VANCOUVER

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

° » 5 day

Because we have been waiting for you for a decade

How could you?

Obeying the law means having to say you’re sorry

We apologise if you’ve already heard this. Lorne Mayencourt, the cruel MLA from the West End, introduced a bill called the Apology Act to the legislature and it passed into law! Sorry — we shouldn’t use exclamation points. The Apology Act allows anyone — people, companies, governments — to apologise without said apology being used in court as proof that you are liable. Was that clear? Sorry. We should have re-written that. As an apology to Mayencourt, The Only wants to be the very first to use the new apology law. We’re sorry for butting in front of the queue.

Cameron: I’m sorry for so obviously adopting the personality and style of Mark-Paul Gosselaar during the late nineties. Even after the restraining order, I couldn’t admit that it was “Preppy,” not just hightops and high hair.
Darren: MySpace is owned by Rupert Murdoch, a plutocrat who has devoted his life to transforming the media into an unquestioning orgy of celebrity and furthering the conservative agenda. I’m sorry you don’t give a rat’s ass.
Amil: I’m sorry for not telling you about that rash. I knew about it for weeks. But at least it’s not AIDS right?
Alan: I apologise, back when I still held my mail-order ministry, that I legally married Jim, who was blind drunk, and Janice, who was stoned out of her tree, then told them three weeks later. They’d never met before divorce court. Also, around the same time, while wearing my priest outfit, I let some little old lady insist I take her seat on the bus. Also, when I went to buy some wood at the lumberyard. The man gave me sixty feet of pine for free, waving off my money, saying “Please, Father, I’m sure you and the children will make something beautiful out if it.” And I said, “Thank you my son,” and ran.
Naomi: I’m sorry I ever went to Balthazar.
Martin: To everyone whose name I’ve ever forgotten, I’m sorry. I’m just too important and busy to remember.
Amil: I’m sorry I let you buy me all those drinks knowing full well I was never going to let you breathe near me, let alone that other thing. You know that was never going to happen right?
Alan: What? Another apology? Christ, you people think I’m made out of guilt? Okay, uh, I’m sorry I breathed near you that night, I was suffering from 24 hour asthma, but you did drink all my drinks I had lined up like they were for you or something, so I think I wasn’t totally out of line…
Mayana: I’m sorry you didn’t get that reference I made on my blog the other day.
Chuck: When I was three I went to the pet store with my Mom and chose my first cat. She was all black, and I named her Lovey since I loved her so much. Seventeen years later we decided to put her to sleep since she went deaf and was losing teeth and hair and really sad things like that. I wish she was still alive, and I’m sorry that she’s not.
Sarah C: I’m really and truly sorry that Chuck Ansbacher is such a total fucking dick.

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