Thursday, February 22, 2018

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Because we have been waiting for you for a decade

A Week Without jPod is a Good Week

Sorry Mum and Dad, jPod has been preempted this week to bring you the 2008 World Figure Skating Championships live from Sweden. John Cow returns next week to document neither the greatest or worst show in Canadian television history and romance Mr. Coupland. Poor Doug…

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jPod Watch: Episode Ten

Uncle jPod Gets Diagnosed With Cancel

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Happy St. Patrick's Day

Ireland today is so self-confident in its 2008 Eurovision Song Contest entry that the whole thing is being performed by a turkey. Furthermore, as Eurovision now ignites more national pride in the countries involved than the Olympics, if Dustin the Turkey wins he will also be the world’s greatest athlete. And you should see him dance!

The Ireland of the classic novel The Poor Mouth is long gong, swallyed up be the Celtic Tiger, and except for a few nostalgic old men blinking through their Guinness, it’s unlikely many mourn its passing. The Emerald Isle has become cosmopolitan, an international brand name for itself, and the overwhelming proof is St. Patrick’s Day/Week/Month. Suddenly everybody declares themselves Irish, digs some greenery out of the closet and gets drunk. It’s a sweet if slightly backhanded compliment, a slap in the face with a pretty bouquet of posies and shamrocks, but when folk think Ireland they think only booze and music. If only there was more music going on.

You can spend a week in Cork looking for traditional Irish music­– everywhere it’s C/W, O’Hip Hop, and both kinds of rock, Yacht and Scandinavian Metal. The nearest I found to “traditional” melodies was in a pub in Yawl advertising “old fashioned Laments”. A man made of straw and whiskey met me at the door, asked my name, and in a shaky scrawl autographed a photocopied picture of himself and Gregory Peck during the 1957 filming of Moby Dick. Jimmy then asked if I’d care to buy him a pint. I bought him two, so he signed another 8X10. The Lamenting started, essentially a swaying dirge of naming every decent person dead since the potato was invented, and I fled back to Cork for an evening of Garth Brooks impersonators and square dancing.

It’s more insulting to expect a country’s music remain a quaint relic for tourists. There are brilliant bands coming out Ireland, occasionally engaging in the lilting and whirling rhythms of their history but finding new ways to bang it out. Punks with penny whistles. More in keeping with the spirit of Dustin the Turkey, however, here’s Only suggestion for Ireland’s Eurovision 2008 submission. You can’t see their feet, but trust us, they are giving Michael Flatley hot flashes of green envy.

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jPod Watch: Episode Nine

Authentic Crackhead 2

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jPod Watch: Episode Eight

Friday is the Right Day.

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jPod Watch: Episode Seven

Armpit Beats Fingertips, Worst, One Out of Seven.

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jPod Watch: Episode Six

Gotta Keep The Midget Down In The Hole .

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Our server is automatically blocking comments on the previous post about our brand extension. Bad words apparently. If you have a comment about Onlyams, post it here.

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Only Magazine Extends Brand, Introduces New Porn Site

We at Only Magazine have decided to extend our brand in the hopes of appealing to a more mature and adult audience. That’s why, just in time for St. Valentine’s Day, we are very proud to present OnlyAms, our new amateur porno website. It’s not just someone using our logo either. We really did start a porno site, so don’t send us any mail asking if we really did this or not. In fact, we’ve been considering this venture for some time now for a multitude of reasons. To begin with, it makes money. The sad fact is that amateur girls taking their clothes off in a tasteful manner generates an enormous amount of revenue. This extra cash will help to keep us in the lifestyle that we’ve come accustomed to, which is living all together in a building in downtown Vancouver amongst a plethora of large, flat-screen televisions. Secondly, being part of Only Magazine affords us a certain amount of local celebrity status, and we’re constantly inundated with requests for sexual favors and often receive amateur porn in the mail from our fans. Now we finally have something to do with it all! Lastly, hell it’s just so fun. Who doesn’t like to look at naked people in the privacy of their own home? All models are at least 18. Have fun! Sincerely, your friends at Only Magazine.

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Bravo, 24 Hours. Bravo.