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VIDEODRONE

By only

Monday May 7, 2007

NEW MOVIE MONDAYS

This week the movies were all incredibly bad. Usually we get about one crappy movie a week, and it gets balanced out by a bunch of okay movies. If there is more than one piece of shit, they’re usually in opposing genres. But wow. Not this week. All we got were sprawling, melodramatic romantic tragedies with the odd splash of romantic comedy thrown in just to piss us off even more. And what’s going on with these “and” titles? Promise us you won’t see any of these movies.


Breaking and Entering
Anthony Minghella has always been the queen of super long bore-fests, but at least the scenery is always breathtaking. But not here. Set in ugly-as-fuck England, bad turns to worse in a hurry. Robin Wright Penn’s hilarious accent flops around like a dying fish, and Jude Law plays the exact same role he has in his last twenty movies: the guy with the uncontrollable dick. Christ, he’s like an annoying British Michael Douglas. He does it with Juliette Binoche in this movie. Isn’t that retarded?! Like he measures his depth as an actor by how often he hits the cervical wall. Hah! We’re ashamed to have ever told our friends this guy could act.


Music and Lyrics
Everyone should save a bunch of time and stop thinking up new premises for Hugh Grant movies. We have no hate on for Hugh. He does what he does, and he hasn’t tricked himself into thinking he’s some “actor” like Jude has. The depressing thing is watching Hollywood idiots struggle to find new ways to put him in movies (remember Mickey Blue Eyes?). From now on every Hugh Grant movie should be exactly the same, but just with a different love interest. The plot should go like this: Hugh is sitting on a couch in his apartment (from now on he’ll always play himself). Suddenly there’s a knock on the door. It’s an attractive, unrealistically quirky younger chick. Hugh bumbles, and hilarity ensues.


Catch and Release
Promptly turned this one off the second we found out that it had both Kevin Smith and Jennifer Garner in it. It would be way too much fun to stab Jennifer Garner to death. Don’t you think?


Fur
Fur is “an imaginary portrait” of Diane Arbus, who is an actual photographer from the ’60s. If you’re a huge Arbus fanatic this might be your wet dream, but an imaginary portrait of a real person’s life didn’t do much for us. You know why? Because seeing as how it’s “imaginary” we had no clue what to believe. Like, did Arbus really fall in love with a hypertrichotic circus freak living in her attic, then shave his entire body and ride his freshly shorn pee-pee before he killed himself by drowning in the ocean? Who’s to say? Fur isn’t even based on the truth. It’s imagined. We understand it’s about an artist, so artistic license is requisite or whatever, but all uninformed idiots like us get from this kind of crap is a depression fueled headache. However, it is always fun to see Robert Downey Jr. in the nude (even if he is covered in hair), and if we hadn’t just sat through three of the worst movies ever made, we might have had a bit more patience while watching this.


The Painted Veil
Shit China is beautiful. And strangely enough this tragic period piece about a trapped wife who moves with her husband to a remote Chinese village overrun with cholera after she’s had an affair was the highlight of the bunch. Normally we’d dehydrate ourselves pissing on this kind of thing, but somehow it managed to be both thoughtful and beautifully filmed… Man, the other movies must have been really bad.


Trailer Park Boys: Season 6
Smokes, let’s go.