Tuesday, March 19, 2019

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Because we have been waiting for you for a decade

50 Fun Things About Slobodan Milosevic

Slobodan Milosevic

1. In 1989, Milosevic became president of Serbia. Serbia shares borders with eight countries (Hungary, Romania, Bulgaria, the Republic of Macedonia, Croatia, and Bosnia-Herzegovina) making it the only octagonal country in the world, and Milosevic the first world leader of a Dungeons and Dragons die.
2. After a constitutional rule prevented him from being president of Serbia for more than two terms, he became president of Yugoslavia, previously a ceremonial position.
3. The hairstyles of all murderous tyrants had been leading up to Milosevic’s. Like the foamy crest of the Dead Sea breaking upon a mound of polished spam, it was a coif to inspire terror and despair. Now that he’s gone, all eyes are on North Korea.
4. In 1990 elections, Slob’s Socialist Party won 80.5% of the vote. Mind you, he did control most of the media and the election apparatus, and the ethnic Albanian population removed any opposition by boycotting the election. However, Slob’s own popularity in the presidential vote was even higher. He was loved. This was largely due to his famous seven-layer dip.
5. Even before Bosnia and Herzegovina were declared independent nations, they were attacked by Milosevic-led Bosnian Serbia. Hundreds of thousands of non-Serbs, mostly Muslims, were massacred. The infamous events at Srebenica occurred during this wholesale slaughter in which nearly three quarters of the country was forcibly “reclaimed” by Serbia.
6. His father killed himself in 1962.
7. His mother killed herself in 1974.
8. Slobodan had a beautiful singing voice. As a choirboy he would warble “Ave Maria” and “Jesu Rex Admirabilis”, then bite the ear off the boy next to him.
9. After an autopsy on Milosevic’s corpse, toxicologist Donald Uges of Groningen University claimed that he found traces of rifampicin in Milosevic’s blood. The drug is used to treat leprosy and tuberculosis, and renders other medicines ineffective. He believes Milosevic took the drug in order to maintain poor health, rather than induce his own death, in hope of being allowed to visit Moscow for treatment.
10. Seven of the top ten despots of all time were 5’6” or shorter. Slobodan was number 11. Too tall, y’see. Napoleon, Hitler, Genghis Khan, none had hair to touch Slobo, though.
11. During his trial Milosevic refused a lawyer, despite suggestions that his health could not stand up to the rigor of acting as his own counsel. He also refused psychiatric analysis that would judge whether he was fit to continue. A man who acts as his own council has a fool for a client, but a man who does his own psychiatric analysis has a leather couch with feet not quite reaching the floor.
12. Milosevic made frequent pleas to be released from UN custody for some time to conduct a more effective defense. He claimed that he would not run from The Hague as he and his entire country were being tried there. His request was denied. Apparently no one trusted him after the armed standoff that followed at his Belgrade villa when they tried to arrest him the first time.
13. When the international community’s High Representative for Bosnia and Herzegovina, Paddy Ashdown, was on the stand testifying, Milosevic accused him of making speeches rather than answering questions. Perhaps most shocking, and saddest of all, was the instance when he blamed the Srebenica massacre on Bosnians and French spies attempting to make the world hate Serbia.
14. As a child Slobby would use a felt pen to make his dolls cross-eyed, then burn them for being freaks.
15. Regardless of whether Slobodan Milosevic died naturally, committed suicide, or was murdered lest he successfully escape conviction on sixty counts of crimes against humanity, his death ends any hope of bringing closure or justice to one of the worst crimes ending the last century.
16. There’s always Saddam. And Pinochet. And Kissinger. And Bush. And Suharto.
17. Gordon Campbell shut down the BC Human Rights Commission because human rights are too expensive. How tall is Campbell? Have you seen his hair lately? Where do these people come from?
18. We buried the other thirty-two reasons in unmarked graves.

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