Bullets Over Broadway
Death To Fare Evaders!
Scene: Metrotown Sation, lunchtime, Translink Cop WOLF CONEPANTS (Arnold Swartzenomelette) trains his young sidekick PIGLET POOCH (Scarlet Vermillion) in spotting scumball fare evaders and what parts of their fleeing anatomy explode mostly colourfully on impact with dum-dummed .357’s.
WOLF: Jah, it’s important, Piglet to alvays remember you can only crush the balls of scum maybe half zhe time because ze vomen often don’t half balls…
Wolf suddenly grabs a person at random by the throat and lifts them off their feet.
WOLF: Do you haf a ticket… baby? Zhere is now a $175 fine if you don’t und maybe I vill just take your fine und buy a bucket of raw eggs und zum protein powder to eat right now because I can feel my left leg deflating. Hasta la vista…commuter!
COMMUTER SCUM: But I paid for the skytrain system with my taxes! Isn’t it unconstitutional to charge me excessive fines for using a public transport system I already paid for?!
WOLF: Jah, these leftie scum luv zhat one, that zhey are zhe public and own public-owned things. Zhat’s why zhe government are giving it away to private companies for practically nothing, zo zhat morally und fiscally zhese philosophising folks are as empty-handed as my deflating leg. But look at my still massive solarplexus! When it’s very sunny out I bake waffles on my solarplexus.
PIGLET: Wolf! Wolf, that man is looking shifty! Can I shoot him?
WOLF: You sink I vant to find out zhe hard vay he iz terrorist? Jah you shoot him!
PIGLET: Ha ha! Bang Bang! Look at me, Wolf, look at me shooting the scumballs!
WOLF: Haw haw, jah! You are real little scumball-shooter, hah? Good, good, head, leg, tummy– oh, you missed a spot…
PIGLET: Take that! And that! Ow! I bit my tongue!
FLEEING COMMUTER (Bruce Baldnesscareerspiral): I…was just…running…for…my…train…
WOLF: Piglet, piglet mine ickle porkbuddypartnersexualromatincinterestweimerainer, are you okay?
PIGLET: Gosh, Wolf, I know you’re a retired ex-cop, and I’m a former security guard and special constable on the weekends with previous experience working in a bakery and several whole weeks at the Justice Institute learning to point a gun, if not quite getting enough time to develop the whole law enforcement officer mindset surrounding the complex circumstances of owning and operating a lethal firearm, but nobody told me these average citizens unforgivably imagining this city is their own to live in like free citizens, using public transit like they were members of the public who pay taxes which pay for public transit… nobody ever warned me I might bite my tongue in the course of my unnecessarily dangerous duties!
WOLF: Jah, jah. Vhat, uh, vhat vas zhat bit after zhe third syllable?
Suddenly a group of SQUEE-GEE KIDS and a PAN-HANDLER, looking suspiciously non-affluent, and a hurried BUSINESSWOMAN who needs to get to work and probably didn’t buy a ticket for the first time since she was twelve arrive on the platform.
WOLF: Lookout Piglet! Incoming! If only I can get to zhe flamethrower und tazer-bomb hidden behind zhe ads for last years An Unfortunate Series of Greedy Tranlink Decisions movie posters, maybe I would have a chance…
Wolf somersaults and barrel vaults over a ticket dispensing machine, the disabled elevator and an old blind woman and her seeing-eye raccoon (hey, she’s blind, what she doesn’t know…) landing squarely on a family of twelve. He retrieves the arsenal recently approved by Mayor Jimmy Pattison and cuts loose. FUCKIN’ YES!
WOLF: I must make zhe skytrain safe for all zhe people who can’t afford cars and who vant to save zhe environment (filthy pinkos, anyway)! Zo die scumballs, die! Die!
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang bang bang! Bangbangbangbangbang! Ratatatatatatatatatatata. (Random screaming, chaotic background kinetics, running, etc) Shoomp. Click. Shoosh! BOOOM! (Skytrain slides in, skytrain slides out) RRRRRRRRRR, clunk! Whrrr, thunk, click–POW! ZWZWzwzwzwzwWZWZWzwwwrrrr….KERPOW! BLAMMO! CRASH!
FADE TO BLACK. CREDITS ROLL. THE END.