The Sun Never Sets On Only
helptimewithAmil@onlymagazine.ca

Help time with Amil Niazi (™)

Dear Amil,

One of my friends is dating a total douche. I guess he’s pretty good-looking, but all he ever does is make fun of her and other people constantly, and not in an amusing way. They’ve been together for quite a while and I can’t really see it ending, but my friends and I think this relationship is really bad for her… she acts differently around him and has bizarrely low self-esteem (even though she’s awesome and has lots of opportunities to date other guys). So should one of us say something, or is that just asking for awkwardness? And if we don’t say anything, how do we avoid hanging out with this a-hole?

Concerned Friend.

Dear She Totally Has Daddy Issues,

He sounds like a fat, abusive, piece of shit. But maybe your friend is into that? MAYBE your friend is not as awesome as you suggest since she is spending all of her time at Mystic Tan and the Keg with Patrick Bateman. Chicken and egg, you know? WHO is the asshole, is what I’m getting at.

What you should probably do is set them both on fire and say “good day.”

Because what is more awkward?

Dealing with this situation now, or having to spend $56.95 on His ‘n Hers Paint Ball guns for their wedding?

Dear Amil,

Am I an asshole? I suspect I may be. How do I live a fulfilling life as an asshole? Is there a future for me in the world of Ultimate Fighting? Perhaps social work? Does this email make me look fat?

Thanks, I guess.

Dear Fat Asshole,

How did you know your girlfriend’s friend would be writing in this week? BANANAS.

Yes, you may want to consider some time in Ultimate Gay Pornography, but that is just a band-aid solution.

Honour suicide.

Consider it.

I will pay for the bullet.

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Help time with Amil Niazi (™)

Dear Amil,

Not too long ago, my girlfriend, her friend from work, and I were hanging out at her apartment. Whilst my girlfriend was off in her room, her friend and I discussed where we would eat that night. We looked at some places online and he told me he was going to take a shit. Right when he got up I decided to check my email, and Amil, I didn’t have enough time to enter my username and password before he came out of the bathroom. I looked at him in shock and he just said, “what, I’m quick.” I told him it takes me longer just to wash my hands and he said, “I don’t wash them.” I was shocked, but his explanation offended me to my core. He didn’t wash his hands, because he “didn’t touch anything.”

Here’s the problem, when I told my girlfriend about our friend’s filthy hygiene habits and his absurd explanation she responded that a man who doesn’t wash his hands after defecating is “her kinda guy!” I don’t know what to do? How can I be with someone like this? Her kinda guy? I know the women these days are fans of the “dirty” boys, but I always thought dirty was more of a stylistic choice, not someone with heinous hygiene that can put all of our health in jeopardy.

So, I’m guessing the only option is to break up with her? But do I need to somehow light the both of them on fire? Humanity is at stake.

Dear Gigantic Parasite,

That is disgusting and don’t you go thinking that lighting the two of them on fire is going to end this fecal blight on mankind because you have obviously been contaminated yourself. Murder-Suicide. That is the right thing to do.

And tell me this! Did you then afterwards go out and consume food with this person? Are you saying to me that you broke bread right after he broke poo? Ay yay yi!

Look at these worms, do they not look like something that happens to someone when they don’t wash their hands after they poo!? DO THEY NOT?

But I mean, if you really love this person, if that is even possible now, I guess it can be worked out. My toilet clogged on the weekend and I was like, “Okay, Amil, time to move. You can’t ever use this toilet again as it’s been, well, you know – compromised.”

But I love my apartment and it’s too late to start looking for something in the middle of summer, so whatever, I just bleached the shit out of it and then had a really, really long shower. So what I’m saying is, throw some bleach on her, hope it takes and then scrub the fuck out of your wormy body.

Dear Ms Niazi,

I work “creatively” with a group of friends who are generally pretty funny awesome, except for one douche who consistently butts heads with me. Thing is, aside from his stubborn, idiotic ideas and unwillingness to ever listen to me, he’s the one who owns the expensive equipment we use (and by we, I mean not him, because we don’t really trust him with using it properly). We’ve joke kicked him out of the group before, but I’m through with jokes. Is this a situation where poisoning would come in handy? We just have to make sure we borrow the equipment before tainting his Vitamin Water, right?

Adventures in Dummyland

Dear Control Freak,

Just so we’re all clear, you’re a young scamp who has a clubhouse where you make cute Youtube videos with your little friends and one of them is bothering you with his always wanting to do dances to Single Ladies? Right? Because as an objective reader – and more importantly – an adult, that’s what I’m getting from your question. That you are a child.

Oh, you’re using some guy for his web cam, but you don’t know how to tell him that you hate his fat guts and you wish that he had never been born? Well why don’t you get a job and buy your own Carebears Handy Cam, so that your “No Dummiez Allowed” club can be exactly the way YOU want it to be.

Grow up!

Dear Amil,

Your literary prowess and humorability tickle my fancy so.
Perchance, might you be available for dating and/or meaningful friendship?

Sincerely,
No Lecherous Intent

Dear Perv,

1.) Humorability is not A word, let alone ONE word
2.) Pray tell, what sort of meaningful friendship would you like us to have over the internet? Cyber-perv.
3.) Send me a picture, NO FATTIES! A/S/L?

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Help time with Amil Niazi (™)

Dear Amil,

Recently I went to see Phish. My friends won’t stop with the teasing. I’ve tried to play them a few songs to convince them that it’s ok. They didn’t like Chalkdust Torture. They really didn’t like Fluffhead. Now the teasing is so much worse. They are calling me Fluffhead and they mean penis when they say it. What should I do?

Phishhead

Dear Take Me Now Lord,

Wow. You are blowing my Fluffhead with this question. And I mean penis when I say that.

I’m not saying I know the most about music, but when you say Phish, you mean that band with the ice cream? Are we talking about Cherry Garcia?

Look, I saw Lillith Fair at a very impressionable young age so I’m not going to judge you too hard, but you should know that it’s taken years to erase that experience from my memory. But I have. I unbraided the body hair. I took down my “Smash the Patriarchy” posters. I’ve moved on. I’m like, “Paula Cole who?”

So listen to your friends when they say, “Shut up about that band that no one has ever heard.”

The healing starts right here.

Dear Amil,

What should I do with my life? I feel like I’m going nowhere fast.

Aimless

Dear It’s The Journey, Not the Destination (bullet!),

It’s a recession, dummy! There’s not time for pontification or bourgeoisie yearning. People are eating squirrels, god dam you!

Finding yourself is for closers!

Jokes. Here you go:

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Help time with Amil Niazi (™)

Dear Amil,

Help. I like a boy. What do I do?

Crushing

Dear Twilight fan,

I had no idea that this column appealed to a ‘tween fanbase. But I’m honoured you would turn to me in your pivotal “our bodies, ourselves” years. I just assumed most people with your vocabulary were sexting each other to death and then dry humping like zombies until you were teen-pregnant. Modern times! However, the Dance of Romance TM is complicated regardless of age or emotional maturity. Now, without knowing what you both look like it’s hard for me to truly gauge your potential love connection (barf.) But the illustration below pretty much sums up the courtship process as practiced by humans from Roman times to the present.

EASY!

Dear Amil,

Recently, I caught one of my friends showing another friend a magic trick at a bar. He was on his way out but I begged him to show me a trick before he left and when he finally conceded, he showed me one of the most amazing tricks I’ve ever seen. He had me hold out my hands, make a fist while he lit a cigarette, had me open my hand, and there were ashes in my left hand. Amil, I don’t remember for sure, and I was a little drunk at the time, but I think the ashes were still a little warm.

Here’s the thing. I love magic. I don’t know how to do any tricks (magicians prefer the term effect) and I don’t read any magazines or books or the whatnot, but my love is real. I watch magic on TV a lot. I’ll pay to see David Copperfield if he comes to town, and in fourth grade, when we had to do a report on great Jews for Hebrew school I chose Houdini over Golda Meir and Steely Dan. So needless to say, I was super bummed. I mean this is the type of trick that only a magician would know, it would not be the only trick in your repertoire. This is a trick that clearly takes a long time to master, and because it involves smoking, means he started practicing in college, outside of the parents’ house, so the whole, I used to do magic in high school excuse is out the window.

I accused my friend of not being a good friend. He accused me of being a moron. I’m not disputing the latter, but I’m still arguing for the former. His arguments against not being a good friend are as follows:

1) He never knew I loved magic.
2) I never asked him to show me magic.

1) This is crazy. Everyone in my group of friends knows I’m the one that loves magic. I had a magician at my fucking twenty-fourth birthday party. And while Mike claimed he didn’t attend – the ridiculousness of having a magician at my birthday party, let alone the awesomeness of the magic itself would have made its way to Mike. In my group of friends you can’t take a shit longer than ten minutes (or shorter than three I guess) without its getting talked about. I once got a phone call in California because I had to be told about an argument my friends got into over whether white chocolate is in fact chocolate. So that’s a bunch of bullshit. Also, this magician who performed at my party also performed magic opening up for the band Cake. In addition to loving magic, my friends make fun of me for listening to Cake, and it came up many times that “my favorite magician opened up for my favorite band.”
2) I never asked, because if you know something that amazing, and you are a friend of mine, I shouldn’t have to ask to see it.

Right now we’re in a big fight. I’m mad at him. I’m willing to drop it all and tell him, I love magic, but I still would like him to acknowledge that in ten years of friendship, I should have known about his talent before a week ago.

What’s the deal?

Dear Sisyphus,

Your letter really speaks to the fragility of human connection. This world is such a cold, dark, hollow and ultimately tragic place and here is your friend, refusing to share with you the warmth of companionship. By not acknowledging your passion for Magik, while simultaneously denying you the gift of illusion, he is only reinforcing the lonely burden of our universal condition, the endless lament, if you will.

JUST KIDDING! Oh my god, what are you even talking about?

How the fuck is your friend supposed to know you are so krazy gay for MAGIC? Granted that birthday party, but as you said yourself he did not even attend. Maybe all he ever heard about that party was that you had a clown at your house and it made everyone very uncomfortable.

Here’s what I know:

1) Your friend has spent many years perfecting the art of putting ASHES IN YOUR HAND
2) If that is the trick he chose to do on you, you should be upset, because gross
3) The reason he probably learned magic in the first place was to perv on women, in which case, the last thing he wants to do is spend time wooing you with his elaborate “rabbit in the pants” trick. He’s like, “Here you fucking go guy, I just put a cigarette out in your hand. Now get outta here, I’ve got sexy moves to make.”

Also, this is totally your friend:

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Help time with Amil Niazi (™)

Dear Amil,
How come when people on the Enterprise beam up, and from, anywhere on the ship in an emergency why do they even have a transporter room that they only sometimes have to go to to beam up and from the ship?

Want A Response Please (WARP)

Dear Space Garbage,
What the fuck are you talking about?

Dear Amil,
I’ve been unemployed for 2 months now. I’ve had to give up my apartment and move in with my girlfriend. I feel slightly emasculated by these recent changes and having to rely on my partner. I need money fast. I need to get out of this rut. What is the best pyramid scheme to join?

Not A Bum

Dear What Part Of Get A Job Don’t You Get A Job?
When you are aged and never give up, it gives your the confidence, at any chance, at any place. I need your assistance and trust please. Get your complimentary credit report! I EXPECT YOUR URGENT COMMUNICATION! Do her in hers face, feel good.

You see what I’m saying? Spam. It’s the new economy. Drop your load in her pharmaceutical matchmaker.

Dear Amil,
I need to stalk someone, what’s the best way to do this?

Not Crazy

Dear I Don’t Want To Be Held Legally Responsible For Anything,
Stalking is a violation of the trust humans have in each other to be cool, so I myself would not partake in such behaviour. And I would never suggest you hire an airplane to write cryptic messages in the sky or get a series of secret email accounts just in case one of the other ones gets blocked or haunt the Missed Connections section of Craigslist, reading way too much into every post (M4M? that could be you), or have your face taken off in order to move freely around said person’s whereabouts, though you may or may not even be aware of these whereabouts for legal reasons. You’re making me uncomfortable.

(God speed.)

Send any and all queries to: helptimewithamil@onlymagazine.ca

Anonymity guaranteed.

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Help time with Amil Niazi (™)

Dear Amil,
I recently moved to Vancouver from a province to the east of here. I am having trouble making friends, whereas I never had such trouble before. I think it might be my sense of what things are funny. People here don’t seem to “get” sarcasm or dry humour, kind of like Quebec except without the awesomeness of Juste pour rire gags or Tête-à-claques. It’s like nobody can get loose without getting judged on it. I feel like I am offending people at an unprecedented rate. Are people super-serious here? Is it me? Also, why are the patios deserted?
I Don’t Understancouver

Dear Carrot Top,
A lot of people don’t get my particular brand of prop comedy either. What is not funny about Jews did 9/11, truth.org? Exactly. What I’m saying is, funny jokes are funny jokes, there’s not much to “get.” If nobody’s laughing, maybe you’re not as funny as you think. And that is okay, what are you a clown? Are you a Quebecer? Gross. You don’t have to be that guy. If a duck and a Catholic walk into a bar in the forest, will it still result in an offensive punchline? Zing! I’ll be at Caroline’s all week.

Dear Amil,
As one of your previous columns has left me a little distressed, I thought I would turn to you to try to hash out future acts of propriety. I am desperately trying to figure out what is appropriate fun for those over 30. Is going to the bar to mix with those still in their “san souci”-youth, and casual sex ever allowable or are exceptions made only if you are: a) a big artist and slumming it, b) a celebrity filming a movie in town and slumming it, or c) an alcoholic with nothing to lose. Since I am not officially any of those grandiose things, am I really limited to “house-parties” a.k.a., dinner parties, with others in my co-hort? Also, do I really have to stop doing cocaine?
Sincerely,
Over 30 but still feeling 20

Dear Probably an Australian Hairdresser,
I hope that I didn’t offend you last week when I called you a “haircut and some feet.” We all shit one leg at a time. Can you still be a boozebag in your 30s? Sure. If you like being a walking colostomy bag with snort holes for cocaine. Otherwise, just walk away.

Dear Amil,
I do a daily news round-up on a local website here in Vancouver City, and you know, I think it might be infecting my brainz. It’s just the same thing over and over again. I mean, the cops just killed a guy because he had an exacto knife in his bag, then erased the cell phone video that a bystander took. What is the point? (Please don’t make any bed bug jokes.)
Frustrated local blogger

Dear People of the Compound,
Listen to the Lord Humongous on this one. You’re in the valley of death, and it’s a thankless job hoarding all that gasoline. Just walk away.

You need advice too? Send questions to: helptimewithamil@onlymagazine.ca

Always Anonymous.

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Help time with Amil Niazi (™)

Dear Amil,

A couple of weeks ago I got super-drunk at my local bar and maybe embarrassed myself in front of the staff. What’s the protocol for returning to the scene?

Signed,
Just Another Night of Krazy Youth

Dear It happens to all of us okay?

Sounds to me like you did nothing wrong. That bar is taking your money, sometimes all of it, so they should be well prepared for the logical ending to the time-honoured tradition of trading spare change for double whiskeys. You march back in there, get even drunker this time, and show them nobody puts JANKY in a corner.

Dear Amil,

For some reason I’m deeply affected by celebrity deaths. I had to take a day off when I heard about Heath Ledger, and this Natasha Richardson thing is really getting to me (even though I don’t totally know who she is). Am I completely crazy, or should I just stop reading celebrity gossip?

Signed,
Moe

Dear Rock of Love: Heaven edition,

It’s natural to be moved by death, especially when you didn’t know the person and their passing in no way affects your day-to-day reality. In fact, as far as you know, this person sort of only exists to you because they died (whoa, META!) and the next time you even think of them will be when their picture appears on-screen during the Oscar’s dead celebrities tribute. Just kidding, you’re crazy. Wear a helmet when you ski!

Dear Readers,

I noticed that teen pregnancy rates continue to climb in the U.S. and addiction reality shows are at an all-time high, so where are your advice questions?

Send any and all queries to: helptimewithamil@onlymagazine.ca

Anonymity guaranteed.

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Help time with Amil Niazi (™)

Dear Amil,

How do I tell my friends who are old (30++) that they are too old to be doing blow? I am afraid one of them will have a heart attack, or engage me in a conversation about keeping it real. Is there a form letter or anonymous Internet service I can employ?

Stevie Wonderbread

Dear T2: Judgment Day,

Are your friends hairdressers? Because those guys are always the worst about sadly clinging to their grizzled youth. I mean, what are you, a haircut and some feet? Why does everything have to be so “Rock n Roll” with you guys? More like My Hurls, right? Get new friends. Just because you like the meat doesn’t mean you have to hang out with the butcher. (?)

Dear Amil,

How do I party during a recession without upsetting all the newly homeless and unemployed? I know it’s a time for keeping it real, but I feel like I better get it in now as I’m soon to join them.

Anonymous

Dear We’re all gonna be so poor,

Have you ever fallen asleep in the woods? I have. Nobody parties harder than the homeless and unemployed. Probably, if you just stop equating the word ‘party’ with the words ‘Skybar’ and ‘date rape’ you’ll be fine. OR, you could ask Judgy McHairdresser up there to give you the number of his friends.

Dear Friend,

My name is Mr.Su Ning,deputy governor people’s bank of china.
I have a very urgent business proposal for your consideration
and acceptance.Please don’t be offended about this email as it
is only a request to go into partnership over a business deal.

This transaction is worth 21.5 million U.S Dollars and am willing
to inform you on details of the transaction on receipt of your reply
in acceptance to this email. Please email me at my private email.

Thank you and hope to hear from you

Mr. Su Ning,
Dear I already gave my heart to a Nigerian prince,

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Help time with Amil Niazi (™)

Dear Amil,

I’m considering dropping out of a Master’s Degree Program because it’s so new (in it’s second year) and it’s not really doing much for me. Beginning things and then feeling like it’s not a fit is pretty typical of my life. I’ve already done an undergraduate degree and a degree in education. The thing is too that I’ve been in school for 6 and a half years STRAIGHT! I finished my undergrad in July ’07, started my B.Ed in September ’07, finished my B.Ed in June ’08, and started doing this Masters program in September ’08. No real break ya know? I don’t know what to do…

I took a year off in my undergrad and came back despite what everyone thought, i.e. that I wasn’t going to go back and I did! I even excelled and did amazing and went on to get into one of the two best teacher’s college in Canada. So, if I take a year or more off and want to return to the Masters, I will!

Help me get my feet back on the ground, won’t you pleeeaaaseee, help me!

Signed,
Somebody

Dear It’s Time To Get A Real Job,

First of all, you completed your degree in education in one year? Well, la dee da. Second of all, you are absolutely right, it is time for you to grow up and stop eating ramen noodles in bed. You people still eat those, right? (Hold on, by “you people” I mean communists, so just relax.) Your condition is known as floundering, so defer your current Masters (of being a bum!) and take some time to re-evaluate what exactly it is you want out of clown college.

Hope that helps!

Dear Amil,

My friend and I discovered over the weekend that we suffer from the same affliction: boyfriend with iPhone. Now I love technology and its benefits, but it’s difficult to not be irritated when your loved one is constantly texting, emailing, blogging or bridge playing during times when simply patience is required, such as waiting for a turn at Scrabble or making a stir fry. Is it justifiable to tell these fuckers to grow up, or can we just not handle the FUTURE?

Sincerely,
I know I’m not married, but wireless is only one letter away from wifeless

Dear n00b,

If I could become pure energy and enter the mainframe, I would. Technology is amazing, and until we are able to make a digital stir fry, all mundane, “human” activity will be trumped by a touch screen. Your primitive nature may serve you well in the apocalypse, but even then Scrabble will be boring.

Dear Amil,

I am having a boy problem. This boy I know wants to take me to dinner. He asked me out via text message. There are a few issues I have, and I am hoping you can give me some guidance in this matter. Issue one: This boy is the brother of a friend/coworker. I’m not too keen on mixing business with pleasure. #2: I had a sex dream about my friend/coworker, and both parties know (I think it’s hilarious and it would never happen in real life). #3: I’m not attracted to him romantically, but don’t want to be rude. How do I come out of this with it not being awkward, and things remaining as much the same as possible.

Sincerely,
Lost little lamb

Dear Blah, blah, blah,

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Help time with Amil Niazi (™)

Dear Amil

Recently I have suffered a loss of appetite, I have been feeling run down and tired and have generally been feeling poorly. This morning, in the shower I noticed clumps of my hair came out in the wash…any idea what’s wrong with me?
James

Dear You Should Probably Consult A Medical Expert,
What a downer. I don’t want to freak your shit or whatever, but I checked your symptoms on Web MD and I think you might have breast cancer or radiation poisoning or some kind of terrifying hybrid of the two. Please call someone who is legally allowed to wear a stethoscope and have them examine you.
Seriously.

Dear Amil,

Sometimes after a “night on the town” I get up in the middle of the night and I pee in the strangest places (closets, my brother’s bedroom, under my girlfriend’s kitchen table). The worst part is, I don’t remember ever doing it, I’m sleep-peeing. What’s up with that?

Nocturnal Golden Shower Prince

Dear That’s Not A Real Condition,

A lot of liars pass off their disturbing behaviour as a sleep disorder, but you’re not going to pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining. (See what I did there?) Last year a Toronto-area man claimed he suffered from a rare disorder called “sleep-murder” wherein he got up in the middle of the night, drove to his wife’s parents’ house, stabbed them to death, got back in his car, drove home, changed out of his bloody clothes, disposed of the evidence and went back to sleep. Wait, what? Exactly. What I’m trying to say is, stop going to bed so drunk that you are peeing on your girlfriend’s stuff.

Dear Amil,

It has been my experience both having been in and out of love at one time or another that the emotions of love and hate often exist at the same time. This is especially confusing and poignant during the act of coitus. There are times when I engage in the act motivated by pure love. Other times it is out of pure lust. However it is the times that I am with the one I love but currently hate that are the most difficult. My question is this; I’m thinking of getting two tattoos on my penis to represent this ongoing battle. On one side the word Hate, on the other, Love. Is this a good idea? Do you think that it will cause further problems with my current love or even future loves?

Quentin L. Sommerville

Dear Express Yourself Don’t Repress Yourself,

It’s human nature. Go for it! I’d like to think that if God didn’t want you to tattoo your penis, he wouldn’t have invented this guy:

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