VANCOUVER

Monday, September 25, 2017

° » 5 day

Because we have been waiting for you for a decade

So In 2 It

Those People Are Just Like Me

hA grl wotz ^!? i wz jst listNN 2 som independent rock music on my VDO ipod! Laff out lowd, Im so n 2 it! Y dun we go participate n a flash mob whIl bn totally ironic w our wardrobes?! OMG, :-d out lowd!

Sorry, that’s just me communicating with my other technosexual friends, laying down the lingo that so keenly reflects our generation of text-savvy hipsters. We are all about conserving time by replacing words with numbers because we are efficient! We wear funny things that don’t always match, come from thrift stores and can be painfully appropriated and deemed ironic because we are so quirky! Old people don’t really get us, because we are all web 3.0 and they are still like, “blah blah hotmail,” while trying to peddle their consumer wares at us with traditional old-media based advertisements, except we see through that.

OMG, but then I saw this new magazine that was full of people just like me! And as I read what they were in 2, I realised that I was totally in 2 that stuff 2! LOL OMG!! Like, hello the guy who is in 2 computers and math, I am so in 2 ur mustache. And the girl that is in 2 poverty reduction and shopping, girl that is so true, we should get together a/s/l? Wow, like me being in 2 them because of what they are in 2, that is like so meta. I am so checking out the website! Oh, wait you mean this is an ad for a NEW asexual cologne, by the makers of that last asexual cologne? But I thought it was just a bunch of people like me, getting together because of our mutual love of neat things and impressive bone structure. :(

OMG that sux, I feel just like I did that time the Dove Real Beauty campaign came out. I was all “finally beauty industry, we are beyond your lies!” Me and my friends totally YouTubed that commercial of how models don’t even look like models cause it’s really just photoshop trickery and then we went out and bought a bunch of shampoo (from Dove obvs.) Then someone told me that the makers of Dove also make Axe body spray, which is actually about the opposite of real women having huge thighs and frizzy hair. So I was all, you mean they are using marketing to convince me that marketing sucks? And they are totally trying to promote female empowerment and emancipation from the packaged beauty ideal while simultaneously selling the promise of scent induced female sexual slavery? :( Damn.

Sup gal, it’s me agn dnt fall 4 dat CK bullshit. N Dove’s real beauty cn suk on it. Let’s 100% ch@ on d Twitter n put ^ slutty pix of us on Myspace!!! LOL

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