VANCOUVER

Monday, September 25, 2017

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Because we have been waiting for you for a decade

jPod Watch: Episode Eight

I may have spoke too soon. Here I thought that moving jPod to Fridays was some specific and effective plot to alienate me and deter me from my sworn duty to say horrifyingly truthful things about it. But no, folks, it appears now that CBC did it for them and you and all the seniors, so I owe them a sincere apology. As well as apologizing I should acknowledge their shrewd vision and vast experience with Canadian television. This week’s episode set me straight and I’ll quickly explain: Y’see the show, at first, was a not-quite-yet-shriveled medium-sized deal — it was a Tuesday show at first. A living Canadian author actually wrote the poor thing; it dabbles with very up-to-date, very localized, sometimes tabooed topics (with the mom growing weed and the real estate child molester, etc.); it premiered in the midst of the writer’s strike, which could’ve maybe given it some remote chance to mcxplode or something on some unknown plain of Hell. Ooh and it’s based in Vancouver. Even I saw the poster for it at the bus shelter I hang out at and thought it’d be half-crappy enough to a laugh at one time. But look at us now, CBC and I. We’re barely halfway through, and doomed to writhe through another staggeringly bleak five hours including commercials of mighty gray brown, although the commercials are good for them. But this isn’t about the commercials this week, this is about a show that is already so tired that no goji berry or hand job could ever revive it. Friday is the right day.

The midget’s mom’s dad died a long time ago, y’see? And because they’re apparently North Van white trash they have a tradition to shoot off a shotgun round with a teaspoon of the midget’s mom’s dad’s ashes in it every year, so the midget invites everyone to come down to the party and shoot off guns in North Van. Meanwhile, the stunt cock is convinced that he’s going to die for some shitty reason and is therefore deleting his herpes’ Facebook account. While he’s deleting it, FHMA’sSWITW2006 sees that someone named John Doe (that’s the useless one I never mention) eats the best pussy around town, and is all wondering if the John Doe in the herpes’ Facebook is in fact the useless one I never mention. Meanwhile, the biker that the mom accidentally shot in the foot in the last episode, he wants revenge for accidentally shooting him in the foot, so he’s hiding in the bushes to shoot the midget’s mom in the ass. Someone wrote that in.

The midget has been doing this real annoying thing the past couple of episodes where he talks to Gossip Girl from the CW Network’s Gossip Girl over the internet or phone and she tells him fables to help him make the right decisions to overcome which ever issue he’s dealing with during that episode. This week his issue is that he’s sad that his mom’s dad died years ago in a poorly acted flashback, and Gossip Girl tells him a whole pile of shit. Who knows what the fuck she was talking about? So they’re all sitting around in the backyard drinking Pils (granted) and every once in a while the biker in a foot cast in a tree would try to shoot the midget’s mom in the ass and miss and hit the fucking bird feeder or some gay thing. Then, right as the midget is about to try to commit theft against Officer Clown McNulty by attempting to take possession of the illiterate girl, Officer Clown McNulty showed up in billowing red pants, sucking hard on a soother. Just up the stairs, while FHMA’sSWITW2006 and the midget’s mom are shaving each others legs for the potato salad, the useless one that I never mention explains to the penis that when he was young he had a jungle gym in the shape of a pussy, and so that proved him to be the John Doe from the herpes’ Facebook. FHMA’sSWITW2006 catches wind of this and convinces him to give that old thing of hers a scrub with his mug, no armpit. I won’t even get into that. So after a mild fiasco that involved a lot of bad fake crying, the mom finally shoots off her dad and sure enough, hits the biker in the tree which kills him, and then they neatly wrapped it up by having Thicke As A Coke Can’s (who actually did a pretty smooth drunk dad, kudos again Al) gay lover buy the house in the British Properties that the child molester needed to sell to win top molester so that they could bury the body there. Yay! The end. And I turned to my life coach and told him I had to do it, and he said I could, so I woke up early the next morning and bought sweatpants.

Next Episode: The Jogging Pants Were 2 For 1!

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