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Help time with Amil Niazi (™)

By Amil Niazi

Thursday March 12, 2009

Dear Amil,

How do I tell my friends who are old (30++) that they are too old to be doing blow? I am afraid one of them will have a heart attack, or engage me in a conversation about keeping it real. Is there a form letter or anonymous Internet service I can employ?

Stevie Wonderbread

Dear T2: Judgment Day,

Are your friends hairdressers? Because those guys are always the worst about sadly clinging to their grizzled youth. I mean, what are you, a haircut and some feet? Why does everything have to be so “Rock n Roll” with you guys? More like My Hurls, right? Get new friends. Just because you like the meat doesn’t mean you have to hang out with the butcher. (?)

Dear Amil,

How do I party during a recession without upsetting all the newly homeless and unemployed? I know it’s a time for keeping it real, but I feel like I better get it in now as I’m soon to join them.


Dear We’re all gonna be so poor,

Have you ever fallen asleep in the woods? I have. Nobody parties harder than the homeless and unemployed. Probably, if you just stop equating the word ‘party’ with the words ‘Skybar’ and ‘date rape’ you’ll be fine. OR, you could ask Judgy McHairdresser up there to give you the number of his friends.

Dear Friend,

My name is Mr.Su Ning,deputy governor people’s bank of china.
I have a very urgent business proposal for your consideration
and acceptance.Please don’t be offended about this email as it
is only a request to go into partnership over a business deal.

This transaction is worth 21.5 million U.S Dollars and am willing
to inform you on details of the transaction on receipt of your reply
in acceptance to this email. Please email me at my private email.

Thank you and hope to hear from you

Mr. Su Ning,
Dear I already gave my heart to a Nigerian prince,