How could you?
Obeying the law means having to say youâ€™re sorry
We apologise if youâ€™ve already heard this. Lorne Mayencourt, the cruel MLA from the West End, introduced a bill called the Apology Act to the legislature and it passed into law! Sorry â€” we shouldnâ€™t use exclamation points. The Apology Act allows anyone â€” people, companies, governments â€” to apologise without said apology being used in court as proof that you are liable. Was that clear? Sorry. We should have re-written that. As an apology to Mayencourt, The Only wants to be the very first to use the new apology law. Weâ€™re sorry for butting in front of the queue.
Cameron: Iâ€™m sorry for so obviously adopting the personality and style of Mark-Paul Gosselaar during the late nineties. Even after the restraining order, I couldnâ€™t admit that it was â€œPreppy,â€ not just hightops and high hair.
Darren: MySpace is owned by Rupert Murdoch, a plutocrat who has devoted his life to transforming the media into an unquestioning orgy of celebrity and furthering the conservative agenda. Iâ€™m sorry you donâ€™t give a ratâ€™s ass.
Amil: Iâ€™m sorry for not telling you about that rash. I knew about it for weeks. But at least itâ€™s not AIDS right?
Alan: I apologise, back when I still held my mail-order ministry, that I legally married Jim, who was blind drunk, and Janice, who was stoned out of her tree, then told them three weeks later. Theyâ€™d never met before divorce court. Also, around the same time, while wearing my priest outfit, I let some little old lady insist I take her seat on the bus. Also, when I went to buy some wood at the lumberyard. The man gave me sixty feet of pine for free, waving off my money, saying â€œPlease, Father, Iâ€™m sure you and the children will make something beautiful out if it.â€ And I said, â€œThank you my son,â€ and ran.
Naomi: Iâ€™m sorry I ever went to Balthazar.
Martin: To everyone whose name Iâ€™ve ever forgotten, Iâ€™m sorry. Iâ€™m just too important and busy to remember.
Amil: Iâ€™m sorry I let you buy me all those drinks knowing full well I was never going to let you breathe near me, let alone that other thing. You know that was never going to happen right?
Alan: What? Another apology? Christ, you people think Iâ€™m made out of guilt? Okay, uh, Iâ€™m sorry I breathed near you that night, I was suffering from 24 hour asthma, but you did drink all my drinks I had lined up like they were for you or something, so I think I wasnâ€™t totally out of lineâ€¦
Mayana: Iâ€™m sorry you didnâ€™t get that reference I made on my blog the other day.
Chuck: When I was three I went to the pet store with my Mom and chose my first cat. She was all black, and I named her Lovey since I loved her so much. Seventeen years later we decided to put her to sleep since she went deaf and was losing teeth and hair and really sad things like that. I wish she was still alive, and Iâ€™m sorry that sheâ€™s not.
Sarah C: Iâ€™m really and truly sorry that Chuck Ansbacher is such a total fucking dick.