VANCOUVER

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

° » 5 day

Because we have been waiting for you for a decade

A Dozen Things

Espace Sonique
The latest generation of iPod features the ability to “read a crowd,” thus making DJ’s irrelevant. Striking back, and desperate to make a buck in an oversaturated marketplace, the purveyors of the ones and twos are literally Dee-Jaying wherever, like boutiques, cafes and funerals. Don’t be suprised if you see some dude in an argyle sweater leaning over the decks slurring requests next time you’re out for Pho.
SoMa 2528 Main St. – Wednesday’s

Record & CD Swapmeet
Q: How many record collectors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Dude, you don’t know? I’ve got the original pressing on vinyl.
Croation Cultural Center – April 9th 11-5

ATL
Theaters across Atlanta are beefing up security for the opening weekend of ATL, anticipating large crowds of young black men to be in attendance (‘cause it’s about rap and stuff). In an effort to not come across as “racist,” they will also be performing full cavity searches of every tenth ticket-holder of Basic Instinct 2.
In theaters now

CHRIS VON SZOMBATHY
This ulti-disciplined musician and artist is releasing three new full albums, titled Audio Ahdeo Awdio, and is showcasing some of his newest paintings and sculptures. Artists tend to take themselves waaaay too seriously, so we’re just gonna pat this guy on the back for being able to make lots of stuff.
269 Powell Street – Saturday April 8th

MINDFREAK
You know that the world of magic is going through a rough patch when this goth jock with a lisp gets voted magician of the year by The Academy of Magical Arts. Hey Academy, this is the guy who used to give you wedgies in the cafeteria, and now he waxes his ass crack. Does he even know the history of magic?
Wednesdays at 10 on A&E

CURE FOR FEAR IS FEAR
Arachnophobes, cast off thine enemies’ legs and be free! Dr. Dominique de Quervain of the University of Zurich has discovered injections of cortisol, the body’s natural stress hormone, can help cure irrational fears and phobias. Which is something like saying drinking gasoline helps cure spontaneous combustion, but never mind. Studies suggest the treatment will work for all phobics, except Aichophobics, who are afraid of needles.

THE DA VINCI CODE
After years at number one in bestsellers list around the world, the Da Vinci Code is finally out in paperback. Having sold forty million hardcover copies at $40 a pop, author Dan Brown, likely getting a one-third cut, has reaped possibly $500,000,000.00. In theory the paperback will sell maybe 200 million, making Brown another full billion

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A Dozen Things

Nightwatch
Why is everyone afraid to say this movie is completely unwatchable? Okay so the subtitles were amazing. Characters bled words and wiped away sentences with their arms, but honestly, what the hell was going on? Where was Moscow? What the fuck is wrong with Russia?
Now playing at The Paramount

Waiting For Godot
Samuel Beckett wrote in his will that every word of Waiting For Godot — about two Irishmen waiting — must always be performed as he wrote it, or ravenous lawyers would ascend from hell and devour the heretic producers responsible. The Arts Club is putting this performance on. Let’s hope they fuck it up.
March 23—April 23, tickets: 604 687 1644

Blonde Lobster
French and American scientists have discovered a new species of blind, albino lobster covered with luxurious blond hair off the coast of Easter Island. Expect The Keg to start selling lobster thermidor with complimentary My Little Crusty bibs and plastic combs so you make your dinner pretty.

Guitar Hero
This is basically guitar karaoke for your PS2. You battle it out on little plastic guitars with five coloured keys. Too rad. The best way to play is to make it local Guitar Hero. Choose your favourite local guitar god — most likely Steve McBean or Johnny Olsen — and you try to imitate them. But if some dude in khakis shows up wanting to be Carl Newman, it’s cool, ‘cause you know he’s not gonna drink all your beer.

Lazy Susan
Sex with corpses. You love it, though you squirm. Squirm with joy. Joy-squirm. Created in just 48 hours a year and a half ago, fleshed out for last year’s Fringe, and playing every night for the brand new Here Be Monsters Festival, this show is steadily moving from must-see theatre to Event In One’s Life. Easily the best absurdist theatre to ever come out of Canada.
At Performance Works until March 17, 604 257 0366

Sisters Of Mercy
I used to live with this weird older guy who had all these pre-alternative records from back when he was my age, like Big Black and The Smiths, and all of the Sisters’ records too. I listened to them all once, and was pretty unimpressed. But then this other older guy I know played me “This Corrosion” once, and now I’m actually considering going to this show.
March 26—Commodore

Teen Angst Poetry
On paper this sounds pretty genius: preciousness, relationships, authenticity, and experimenation as retold from actual diaries from the 80’s and 90’s. But then you realize that they’re just tricking you into listening to poetry, and we’ll get behind the war in Irag before we say anything positive about an event that advertises an “open mic.”
March 31—The Annex, 307 W. Cordova

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A Dozen Things

Dave Chappelle’s Block Party
Aside from Dead Prez and Dave himself, we’d probably talk shit about everyone that appears in this film. Especially Wyclef. But somehow this movie pulls off something that hasn’t been seen in forever: a positive, funny, de-thugged portrait of black people in America. This is much needed.
(In theatres on March 3)

Four Ways Of Destruction
Blim and NTSC present IRON MAIDEN LIVE!!!!! ...or Iron
(March 13—Afro Canadian Club)

Outlet
In every other city in the world, a regular night like this already exists. Laptops. Turntables. Downtempo. White dudes. Interesting shit. You know the drill.
(Every Other Sunday­—Alibi Room)

Intervention
Is it tactless to say that you’re addicted to a show about addiction? Is it kinda like walking down Hastings and complaining about being way too addicted to chocolate-covered pretzels? Except not, since it’s a TV show. But it is the best reality TV of all time. Sorry Tyra.
(New episodes start March 12 at 11:00 on A&E)

The Sunday Service
Because Only is not fond of anything described as “alternative,“ “improv,“ “vegan,“ “by donation,“ or “comedy,” we suggest avoiding stuff like this.
(Sundays—The Wink Cafe)

The Fall Collection
I was at a party this summer, and this pale dude dressed in black with a dangly earring and black hair was doing a bit of rock star posing on the porch. Turns out he played in a band. “What band?” I queried. “Ze Fall Collection,” he replied. Then he spun around and I caught a glimpse of his thong.
(March 7 w/ Kiss Me Dead & Hot Loins—Pat’s)

Chicken Teeth
Scientists have discovered a mutant chicken with teeth. Actually, all chickens have teeth– crocodile teeth. The teeth are reabsorbed by the beak prior to hatching. Back in the seventies they grafted mouse gums on to a hen and grew molars on it. That’s considered unethical now. These days they just want to regrow teeth in the smashed faces of football players. Later, they’ll develop football players who can lay pigskin eggs. Try to get season tickets then.

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A Dozen Things


Foundation Lounge

The veggie restauranteurs on Main Street are good people. When they found out an employee had Hep – A, they didn’t try and hide the fact, they immediately informed everyone through the media and put a sign right on the front door. Nobody got sick, but people are still avoiding the place when they should be taking advantage of the fact there are, for once, no line-ups. Who do you want on Main St — Red Robin or Foundation? It’s your choice.

2301 Main St. 604-708-0881

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Huster White/Business Lady - Putting Out A Record 7"

Hustler White/Business Lady

This is the kind of autistic noise record that I’d play for that kid in elementary school band class that always kept her coat on while puffing, red-faced on some embarrassing wind instrument.

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