VANCOUVER

Friday, June 23, 2017

° ยป 5 day

Because we have been waiting for you for a decade

AIDS

Chuck Ansbacher photo

*Vitamins are the new abstinence It’s Official! AIDS has been cured! Unless tomorrow some blog argues it’s not, in which case AIDS is back on but everybody will be feeling much more hopeful.

Andrew Stimpson, 25, currently living in Scotland with his HIV positive partner, who’s 44, has claimed in several of Britain’s finer journals of record, such as News of the World and the Mail on Sunday, that he cured himself of AIDS simply by taking vitamins. Very likely he also increased his intake of orange juice and stopped the self-destructive habit of looking into the sun for too long. World leaders should immediately be pressured to send Africa large crates of Flintstones vitamins and mandarin oranges while they are still cheap at IGA.

In May 2002, with his partner diagnosed as having Human Immunodeficiency Virus, Stimpson feared his constant weariness might be a symptom of Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome, the still-as-yet incurable disease infecting as many as 40.3 million people in the world. His first test proved negative but the doctors at the Chelsea and Westminster Health clinic told him he should try again. Sure enough, his next test on 15 August turned out “indeterminate”, but his 20 and 23 August tests came back positive, so he was told he was now free to go have unprotected sex with his partner. Hooray! Results! As his viral load (the suspected quantity of viral agents in his blood) was so low he was not prescribed antiretroviral therapy. Instead he began shovelling vitamins and mineral supplements like jellybeans. After fourteen months of feeling great he went back to the doctors, who tested him again in October and December 2003, and March 2004 as negative. Finally his doctor came into the room declaring “You’ve cured yourself! This is unbelievable!”
Various AIDS charities, such as Outrage, Avert, and the National AIDS Trust are demanding Stimpson undergo further tests for the sake of the entire HIV Positive community. Stimpson has agreed, so long as it is done outside the National Health Service, which he now distrusts, and is currently taking legal action against. The NHS Litigation Authority Edwina Azimi, however, has stated Stimpson is “exceptional and medically remarkable,” nodding enthusiastically and assuring him “you have recovered from a positive antibody result to a negative result”, therefore doesn’t need to sue them.

But wait! It gets better!

CureZone.com is trumpeting from their treehouse the astoundingly happy claim that the HIV virus “is a myth! The Virus does not kill, the treatment does!”

According to Anthony Brink, one of many AIDS researchers quoted on CureZone, “it’s not for nothing that AZT [the most common treatment for AIDS patients] comes with a skull and crossbones label.” Kary Mullis, Nobel Laureate for Chemistry adds, “It’s not been probable, let alone scientifically proven, that HIV causes AIDS.” Which is even better for those 25.8 million people dying in sub-Saharan Africa and Magic Johnson. Best, though, not to take chances. Send them the Flintstones, oranges, and Ralph Lauren aviator shades until they can be taught to stop staring at the sun in starvation-induced delirium.

Kevin Trudeau is a twice-convicted felon having served two years in a federal penitentiary for credit card fraud, impersonating a medical authority, and is banned from conducting any form of business in Australia. Nevertheless he is still entitled, under the American First Amendment to flog his crackpot book ‘Natural Cures–“They” Don’t Want You to Know About’. Now, mostly he claims he can cure cancer, probably by waving daisy chains at the afflicted, but no doubt he will soon be tossing out cures for AIDS by blasting jests of tangerine scented ozone at people. And according to various websites, if you sleep under a pyramid (available for purchase online using credit cards and PayPal accounts) not only will you never age, razor blades kept under your pillow never dull, and dead cats taken to bed with you will never rot, but you’ll never catch AIDS, hepatitis or gout, no matter what your lifestyle choices might be.

There has never been a better time to be confused about the facts! Between government spin doctors, trillion-dollar drug companies fingering reality with court-ordered impunity, dubious medically-certified pharmaceutical apologists, crackpots given free rein over the internet, the eternal desire of the public to believe whatever they’re told, and “respectable” medical authorities having to balance corporate sponsorship with their legal liabilities in the face of diminishing financial independence, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t accept as gospel truth whatever strikes your fancy today!

Tomorrow: The Wilma-shaped Flintstones regrow lost limbs, oranges cure death, and pyramids (in gold or selenium-laced copper) make you sexually indestructible and really, really hot!

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