Friday, March 23, 2018

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Because we have been waiting for you for a decade

Gone ’til September

Freedom Summer One thing differentiates Only from other magazines. It’s not our commitment to international monetary policy nor our award-winning woodcuts. No, what really makes Only the envy of the media elite is our tradition of taking the summer off. Here’s what we’re doing for the next few months while you’re still working for the man.

Adam: I once had this infection in my leg. I never really got it checked out. But now my girlfriend’s got a sweet health plan that it is inclusive of me. I’m going to do that, so I can wear shorts confidently. I hope it hasn’t spread to the bone.
Alan: My sister is getting married in June in Toronto and I am performing the ceremony. My ministry is long dead but she’s renting me a Monsignor’s costume and some rollerskates, and I’m going to make the congregation play the wedding march on kazoos and plastics lips — MC Cardinal Sin reporting for du-tay. For the newlywed’s first dance I’m learning “99 Luft Balloons” on my ukulele. A magical summer.
Amil: I’m getting rid of all of my stuff, abandoning all pre-existing relationships and waiting for the final countdown.
Cameron: I have been so ridiculously busy this last year. I’m sorry to anyone that I hurt, ignored, or snubbed since I became a big deal. This summer I will begin prepping myself for a narcissist overload while writing and recording my band’s first album that will result in me being on the cover of greater magazines than this.
Chuck: I am getting paid to go to Las Vegas for the summer to cover the World Series of Poker. While there, I plan on trying to turn around some of the bad karma I’ve inevitably accumulated during this season of Only. I also plan on becoming a bit less of a douche.
Curtis: I just got a car, pendejo — I AM OUTTA HERE!
Darren: I’m just gonna ride the rails, round and round and round.
David: Sea sex and sun! Oooohhh. L’été.
Martin: I just graduated from art school so I’m pretty much set now. Gonna get a haircut, some grants, and a car.
Mayana: I will spend my summer sipping drinks by the pool and bronzing myself. And by “drinks,” I mean the crude oil my parents call “coffee.” And by “the pool,” I mean a room in their basement. And by “bronzing myself,” I mean drawing anarchy signs on my Black Spots.
Naomi: I’ll be working all summer in an office cave, all pasty white, massaging the blood clot out of my thigh, drinking a bottle of wine every night.
Sarah A: I’m quitting smoking in July in preparation for my soon-to-be launched synchronised swim routine to be launched in August, which is totally there except for the breathing under water part.
Sarah C: I will be editing the Cat section of Rap Cat Magazine, which is about cats and rap, but not cats who rap, or are into rap or dress like rappers. I’m not really into rap, and neither are cats. But I am into cats and will therefore take this fine opportunity to write about them in a magazine that is otherwise about rap.
Sean E: I’ll be sippin’ Mai Tais and ignoring cool jazz from my cabana at the W Hotel in Bel Air.

We return on September 1 at the Only Magazine Victory Square Party at Victory Square [natch].

  1. Gölök ZLF Buday

    I don’t know how you do it, I pull all nighters and can’t quit, trying to make just a scrape bye buck after tipping dancers in my degenerate lifestyle.

    Regards and Hope You Liked The Coffee,

    [ Gölök Zoltán Leenderdt Franco Buday]

    - May 30, 02:37 PM

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