you have obviously been contaminated yourself. Murder-Suicide. That is the right thing to do.

And tell me this! Did you then afterwards go out and consume food with this person? Are you saying to me that you broke bread right after he broke poo? Ay yay yi!

Look at these worms, do they not look like something that happens to someone when they don’t wash their hands after they poo!? DO THEY NOT?

But I mean, if you really love this person, if that is even possible now, I guess it can be worked out. My toilet clogged on the weekend and I was like, “Okay, Amil, time to move. You can’t ever use this toilet again as it’s been, well, you know – compromised.”

But I love my apartment and it’s too late to start looking for something in the middle of summer, so whatever, I just bleached the shit out of it and then had a really, really long shower. So what I’m saying is, throw some bleach on her, hope it takes and then scrub the fuck out of your wormy body.

Dear Ms Niazi,

I work “creatively” with a group of friends who are generally pretty funny awesome, except for one douche who consistently butts heads with me. Thing is, aside from his stubborn, idiotic ideas and unwillingness to ever listen to me, he’s the one who owns the expensive equipment we use (and by we, I mean not him, because we don’t really trust him with using it properly). We’ve joke kicked him out of the group before, but I’m through with jokes. Is this a situation where poisoning would come in handy? We just have to make sure we borrow the equipment before tainting his Vitamin Water, right?

Adventures in Dummyland

Dear Control Freak,

Just so we’re all clear, you’re a young scamp who has a clubhouse where you make cute Youtube videos with your little friends and one of them is bothering you with his always wanting to do dances to Single Ladies? Right? Because as an objective reader – and more importantly – an adult, that’s what I’m getting from your question. That you are a child.

Oh, you’re using some guy for his web cam, but you don’t know how to tell him that you hate his fat guts and you wish that he had never been born? Well why don’t you get a job and buy your own Carebears Handy Cam, so that your “No Dummiez Allowed” club can be exactly the way YOU want it to be.

Grow up!

Dear Amil,

Your literary prowess and humorability tickle my fancy so.
Perchance, might you be available for dating and/or meaningful friendship?

Sincerely,
No Lecherous Intent

Dear Perv,

1.) Humorability is not A word, let alone ONE word
2.) Pray tell, what sort of meaningful friendship would you like us to have over the internet? Cyber-perv.
3.) Send me a picture, NO FATTIES! A/S/L?