They Must Be Stopped

By only

Tuesday October 16, 2007

Terrible news: Lululemon’s stock rose 10% in response to their third-quarter profit thingee, which puts that pesky, evil little stock up to almost $50. That’s a 25% increase since they went public on July 27. Yes, that was the fateful day Chip Wilson, King of Lululemon, rang the Nasdaq bell and they celebrated, drank champagne, and then took him in the back and gave him his “I’m a shape-shifting lizard” pin. Then, Wilson and his minions sat with Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, ate foie gras, and Tony Blair explained the organisational approach to world domination. Afterwards, alone on the drive home, David Icke stealthily pulled up beside Wilson’s car on his signature motorbike with his signature harpoon and thrust it into the engine block of the speeding Bentley, causing it to explode on the the highway and flip off a cliff into the Atlantic. Wilson quickly shape-shifted into a parrot and flew into the darkness, lost in the thick foliage, and Icke picked up his sacred weapon off the smoking pavement and stared hard into the night, cursing his decision to detach his signature sidecar.

But what’s worse is that a 25% increase also means 25% more tight ass pants and yoga mats for a seemingly way already tapped market, and despite the 43% increase of North Americans who regularly practice yoga since the ’90s, 30% percent of North Americans are considered obese, and there’s been a 60% hike in persons over 65. So either these yuppie ladies are stockpiling for the coming apocalypse, folks are wearing more of what they really truly please-don’t shouldn’t, or there must be more dudes out there… with the… no, that’s ridiculous. Good thinking, yuppie ladies.