VANCOUVER

Thursday, April 27, 2017

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Because we have been waiting for you for a decade

Help time with Amil Niazi (™)

Dear Amil,
I recently moved to Vancouver from a province to the east of here. I am having trouble making friends, whereas I never had such trouble before. I think it might be my sense of what things are funny. People here don’t seem to “get” sarcasm or dry humour, kind of like Quebec except without the awesomeness of Juste pour rire gags or Tête-à-claques. It’s like nobody can get loose without getting judged on it. I feel like I am offending people at an unprecedented rate. Are people super-serious here? Is it me? Also, why are the patios deserted?
I Don’t Understancouver

Dear Carrot Top,
A lot of people don’t get my particular brand of prop comedy either. What is not funny about Jews did 9/11, truth.org? Exactly. What I’m saying is, funny jokes are funny jokes, there’s not much to “get.” If nobody’s laughing, maybe you’re not as funny as you think. And that is okay, what are you a clown? Are you a Quebecer? Gross. You don’t have to be that guy. If a duck and a Catholic walk into a bar in the forest, will it still result in an offensive punchline? Zing! I’ll be at Caroline’s all week.

Dear Amil,
As one of your previous columns has left me a little distressed, I thought I would turn to you to try to hash out future acts of propriety. I am desperately trying to figure out what is appropriate fun for those over 30. Is going to the bar to mix with those still in their “san souci”-youth, and casual sex ever allowable or are exceptions made only if you are: a) a big artist and slumming it, b) a celebrity filming a movie in town and slumming it, or c) an alcoholic with nothing to lose. Since I am not officially any of those grandiose things, am I really limited to “house-parties” a.k.a., dinner parties, with others in my co-hort? Also, do I really have to stop doing cocaine?
Sincerely,
Over 30 but still feeling 20

Dear Probably an Australian Hairdresser,
I hope that I didn’t offend you last week when I called you a “haircut and some feet.” We all shit one leg at a time. Can you still be a boozebag in your 30s? Sure. If you like being a walking colostomy bag with snort holes for cocaine. Otherwise, just walk away.

Dear Amil,
I do a daily news round-up on a local website here in Vancouver City, and you know, I think it might be infecting my brainz. It’s just the same thing over and over again. I mean, the cops just killed a guy because he had an exacto knife in his bag, then erased the cell phone video that a bystander took. What is the point? (Please don’t make any bed bug jokes.)
Frustrated local blogger

Dear People of the Compound,
Listen to the Lord Humongous on this one. You’re in the valley of death, and it’s a thankless job hoarding all that gasoline. Just walk away.

You need advice too? Send questions to: helptimewithamil@onlymagazine.ca

Always Anonymous.

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