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Thursday, March 30, 2017

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Because we have been waiting for you for a decade

Help time with Amil Niazi (™)

helptimewithAmil@onlymagazine.ca

Dear Amil,

I need help. Let’s just start by saying God has been good to me and I am well endowed. Usually this is a blessing, as the many women I have slept with over the years have always told how great it was to be deep dicked. But now, I am married and we are expecting our first baby. This is all very exciting except that lately we haven’t been ““doing it” much because I’m afraid my um….“gift” could damaged the baby’s head. Especially since I’ve heard that baby’s head are soft and I wouldn’t want to dent it, or poke one of it’s little eyes out or worse, have my “gift” pop my wife’s amniotic sack….What should I do? Can I still fuck my wife?

Thanks,
Big D

Dear Lying about your size,

Important question. Some medical experts might suggest that you can continue having penis-in vagina-sex with your wife, but I am not a medical expert. Forget, for a moment, the psychological trauma a child suffers seeing your penis repeatedly – because as my illustration below suggests, that’s the least of your concerns.


So, if you’d like a baby with a blowhole, then keep poking. Otherwise, back door service only.

Dear Amil,

It seems like you have a good handle on the “blogosphere” so I had a quick technology question for you: Which blogging system would work the best for a local news feed in terms of SEO? A friend of mine is working on getting a Phoenix News site (http://www.phoenews.com/) and is currently not getting good SEO results with the system he is using. Any advice?

Thanks very much,
DD

Dear DD,

You’ve asked an incredibly boring and yet useful question for “the times.” Most techsperts ™ will recommend working on the content of your site before tackling the search engine optimization. I agree that high quality writing/content will improve your chances of climbing the Google ladder BUT the real key is mastery of keywords.

Here are the basic tags or keywords to include on any post or news item, to get you started:
Hot, teen, wet, sex, free, porn, iphone, jonas brothers, scientology, obama, change, nsa, m4w, hate, gary, sinise, antichrist

Good luck!

Dear Amil,

My boyfriend is fat, but only in some places. How do I get him to lose weight?
Signed,

Shallow but okay with it.

Dear Shallow but still kind of a bitch,

Your question is close to my own heart. I once came home to a loved one eating a jar of Nutella with a spoon, hunks of melted German chocolate on his protruding belly. Over time, his chin and tummy region had grown to two, maybe three times their original size and it was quite distressing. Reminding your partner that they are a fat, lazy piece of shit is a good start. But that can only take you so far. Offer to sign him up for a gym membership. Hide food on a regular basis. Threaten to leave him for a younger, slimmer man. But take caution: if you’re going to employ these techniques, you need to be relatively in shape. Starve yourself and remind him how amazing it feels to be hungry. If everything fails, know that excess body weight can be good for the spirit.

  1. C.

    finally, Only is recovering from its acute case of tumblritis… get better soon!

    - Feb 24, 12:27 AM

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