VIDEODRONE

By only

Monday October 15, 2007

NEW MOVIE MONDAYS
Planet Terror
The penis to Tarantino’s vagina, Planet Terror initiated the double bill that was Grind House back when it played in theaters, and now gets a full-length DVD release. The movie is incredible. Where Tarantino took an homage to the B-movies of yesteryear and basically made it a Tarantino film, with Planet Terror, Rodriguez literally just makes a B-movie. But makes it sooooo killer. Deconstructing the idea of what a movie is supposed to be entirely, plot, reality and taste all suffer a bright-red bloody death at the expense of serious fun. And really, that’s all this movie is – one half of the most fun movie ever made… this century.


Tranformers
Holy this was a piece of shit. OK we know fanboys and fucking whatevers everywhere are gonna be all like “what are you talking about dude? It was AWWWWWESOOOOMMME! The fuckin’ robots and shit… transforming. Smashin’ stuff. Like when Megatron and Optimus Prime are fighting, and…” yeah yeah yeah. Listen pal, this is the 21st century and it should take more than two good scenes of CG robots smashing stuff to do it for you. Like after all this time, that’s all you got? If we have to see one more slow-mo army guys with guns getting out of a copter with the Middle Eastern sun setting behind them scene, we’re gonna start smashing. And what the hell was this movie even about? Ad placement for Chevy cars, Panasonic, Nokia, The Strokes? Stroke this. And John Voight playing a competent version of Donald Rumsfeld? Holy fuck. Like the defense secretary would totally know how to handle alien robots battling it out on earth, like there was some totally secret manual just for this occasion. Come on. And the ending? Sweet Jesus. So after all the battling robot stuff, Megatron does finally get the stupid cube thing and puts it in his chest, and then dies? What? Did that… Fuck you. And then the military dumps Megatron’s body into the ocean thinking that’s all it’ll take to hide the evidence of aliens on earth. Like no one will know. What? Did nobody notice the gigantic fuck off robots destroying cities and shit. You mean nooooo one got that on a camera phone? Screw you Michael Bay, you cocksuckler. Screw you and your amped up and empty repackaging of our childhood memories. May you choke on all the money this stupid movie made you.


The Hoax
Truly one of the greatest almost pulled off hoaxes of all time was when Clifford Irving (Richard Gere) convinced the entire world that he had been contracted to write the first ever authorized autobiography about Howard Hughes. And really, he came incredibly close to pulling it off. The book was published, was hailed as a masterpiece, and Hughes basically had to emerge from years of solitude to debunk the dude… While this movie sucked, imagine if it didn’t. Imagine if, somehow, The Hoax had turned out to be the best movie of 2007, won the Oscar, and a bunch of people for the rest of time always said “Yeah, Casablanca was incredible, but it’s no The Hoax.” If that impossible scenario had actually come true, we’re willing to bet to fucking God the people who made this movie would seriously regret ever naming this movie The Hoax, because that truly is one of the most boring names for a movie since Crash.