That’s Not A Monkey On Your Back

That’s Donkey Kong

Dear Diary. White people and black people are different. White people live in Vancouver and Chinese people consider Chinese food to just be food. I think. Like if you were raised and born in one of the Chinese countries, no one there says, “Hey let’s go for some Chinese tonight.” No. Why would they say that? They probably just say “Hey, who wants to go and get some food to eat?” Right? “And what the hey, lets eat it with some sticks just because.” Those full-face sun visors they got are dope though. Megs has a theory that if you live downtown you mainly walk east-west and if you live in not downtown then you do more north-south maybe. Think about it.

Now stop. Watch. Is very Bling Bling. Look at that weirdo. Have you ever heard Reggae music? It hates Babylon big time.
Cam’ron’s Killa Season movie/DVD is now out and wow — it’s really pushing some cinematic boundaries in its flawless and brutally honest portrayal of what Cam’ron would do if he made a real bad ghetto movie that went nowhere. He’s official nice while the rest of us are Fisher Price. Also, maybe Cam’ron listens to Cam’ron too much. Though his other choices are listening to the guy named after the guy who invented poisoned Kool Aide or the guy who can only rhyme words with bandana. Canines film festival get ready for the Dips. No one else is ready. I’d really like to see Ebert and the new guy who’s not the dead guy sit through the three hours of your life that this movie takes from you. What would they think? Would they enjoy the scene where Cam’ron has mercy on a little girl and, instead of shooting her dead, he just spits on her? Do you like that, Ebert? How about the coke mule/pooping girls scene? Do you like that, Other Guy? And why does Cam’ron have that weird apostrophe in his name anyway?

What’s that? That’s craaaaaack. Professor X died a little while ago but don’t ever forget about X Clan. Wanna see a giant, maybe 17-feet tall, inflatable Westside hand? Then go see Ice Cube next time he comes here. ‘Cause he’s got one. Giant inflatable things are gangsta. Spare Rolex? Morning-after pills? It’s officially dice season. Four, five, six or back door L’il Joe. I went to the horse track last week and won $25.20 on Louie Downtown for the win and the show. All the other funny horse names I bet on lost. Inni Meeni Minimo and Sudden Carnage are dead to me. Dead like horses. When’s the last time you slapped into a 69? Ghostride your wife.

Ummm, hot dogs on Robson Street — still good. Did you ever notice that when it used to rain and you were on the Hastings bus going past the “party” district that the only people who had the umbrellas were the drug dealers? Also, remember when all the drug dealers had the same huge brown Rocawear hoodie from Army Navy? Speaking of which, Army Navy has a new shipment of ECKOS gear in, which is a hilarious bootleg of Ecko Unlimited. Mark Ecko (not his real name) recently proved himself to be an idiot by pretending to tag Air Force One in some sort of fake street cred scam. Chinese ladies who collect bottles and cans have street cred. Mark Ecko pees his pants and has wet dreams about being accepted. Mark Ecko needs one of those full-face sun visors that cover your full face. Chinese women wear them. Mark Ecko is the new Chinese woman and he’s a disgrace to everyone everywhere. Word to Met Life the IRS can suck my books. What does it mean when you get a letter that says your EI is exhausted? Does it just take a short break and come back? I love you I miss you.

Top 5 Songs Not to Put on a Love Jams Mix

  1. Whoop That Trick – DJ from Hustle & Flow
  2. Wildflower – Ghostface Killah
  3. Cheese And Dope – Project Pat
  4. That Girl Is A Slut – Just-Ice
  5. Findum, Fuckem & Flee – NWA
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What Monkey?

No, your other left? Over there?

You know who never gets older? Underage girls. Yep. And if they eat with chopsticks? Underasians. And if they live in Laguna Beach? Caucasians. When did Poppin Trunk Neon’s Glow Princess Cut Invisible Set become something that people say? Who? Ike Turner! Loud Mouth Grills by Martini now available at Dipt but for real — if you ain’t the type who can rock ‘em right (i.e.: Trill) then they just gonna make you look like a special kid (and not special in the good way). Summer is coming so get to Army and Navy for all your West Coast Dickie short needs. California raisins. That’s what I’m gonna look like when I’m older. Like a Firetruck with sunglasses on. Gully.

I copped a Kid ‘N Play “Funhouse” CD the other day. On the back, Kid’s rocking a Malcolm X Fan Club shirt. What you know about that? Up and coming up, young, super duty, tough work producers Zach and Kev got a new mix CD called “Killing Time”, and Neoteric’s got an all Canadian rap CD hosted by Maestro Fresh Wes called “Exhibit Eh” out now too. So get at all three of them (especially the Funhouse CD). Plus Arems and Sets got a West Coast gangsta mix CD called “Steady Mobbing” out so gaffle that as well. Beatstreet got all the local CDs so get ‘em good. Has anyone ever met anyone who’s both a Native and a Jewish? We gotta make one of those.

Enough with the plugs — on to the jokes. What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common? Oh man, what could it be? It’s gotta be something awful if it’s an MJ joke. Give up? They both come on little white crackers. Pause. Oh snap, no he didn’t. Yes he did, yes he did. Terrible, terrible, funny. Duck, duck, goose. Say it out loud. Joke courtesy of that guy, Jay O Smooth, who got it from some other guy. I’m balling like Jesus Christ on the cross. Or at least like Nas playing Jesus Christ while rapping on a cross while wearing an iced out cross. Do people wear other ill shit like Platinum atom bomb and mushroom cloud chains? Lord willing the Clipse is as Christian as I get. The Clipse are my shit. The Clipse U Akbar. Jose Cuervo, nahwhutimsayin’ though.
The new Mobb Deep Blood Money got some good cuts on it. I recommend “Pearly Gates”, “Capital P Capital H” and “Creep”. Weed is now grass (again) and everyone else kicks the most worst rap shit compared to Bandana P’s verse.

Okay, okay, let’s see. Oh yeah, the Hyphy edition of What’s Good Saturday at the Met was dope. Mad kids showed up and my man Rico Impossible killed it but I think everyone missed the point. (Like I know what the point is but whatevski). Hyphy is Go Dumb music. That means that you’re literally supposed to dance like you’re special (and that’s special in the good way). I didn’t see any Thizz faces or crazy dance shit and that’s what I wanna see. You can’t look uncool if you’re dancing like a stroke victim (somehow). Be about it. Go Dumb people. I’ll give you all a chance to redeem yourself at the new night — Welfare Party, a.k.a. Welfare Wednesday, that’s taking place on the last Wednesday of every month at Tokyo Lounge. It will be the best place to be, I guarantee that. (And I lie all the time!)

TOP 5 (9?)

  1. Welfare Party at Tokyo
  2. True Romance (the movie)
  3. Amil Niazi & Flipout?
  4. Iron Chef
  5. Ruffles Sour Cream ‘N Bacon chips
  6. Project Pat
  7. Wu-Tang as a musical genre
  8. Cheese (not American cheese though)
  9. Welfare Wednesdays at Tokyo
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Do Not Feed The Monkey

Feed that monkey

Wouldn’t it suck if you were promised the world but only got Manitoba? How about this — listening to Chinese music doesn’t make you Chinese, so therefore listening to gangsta rap doesn’t make you gangsta. And listening to Jay-Z doesn’t make you L’il Wayne. And if you listen to me then you need a new job. And that new job should pay more than your last job. And if you hate your job then you should quit your job. And if your team sucks you should change your roster. And if your weed sucks you should change your rasta. And how can a place charge 10 bucks for spaghetti and meatballs? What does spaghetti cost? Like 30 cents maybe.

Proof got shot and killed, that sucks. How come none of the whack rappers ever die? Vanilla Ice is alive and well. Kid Rock is a happy man. Insane Clown Posse are chilling. MC 900 Foot Jesus is thinking about learning how to fly an airplane. Maybe it’s just that white people never die. Ever.

I saw the T.I. movie ATL. It was all about roller skating. I loved it, I really, really loved it. But then again, I’m a 13-year-old white girl who will never die. Ever. It’s a kid’s movie, like a Disney movie, and as a kid’s movie it’s good. I went in thinking it was gonna be a southern Juice and left thinking, “Was Tip really roller skating and telling me that drug dealing is bad?” What’s next, a movie staring Young Jeezy as a reverend crusading against gangsta rap and crack dealers?

Here’s my review of DJ Ca$h Money, the world’s greatest DJ: “Plush sucks.”

Especially if there are no rappers on stage or ugly people throwing bottles after a Juelz Santana show. Ca$h Money is the greatest DJ in the world and Plush sucks. There, I said it twice. Remember when we saw Ghostface in Seattle? Now that was a dope venue. The Showbox. Yep. And Ghost killed it. Raekwon and Ice Cube are both coming here this month (separately) and they’re both not playing at Plush and they’re both number one rappers. They’re so good that I’m surprised that they’re still alive. Actually, maybe murder humour isn’t really that funny. I need Ice Cube tickets, but they sold out in three hours. So a guy walks into a bar.

Jaykin won the Grow Op Records & J-Ras presented First Official Vancouver Rap Idol Sound Clash competition the other day. He beat Smox in the finals. It was a close battle that became a judgment call about whether one likes East Coast-sounding soulful rap or West Coast gangsta-sounding fast rap. But it was all-good since no one acted like a bitch. Check for a Jaykin 12” dropping at some point soon.

Do you ever find yourself singing TLC “Waterfalls” while you’re in the shower? Me neither. Also, no one has ever offered me a Quaalude. Do they still make them? The Will I Am guy from the awful group started his career on Ruthless Records. You can hear him on Eazy-E’s “Merry Muthafuckin’ Xmas” if that’s something you want to do.

When did it happen that kids could die when they eat peanuts? I don’t think that used to exist. Check Brian Jungen’s Air Jordan Native masks at the Vancouver Art Gallery. They’re very dope.
Also, my boy Tachichi’s in town, working on a new classic album and he’s playing at MNL East Coast Stomp with Josh Martinez, Cee!!!!!!!!, Fatt Matt, Jay O Smooth, Kaboom, and Ink Operated at the Lamplighter on the 17th. Check it out, it’ll be bigger than Buffy the Body’s big booty. No guns.

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Busta Rhymes is a pussy

Dinco D Sheds Light

Back in the day I used to bump Leaders Of The New School (aka LONS). Together Charlie Brown, Dinco D, Busta Rhymes and Milo were ill – they had dope energy and they put out 2 classic albums. Then Busta went for delf and the rest of LONS faded away. Recently though, I caught up with Dinco and he reveals that loud, screamy guys sometimes develop big egos and leave their friends behind.

ONLY: Why did LONS break up?
Dinco: Well, from my corner, I saw what type of person Busta was. He was a good hype man but lyrically, he needed help when we were putting the first album together. He would have crazy writers block and me and Brown would help him along with some of the songs. I can’t take away the energy he gives in presence, but sometime it goes too far. Like he’s gonna force you to react by jumping or screaming and you can’t even hear what he’s talking about, but it just feels right. He might even have felt a certain way cause I told Brown we should kick him out and then he cried to get back down. … I saw the whole solo thing from the jump, and, sure enough, ego took him to a place where he could do what he planed to do all along.
ONLY: You called Busta a pussy on myspace – can I get you to expand on that?
D: Well, I don’t know what year it was, but he was working on some album and, after many attempts to try and work with the dude, he invited me to listen to his stuff. He threw me some trees to roll like we been cool all the time and I told him that his stuff was good. Then he pops in this song he did for a DJ Clue mixtape and [in it] he called our crew a bunch of bitches and said Brown’s Mom shitted him out. I was like “we bitches”? He laughed and I sat there thinking “this funny dude”.
ONLY: What are the other members of LONS doing these days? Are you guys still cool with each other?
D: Brown is doing some national jingles, making some good money. As for Milo, he just seems to be in Long Island taking care of his children and working on new material.
ONLY: What does [Busta’s hype man/sidekick] Spliff Star do?
D: Well, as you can see he’s not a leader and just does exactly whatever Busta does or tells him to do. They look like 2 great hypemen but that’s my man. Much love and luck on his own adventures but Busta is selfish and doesn’t put his people in a position to do something that might shine as much as him.
ONLY: I’m eagerly anticipating your, ‘the greatest comeback in rap history’ – what’s the plan for that? You have a new album out?
D: My first collection, the Black Pirate King James EP, is the all-original beats and rhymes available on iTunes.com. Search for Dinco. It’s just a small squeeze to fill your thirst until the big rush is on. Also you can check me on myspace, my email is dinco44@yahoo.com.
ONLY: Word, is their anything else you want to mention?
D: I never wanted to intentionally have to break a brother down but, like I named our first album, it’s a “Future Without A Past” coming to life. How crazy is that? And now is the time for my man [Busta] to wear a Leaders Of The New School chain and talk about unity in hip-hop [with his “Touch It (Remix)”. He is the greatest contradictor in the hip-hop game. Peace.
(Last weeks polaroid of Peter Blue by Mark Green. Sorry for the no-cred bro.)

TOP 5 WORDS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT ARE NOT

  1. Kumquats
  2. Regina
  3. Kootenays
  4. Cockatoo
  5. Country

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The Bangmaster Speaks

Peter Blue

An interview with Peter Blue

If you don’t know, well, you might never know. Meet Peter Blue. Peter Blue is one of the more interesting things in Lamecouver. Peter Blue is interested in continuing to disturb people’s mundane realities. Peter Blue’s like God, but he spells his name with more letters.

Only: Yo, why does your phone not work?
Peter Blue: I owe Rogers $160. My Fido works but it’s tapped so I am with Telus again.
Only: I’ve noticed that you’re now called the Bangmaster General of the TAC (Tits&Cunt) repping Newton/Surrey — what’s up with that?
PB: TAC is the true voice of Mercury, incorporating the cross, the full moon, and the crescent moon. TAC is working to rid the world of global oppression through the MACvSOG paradigm. I have achieved the ranking of Bangmaster General in relation to exploits revealing the ‘invisible truth’ which is known to exist but so difficult to eloquate. As a writer I have taken the letters off the trains and put them back on the page for all to revel in. The Black Elvis is a symbol of the changing face of power in the world. I will say it is an honour to be Canada’s youngest General. Bangmaster gives a voice to all those who have family members KIA. Bangmaster is the embodiment of unexpressed rage that flows quietly beneath the culture.
Only: What sort of things are you trying to do with film?
PB: [My movie] Canadian Graffiti is going to illustrate parallels in custom culture. It will expose the hands of doom that are behind all the illegal activities in our community and why we love them. One mural can destroy the world’s perception of itself. I will be unearthing the REVS’ ‘Freedom Wall’ out in Hackensack, NJ. It is a wrecking ball against your freedoms. Mainly, the movie is an outlet for the insanity of NHRA Racing. I started the Graffiti War on my radio show ‘State of the Art’ in 2002 because I thought writers would need to defend themselves against the destruction of our culture. There have been casualties and that is troublesome. RIP AVERS. The hardcore of the elite artists are armoring their letters to combat continued hostility. The arrow is a deadly weapon and it has been put to good use over the years to obliterate softer forms of expression. That is the Hard Reality. Get out there, make a mess, and reclaim your identity. That is the mission, that is what Bangmaster promotes. It is about the action, man! Usually I contract to the pros to get my work done. ACROW, SNSR, MERC — these are the people who have helped me execute my goals and free my expression. I just hit a large cargo container I felt had an unsavory sentiment on it. It feels good to work with a team and take control of your reality. Not in my backyard.
Only: When is your porn career going to jump-off?
PB: A lot of my relatives have had success in the industry and my family has always encouraged me to drop it on them. Of course one’s first impulse is to get in front of the camera. I am looking to revitalize the system with a new perspective as a producer. I have a desire to go back to the female lead as the focus. In my offerings the ladies will run the show and it will be a dynamic female duo taking advantage of the useful but second-rate man, who is only present to be de-humanized thus retaining the women’s dignity and rightful place in the world. I guess you could call it an art film and this is my artist’s statement. I have three scripts written and am waiting for the dot.XXX boom that is on the horizon. It is now a matter of finding the right talent and then I will take it over the top. For the record I would just like to say I did fuck Roller-girl.

DR. PETER BLUES TOP 5 STUFF

  1. Kwest [BSM] greatest writer in Canadian history
  2. Kuma Hi-tops
  3. Sandy Westgate.com
  4. Brown rice sushi (the Japanese laugh)
  5. Sardines
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The Phonograff

Plus Hitler

If anti-Semitism is funny, then Hitler had the best joke ever. Really. If it was funny, then he’s basically a comedic genius like Richard Pryor. But seriously. Only Built 4 Cuban Linx is a modern day classic, it’s the new Shakespeare. It needs to be added to the school curriculum and translated into every foreign language, starting with English. Also, the Ghostface Fishscale album that’s out now is so insane I can’t believe that it’s a real Def Jam release. Congratulations go out to Louven’s, ‘cause he got out of jail. The one we know as the Phonograff is set to drop his debut album this week. It’s called “From The Bottom Up.” It’s all produced by him and features vocals by Moka Only, Kia Kadiri, Luckyiam.PSC (of Living Legends), JC Subliminal, Ty-C, Edge 1 (of Usual Suspecs), NWNB, Just B, Demoe One, and the Incredible Ease, among others. Plus Phono scratches the shit out of records like he’s known to do. His release party is this Monday, March 6th at the Lamplighter and the show will feature him plus many of the artists on his record. Here’s what he has to say:

Only: What does this album signify for you and how does it represent your beliefs?
Phonograff: My album signifies music without boundaries. I mean, not being afraid to take things to another level and always trying to be original. As far as my beliefs go, this album is my interpretation of life.
O: So, have you ever had the hamburger at Save-On-Meats?
P: Damn! I ate one time a few years back, that shit is huge! Heartattack in a bun. I’m feeling sick just thinking about it. That shit is so big you have to take two of the patties off just to make it close to a normal size burger.
O: Can you describe your sound?
P: I’m taking it back to that ‘93 era with a new twist on thangs. It’s hip-hop with electronic, latin, reggae dub, and that fat ass bass. Not to mention some of the dopest MCs and vocalists from Vancouver and beyond.
O: Where’s the bottom?
P: The bottom is where we’re from and where we used to sit. There’s nowhere else to go but up.
O: Is that anywhere near Prime Time Chicken?
P: Two blocks east and one block north. That’s my ‘hood.
O: Whose phone number is 281-330-8004?
P: Who? [Phono’s real name is Mike Jones] I had to cancel that number ‘cause my phone bill was gettin too damn high!
O: What’s Equilibrium records?
P: Equilibrium is bringing back that feeling you got when you first heard about hip-hop. Demoe One and I are 50/50 partners in Equilibrium Records. We are trying to build a label that will consistently put out good music regardless of genre, but with a heavy emphasis on our hip hop roots.
O: Phonograff with two effs—why do kids write their name on things?
P: Why do dogs piss on every telephone pole? To mark their territory, kid!
O: You got anything you wanna add?
P: Big up to the people hustlin’ and grinding, to all the good hip-hop nights still poppin’. Thanks to Futility Records for hosting events that get peeps on the creative tip [Phono won the beat battle they hosted]. Shoutouts to my crew, the BSM, and all my fam and close friends—you know who you are. Go online and cop my debut album from www.equilibrium-records.com.

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Now that’s what’s up!

Mr. Rumble

What Fe Go Gwan Inna Vancouve Scene, Seen!

So, um, everyone seems to be dying too soon these days. Maybe it’s been going on since Jesus and I just never noticed it. But these days, starting with the god himself, Ol Dirty Bastard and up to my friends Alexis Mazurin and Lee Matasi, I’ve had to write monthly obituaries in this column. Whack. This month, Detroit producer, Jay Dilla (Pharacyde, Tribe, Jaylib, Slum Village, Common, etc) passed away from kidney failure. Though I was never a huge Jay Dee fan, I do actually think that his new instrumental album on Stones Throw, ‘Donuts’, is dope, so cop it. RIP.

Music. The new shit I’m feeling is the Three 6 Mafia ‘Poppin’ My Collar’ (Remix), featuring my favorite rapper Project Pat. Check his pancake flow. It’s new, it’s perfected, and it’s an almost dangerous level of retardedness. Project Peazley and fellow mafiaite, Crunchy Blak are the most lethal one/two combination in rap today, according to me, and you will literally be stupider after you listen to enough of them, just like me. Me likey. I also like the look of Beyonce’s new video, Check On It, featuring Slim Thug and your boy Bun B. Taste it. Touch it.

New rap nights. DJ Cherchez and DJ Relly Rels got a new rap night, What’s Good Saturdays at the Met. Also, Kut Corners is doing Members Only Sundays at Lucy Mae Browns. Me and Moves used to DJ Freestyle Fridays at Barcode but it started to get real violent, we stopped, and now the venue is shut down. We had nothing to do with it really doe. Manik and Os 12 are having a douple mixtape release party for ‘Chug Life’ and ‘Red Sabbath’, respectively, at the Media Club on Febuary 21st. Bluntmatic, the team-up from Webmatic (rapper, Usual Suspects) and Bluntologist (producer), have a new album dropping and a show at Monday Night Live at the Lamplighter on February 20th. Also on March 3rd, at The Piccadilly Pub, Emotionz is hosting an album release party and freestyle battle in celebration of his new Rent Money CD. There’s gonna be $1000- in cash and prizes to be won so hit emotionz4w@hotmail.com to register for the battle.

News. J-Ras’ Grow Op Records has recently signed on to distribute Cyssero’s new mixtape and album. The Philly bred Cyssero is the latest signee to The Game’s, Black Wall Street label. You can get the mixtape at East Side Urban Wear in the mall or Dipt and Beatstreet downtown. Speaking of Beatstreet, Rico Uno’s bringing in the Hyphie mixtapes, so check for them What’s Hyphie, son? Hyphie is the new Bay Area sound being championed by E-40 and Keak The Sneak, and it’s all about going dumb, even if you’re a Hebrew.

Needle Kineval’s got a new radio show, Gum & Nuts, every Monday, 2 til 4, on CJSF 90.1 FM. The Too Short show was supposedly awesome but I wouldn’t know I couldn’t get in.

Upcoming shows include Mike Realm, No Luck Club and Skratch Bastid – February 25th at Richards and Little Brother, Defari, Dilated Peopled and, again, Skratch Bastid – February 27th at the Commodore. Then get ready for Sizzla, Juelz Santana, the Alkaholiks, Warren G and the fake POS Rhyme Sayers, cause they’re all playing here in March. Stay Fly.

MR. RUMBLE TOP 5 JAY DILLA PRODUCTIONS

1. Slum Village – Fantastic Vol. 2 LP
2. Jay Dee – Welcome To Detroit LP
3. Pharcyde – Runnin’
4. Common – The Light
5. Frank N Dank – Love is a Thing of the Past

Vancouver DJ/Producer Mr Rumble will be airing a 30 minute Jay Dilla tribute mix on “Straight Goods” hosted by J Swing and Flipout on the Beat, Febuary 17, 2005

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Jeff Spec

Jeff Spec

h3, Rythm, blues, and cheeseburgers

So I voted for the first time ever. They made me use a pencil so that they could change my vote later. Voting sorta made me feel dead like a zombie who does things just cause it has no brains and likes to eat the brains of the living. The last time I voted was for my high school president and I voted for Josh Martinez. He won and I got to pitch quarters, play video games and smoke in his office in the basement. My roommate Birdapres just moved to Winterpeg to be cold and to dig for records. Bye Bird. Dennis White, the guy who shot and killed my friend Lee Matasi is out on bail and won’t be tried til maybe 2008. That’s fucked up. Lee didn’t get an extra year for his fate to be decided, and also, we just let people who kill people walk around like it’s all good? Really? Well, that’s not good.

New subject – Jeff Spec is back. He’s recently returned from a brief tour of duty in Toronto (which is like Iraq but colder, with way more Jamaicans and hotdogs). Him and his crew, the City Planners (Moka Only, Ishkan, Sichuan, and Sweet G) are sorta like older school Vancouver rap heads now (I guess, I just moved here like a week ago, so I don’t know so good). Anyway, he just dropped a new album called “Rhythm and Blues” so I asked him some stuff about things and he told me answers. Go.

Only: Who’s Jeff Spec?
Jeff: People tell me I sound like one of these thugged out New York dudes, but with some different content. I make real soulful music with an edge.
Only: Tell me about your new album.
Jeff: This is some ghetto shit for the average broke person. I’m not trying to be on some bang bang murder shit, I’m just talking about real life and the situations I’ve encountered. If you like honest music, this is the album for you. Plus, it’s like my autobiography. I feel like I’ve been nice with the raps in the past, and I’ve connected with some people through my music, but I never really opened up like I am on this one. Plus I’m on some positive shit. Violence is at an all time high right now, and not enough people are approaching things like it needs to change – my attitude is like, if you were really ghetto you’d be trying to make things better.
Only: You got any like, ghetto, poverty survival tips for me?
Jeff: Learn how to cook something into nothing, and check everywhere – fridge, stove, floor, everywhere – for ingredients. My main tip to survival tip is – don’t die.
Only: What are your plans for this Chinese year of the dog?
Jeff: More music and less work. Catch me on tour all year. I’mma try to make everyone around me a little happier. I’m grindin’ so everyone important to me can be more comfortable
Only: I like cheeseburgers; I had one for breakfast today. Do you like burgers Jeff Spec? Where’s the best burger in Vancouver?
Jeff: I like Cactus Club burgers, with cheddar and ‘shrooms doggy, they just hook it up right with the nice beef. I’ll mess with the Milestone’s four cheese joint too. It’s crazy, with the roasted garlic. I’m not underground with my burgers – just whoever got em, got em. That’s my word.

JEFF’S TOP 5 JEFFS

1. Jeff Foxworthy (he sucks, but I couldn1t think of any more Jeff1s)
2. Jeff Herrera (that1s my homie, he1s pretty cool)
3. Big Jeff (don1t even know him, but he1s Grand Puba1s friend)
4. Jeff Turney (B-Boy Drama One, from Victoria, he1s mad ignant)
5. DJ Jazzy Jeff (first cool Jeff ever)
And an honorary mention to me, cause my self esteem is pretty solid these days.

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Drunkness Monster

Drunkness monster

Canada’s reality-show Prime Minister

Canada’s own Drunkness Monster wants to be prime minister. The Halifax hip hop DJ (and former member of pop group Len) now goes by his birth name Mark McKay and started an internet show called ‘Happy Hour’ (videodrome.tv) that is a drunken assault on the senses. The show mixes fast cuts and television clips with live hip hop and explosive diatribes on Canadian politics and entertainment. Only talked with McKay moments after the Conservative party sewed up a strangely sober minority government.

Only: So you want to be prime minister?
MM: One day. I got this overall plan of running. My first step was this reality show put on by [multi-millionaire] Frank Stronach, [Liberal MP] Belinda’s father. I entered the contest and made the top 10 only to find out I got knocked out in semi finals. I don’t think they liked my answers to the questions too much. They asked me to identify with a political leader and I told them ‘Malcolm X and Martin Luther King.’ But they told me I had the best video they saw of all the contestants. So I really don’t understand how I’m not allowed to be part of the show.
Only: I guess it’s a good introduction to politics. The best candidates usually don’t win.
MM: I’ve been saying that for years since I ran for high school president and the teachers demanded a recall.
Only: But are you really thinking of getting into politics? You seem to have a lot of policies worked out.
MM: I’ve got a total plan for it. It’s based on the Ronald Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger approach. I plan to get my late night talk show off the ground and broadcast into the homes of millions of Canadians for the next 10 years. Let them know a little bit about who I am and bring myself into their life so when I go to run for prime minister they’ll know what I stand for.
Only: Who do you think will be your main competition in 10 years? You’ve said Ben Mulroney might have the same plan.
MM: (laughing) I thought about that. I’m a bit worried about [Mulroney] and Justin Trudeau. I guess it depends on how good of a campaign I run. I can take some pointers from Stephen Harper and smile a lot and keep my mouth shut.
Only: Where the hell did all the fast cuts and crazy clips in your show come from? It’s some kind of A.D.D. madness.
MM: The idea came from scratching. I’m a hip hop DJ, formally known as the Drunkness Monster. I’m putting in a little bit of flare to jazz it up. That and from watching a lot of Max Headroom as a kid. It’s all about pacing. As a DJ you know how long a song can play before people start to get bored with it or disinterested. Our attention spans are frivoling away to nothing, so we really got to keep the people listening and paying attention because I’m trying to pack in so much information.
Only: Where does the show go from here?
MM: I’m willing to take my time with it so long as I don’t starve to death because on the internet I can really get away with murder. I can say what I want, do what I want, use what I want and no one is coming after me. Hopefully, give it another year and it will be on TV.

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RIP Lee ‘Avers’ Matasi

Lee Matasi by Rhek

1981 – 2005

This sucks. My friend, and a friend to the Vancouver graffiti and skateboarding community, Lee Matasi aka Avers was senselessly murdered earlier this month. He was an immensely cheerful and positive person, and so passionate about art and skateboarding. He always had a goofy smile on his face and he laughed a lot. Condolences go out to his family, his sister, his girlfriend and all of you affected by his untimely passing. Fuck guns and the cowards who use them. Stop bringing guns to clubs. Stop killing people. It ain’t right. I’m not trying to depress anyone or ruin the holiday season, but things can end so suddenly and we forget how precious our time is.

Legendary Graffiti artist, Take 5 had this to say about Lee:
“I think we are meant to learn something from this tragic event. We lost one of our best friends. What does this mean in the grand scheme of things? Surely it is meant to signify something more than a lesson in loss and grief, for what is loss and grief if we can not transcend it? What kind of understanding can we come to through this hardship and suffering? The loss of an amazing person such as Lee leaves us with that reoccurring question “Why Lee?” Death may come to whomever it pleases, whenever it pleases, seeming random or chaotic, unjust, and arbitrary, however it is the experience of reflecting about the loss of life that gives death its meaning in our lives, which makes us wonder what life is about. If life can be taken away at any moment, we might want to think of how we could enrich every single moment with a deeper understanding of its delicacy. I think Lee will be a reminder to people to let go of what prevents us from flourishing into what we are truly meant to become. (Lee had no problem there, as he loved to paint, and that’s what he did so well, along with many other things). Let us look back on Lee’s life and his wonderful accomplishments, and hope to make our lives as rich as his, together in love and light…”

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