VANCOUVER

Sunday, March 26, 2017

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Because we have been waiting for you for a decade

Condo Of Nations

Plaza OF Nations photo by Martin Thacker

Leaky Dreams For The Millenium

Discussions are underway towards the final fate of the Plaza of Nations site on north False Creek. Remember the World’s Fair back in ’86? Yeah, a lot of good things for this city eventually rose out of that, and now it’s time to hit bottom. A “public discussion” display was set up this week at the library for the public to voice their opinions regarding plans for development. Would you like to see this area be made into an icky Green Zone, full of poisonous raccoons and razor-edged blades of grass, or transformed into a beauteous residential paradise, full of state-of-the-art condominiums for struggling media barons and lawyers with doe-eyed children too delicate to sleep without their Kelly Clarkson Nightlight ©? Green Area! the people overwhelmingingly demanded on post-it notes provided by the event, “Anything but condos!”

Representatives wandered about goodnaturedly patting people on the head and thanking them for their contribution to this city’s future.

Plaza of Nations will be a gated community within eighteen months, with a thrice-life-sized Kelly Clarkson Eternal Nightlight Statue© in the bear-trap lined courtyard. The traps will be baited with grilled cheese sandwiches and the only clear space will be the rollerblade course reserved for property holders only. The homeless and renters are suckers for grilled cheese.
Only would like to contribute to the pointless exercise by offering a few possibilities for the most valuable land area in Vancouver.

For the sake of brevity, assume all projects under discussion here include a thirty-story animatronic Kelly Clarkson colossus, spouting cascades of cream soda from her various crevices for the masses to bathe in.

1. Separate the entire landmass, creating a floating island on which we will stage an ongoing reality television series called Cannibal! Various celebrities and politicians will be abandoned on this island knowing an ill-fed Gordon Campbell is loose somewhere on the island in a grass skirt and a lei– nothing else, the man is naked and wreathed in peppery-scented flowers– having been fed only a raw slab of leg from a young child a week earlier. Alternatively, the island could be the site for Canada’s Next Top Model, starring the same cast as above, and at some point they could all be taken down on assignment to California, given a key and offered the chance to open Robert Blake’s jail cell, symbolizing the great man’s freedom from oppression. “I wanted to open Bobby’s cage!” Gordon would sob, “I’m the white-est person here!

2. The entire area of North False Creek could be super heated and we attempt, every hour on the hour, to pour the Largest North False Creek-Shaped Banana-Chocolate-Filled Crepe in the Guinness Book of Useless Achievements. One billion jugs of batter, nine hundred thousand tonnes of RIPE bananas, one million pounds of whipped cream, and well over three billion individual chunks of flaked chocolate– one flake for every dollar the Liberals gave away to the top ten per cent of BC corporate business – will be used, and the unemployed jobs stats will dwindle away to zip as we temporarily hire every bum in this province to flip the thing over and sprinkle powdered sugar on top. Folks will quit their minimum wage servitude and take up the “Training Wage Programme”, the difference between their old earnings being given to CEOs as a tip for jobs well done, jobs just so they can see one chip of chocolate hit the heap.

3. Condos…for wildlife. Concrete caves, burrows, eiries, warrens, and designer swamps. Grizzly bears, eagles, blood-seeking rabbits and BC-bred alligators will live in a glass and steel “jungle” with an award-winning nature reserve stocked with human beings roaming free and vulnerable, naked but for their grass skirts, leis, and protective mai tai’s, food for the local citizenry. We’ll have a Rock Park, a bitchin’ waterfall/jet sculpture, and deep, jagged pits. It’ll be just like False Creek South but more northerly and with fewer toy terriers.

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