Mr. Control Knob

If you are looking to have a good laugh, buy the perfect present for the biggest dick you know or get a peek at the current and future roster of the Roxy’s stage or 604 Records, head down to that Long and McQuaid on Arbutus today at about 5:00pm because one of the most expensive and pathetic guitars in history is going on sale. Thankfully there’s only ten.

The Gibson Robot Guitar is entirely evil, $2500.00 and set up so that you don’t have to ever tangle up your ponytail in the tuning pegs again or know how to tune a guitar because it tunes itself to perfect pitch with its built in tuner via the Master Control Knob with info that comes from the neck CPU that goes straight down the pipe to your painted fingertips so you can crank out Collective Soul and Pearl Jam covers that have never sounded better. You just turn that master control knob to the “cheese” setting, and sonic Velveeta pours out everywhere.

While tuning up is supposed to be really hard and a real pain in the slacks, is this innovation necessary? What good can come from this? What if you already know how to tune? What are you going to do with your roadie now? What happens to all the electronics when we throw our beer at you on stage? What happens if you play in a band with a guy that has this guitar, and you don’t?

Apparently Mr. Control Knob doesn’t care about these things though, he just wants to line up, pay up, and shove it way up. All the way up. His bumhole. At 5:00. Today.

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