Porn for Losers

By Amil Niazi

Thursday April 12, 2007

Dishpan Handjob

Have you ever seen an ad for a Swiffer wet jet and felt your panties get moist? Does the thought of a slightly pudgy but sensitive guy rubbing your feet in a nonsexual manner make you girl-hard? Well then, do I have the book for you! It’s called Porn for Women and the Cambridge Women’s Pornography Cooperative recently put it out.

Finally ladies, a book that properly sanitizes and legitimizes pornography in a way that allows manufacturers to continue selling us lemon-scented furniture wipes and lets us chastely masturbate at the same time. If you thought you were alone in fingering it to the idea of your alcoholic husband finally putting away the dishes and reading to the kids, fear not because apparently there are plenty more women out there just like you. In fact, the CWPC interviewed “dozens” of females — rich, old, fat, whatever — to find out what got them juicy, and it would seem average looking men doing mundane domestic chores is what does the trick. Yes, we women get beige apron-clad sensilubes and men get naked chicks shooting live quail out of their vaginas.

Are we really that out of touch with our own sexuality or is this just a way to peddle a Martha Stewart Living catalogue disguised as a cum rag? Are women really so obsessed with cooking and cleaning that we can’t shake it from our sexual desires as well? I fucking think not.

Long have I suffered in vexation at seeing commercial after commercial that depicts women who ache and long to scrub their toilets clean. You can practically see them salivating, tempted to lick the bowl clean themselves if only it’ll mean reaching that Mr. Clean gleam. The idea in advertising is not just that women love to clean, but that we don’t even want men involved. No, the vacuum, the mop and the duster are our power tools. We take great pride in wielding these heady symbols of our relegated domestic roles while our men folk procure the wealth. Fuck You. Nobody actually likes to spend their day cleaning the house, not even maids and they fucking get paid to do it. So explain to me how it’s suddenly erotic for women (who have allegedly been on their knees scrubbing floors all day) to see men doing the same shitty jobs they apparently love to do? Shouldn’t that just be standard practice?

Seriously, how long are we going to allow the media to continue perpetuating the myth that all women fucking love doing laundry? And now on top of that, that we can only become sexually aroused if men suddenly love doing laundry too? Jesus, God, I would like to personally shit on whoever sold this lie in the first place along with the person responsible for convincing the world that women prefer chocolate to sex. No wonder North America is a nation of boring, overweight slobs: apparently all any of us women do is eat bon bons and fantasize about the plumber actually fixing the plumbing.

Have we really come to the point as a civilization where even something with the word Porn in it can be sold front and centre at the Starbucks and doesn’t have a single cock or puss? Whatever happened to raunch, a huge bush with some sweaty dude’s zang hanging out of it or even a normal-weight Jenna Jameson (pre botched vaginal surgery) getting straight pounded? The only thing in this case sadder than sanitized porn is porn that in any way suggests that domesticity is a feminine aphrodisiac.