Elections Are Easy

Confused about who to vote for in the provincial election? Feel insecure when you see a pencil? Have no fear. The Only has compiled a list of Vancouver endorsements for you. Just rip this page out and sneak it into the voting booth and watch the magic of democracy vomit all over your ballot.

Burrard: Tim Stevenson – NDP
It’s the battle for the king of queens. It’s not so much that Stevenson is the golden rod as much as Lorne Mayencourt is a poop dick. Stevenson has ridden the Larry Campbell bandwagon back to prominence, by not voting for Mayencourt, you will make the world a better place.

Fairview: Malcolm Janet Mary van Diest – Work Less Party
Damn son. Check out that name. Just saying it seems like a lot of work, never mind spelling it. This must be irony or somethin’. By the way, if you think we’re falling for Gregor “Fruity Juice” Robertson–the NDP’s new business friendly poster boy–you be straight trippin’ you sell-out whores.

Fraserview: Doug Perry – Green Party
This should be a Wally Oppal endorsement. The Supreme Court judge has been a lone voice within the establishment pushing for police reform. But by ponying up with the devilish Liberals his credentials are thrown out the window and we have to question his true intentions. So instead, we endorse Perry–a former Teamster/business manager who is into yoga, Tai Chi and Chinese holistic medicine.

Hastings: Will Offley – Independent
Listed as an independent, Offley is running on the Left-Turn Socialist’s Programme and has tried to bring attention to the fact that $4.6 billion in BC pension funds is invested in corporations that make weapons for the Iraq war. While his socialist utopia is a bit delusional, the mofo has been in trenches with the US civil rights and anti-war movements and get this: he’s a male nurse.

Kensington: Charles Boylan – People’s Front
You might not know the name, but you’d recognize the voice. Boylan has been holding it down at Co-op Radio for forever, brining the 4-1-1 about politricks to the masses. His endorsement also reflects the sorry slate of losers that the bigwig parties put together for this riding.

Kingsway: Yvonne Maylynne Tink – The Sex Party
She’s running for the Sex Party and her last name rhymes with dink. Pure fucking genius. It’s got everyone turned on at the Only sex den. Can you actually believe the NDP is running a man caught forging documents for Glen “I’ll suck your cock if you build me a deck” Clark?

Langara: Anita Romaniuk – NDP
The rumour around the cauldron is that Romaniuk is a witch. A good witch that casts breezy spells in city parks. Wizardry can be the only explanation as to why Carole Taylor, a former city councilor and CBC chair, would run for the fascist Liberals. Does Taylor really expect us to be so overwhelmed with her looks that we’ll forget how evil the Liberals are?

Mount Pleasant: Jenny Kwan – NDP
Kwan has stuck it out for the past four years as one of only two opposition MLA’s. Despite everything the Liberals have done to destroy human rights and democracy in the province, Kwan didn’t back down and remained a constant thorn in the side of the cocksure misogynistic dickheads. She has earned another term.

Point Grey: Tom Walker – Work Less Party
Gordon Campbell is a drunk driving, big business freeloader, the NDP’s Mel Lehan is from the Unemployed Teachers Action Centre and the Green’s Damian Kettlewell drives around in a Mercedes fueled by vegetable oil. It’s about time someone like the Work Less Party had the balls to say that Babylon is full of privileged assholes that don’t contribute anything meaningful to society.

Quilchena: Jarrah Hodge – NDP
We’re willing to bet money that Hadge, a 19-year-old SFU student, can beat the shit out of rich boy Colin Hansen. The former health and current finance minister desperately needs his jaw broken for overseeing a policy that has killed poor people. We say two rounds before Hansen is peeing blood out of his tiny dick.

Electoral referendum: Yes for STV
Don’t believe the hype, it’s not that fucking complicated. Instead of choosing one asshole, you pick a bunch of assholes and rank them in order of how deep you can shove your arm in there. The current system has clearly failed and needs reform. STV (Single Transferable Vote) might not eliminate political corruption, but it will offer some viable alternatives.

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