only magazine

↵ home

Help time with Amil Niazi (™)

By Amil Niazi

Thursday May 21, 2009

Dear Amil,
How come when people on the Enterprise beam up, and from, anywhere on the ship in an emergency why do they even have a transporter room that they only sometimes have to go to to beam up and from the ship?

Want A Response Please (WARP)

Dear Space Garbage,
What the fuck are you talking about?

Dear Amil,
I’ve been unemployed for 2 months now. I’ve had to give up my apartment and move in with my girlfriend. I feel slightly emasculated by these recent changes and having to rely on my partner. I need money fast. I need to get out of this rut. What is the best pyramid scheme to join?

Not A Bum

Dear What Part Of Get A Job Don’t You Get A Job?
When you are aged and never give up, it gives your the confidence, at any chance, at any place. I need your assistance and trust please. Get your complimentary credit report! I EXPECT YOUR URGENT COMMUNICATION! Do her in hers face, feel good.

You see what I’m saying? Spam. It’s the new economy. Drop your load in her pharmaceutical matchmaker.

Dear Amil,
I need to stalk someone, what’s the best way to do this?

Not Crazy

Dear I Don’t Want To Be Held Legally Responsible For Anything,
Stalking is a violation of the trust humans have in each other to be cool, so I myself would not partake in such behaviour. And I would never suggest you hire an airplane to write cryptic messages in the sky or get a series of secret email accounts just in case one of the other ones gets blocked or haunt the Missed Connections section of Craigslist, reading way too much into every post (M4M? that could be you), or have your face taken off in order to move freely around said person’s whereabouts, though you may or may not even be aware of these whereabouts for legal reasons. You’re making me uncomfortable.

(God speed.)

Send any and all queries to: [email protected]

Anonymity guaranteed.