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A Dozen Things Dec 1

Dozen Things

Anti War Film Festival
Two whole days filled with documentaries that essentially prove that war sucks and those who want it are fuckers. Don’t be a fucker. AOT
Dec 16-17 @ Britannia Community Center

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A Dozen Things Nov 15, 2006

Dozen Things

Video Game Orgy
Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, select, start. If you have any inkling as to what that means—or you can at least memorize it­—you’re sure to score at the Video Game Orgy. There’ll be old school console games, projections (and other technical marvels of visual consumption), couches and DJ’s, all at Video In.
Nov 18th 5-8 @ Video In

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A Dozen Things : Nov 1 2006

Amensty International Film Festival
Sex Slaves, Total Denial, (Hate) Machine, Martyr Street. No, this ain’t the track list from the latest Body Count record. It’s the “killer” lineup from this year’s most socially conscious film fest. It is understandably a bit of a downer, so pat yourself on the back for checking it out.
November 2-5 @ Pacific Cinematheque

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A Dozen Things

While most of the media has opted to ignore the fact that the world is totally fucked—turning the news into a traveling circus of over-opinionated side-parts and acquiescent botox junkies—Amy Goodman has risen to the top as the most relentless voice in modern journalism. She’s celebrating ten years on the air, which is great. CA
(Vancouver Public Library—Oct 28)

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A Dozen Things

This is the film we decided to present at the VIFF. It looks a whole lot like Sin City and Blade Runner got together, moved to Paris, ate some jambon, did some parkour and made a baby. It’s fully animated, and the first people to email go see it for free. AOT
(Granville Cinema—Oct 7@9:30pm)

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A Dozen Things

Dadaist Birthday Party
Last year, the mayor of Lawrence, Kansas (where W.S. Burroughs died) declared a number of random days throughout the year International Dadaism Month. Blim and FUSE are celebrating with balloon sculptures and something called an “experimental magic show”. Take the zebra out of the bathtub!
(VAG­—6 pm, Sept 24)

Free Art School
Go down to Emily Carr Institute’s lecture theatre at 3:40pm on Sept. 21st, Oct. 5th, 12th, and November 2nd and 23rd for free lectures on Collaboration and Constructivism guest hosted by a whole whack of educated types. Then you can hang out by the smoking doors at the Carr and talk shit and you won’t have to work at Value Village for the rest of your life to pay for it either.

Body Worlds 3
Wouldn’t it be rad if there was a box you could check on the back of your driver’s license – right next to “organ donor” – that said “stripped of skin, holding own brain in hand, riding on the back of a dead skinless horse, and holding said horse’s brain in other hand?”
(Telus Science Dome (WTF)—Sept 15th-Jan 14th)

Art Where Dreams Come True
Caleb “SONIK” Neelon is what happens to street artists when they’re not dying of AIDS or heroin overdoses. Street artists that become pop icons die of AIDS or heroin overdoses. Those that don’t get to travel the world, illustrate children’s books, and lecture at Harvard Law School. Caleb has his head wrapped in cultured street graf and produces ethereal installations around the world with everything as his canvas in adorable breadth.
(LES Studio Gallery—Sept 2-Oct 3)

Classified Ads
Just because free websites are creaming the revenue models of the mainstream media doesn’t mean the Vancouver Sun doesn’t know how to play catch up. Hours after we placed a free Craigslist ad seeking a distro person, the Sun emailed us a pitch touting their Employment Available classified ads. The price for a Sun classified? $60.

Not all of it’s going to be good, but new films by Pedro Almodovar, Aki Kaurismaki, Claude Chabrol, Chris Marker, Darren Aronofsky, Nick Broomfield, Ron Mann, Stephen Frears, Jafar Panahi and new Canadian entries from Carl Bessai, Gary Burns, Ross Weber and even Bruce McCulloch make it worth the price of admission. Maybe.
(Sept 28- Oct.13th)

The Canadian Council for the Arts love to jock electro-acoustic music. It’s deemed more important to building the foundation for culture than, say, everything else. But this event is extremely important for the 14 people who attend, and the graphic designers they employ. We recommend Hrvatski and Lee Hutzulak on the 21st and Circlesquare and Jan Jelinek on the 22nd.
(Open Studios—Sept. 18th-22nd)

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12 Things

The Psychic Soviet by Ian Svenonius
Those familiar with Nation of Ulysses, The Make Up, Weird War, and the Scene Creamers know that Ian Svenonius has always enjoyed filling liner notes with leftist radicalism in the form of abstract intellectual rambling. Not so many know that he has been concurrently writing coherent socio-political essays and publishing them in various journals, including the recently defunct Index magazine. Now, Svenonious’ literary oeuvre has finally culminated in a tiny pink book, entitled The Psychic Soviet. This Mao-esque magnum opus covers it all, from the ascendance of the DJ to how Seinfeld was responsible for the gentrification of the upper west side. Ideal for the perpetual youth of today. 300 pages, Drag City Inc. AP

Victory Square Block Party
Man, we just found out about this!
(Victory Square, Cambie and Hastings—2-9 pm, Sept 4)

Punk Rock Fashion Show
Before becoming the trailblazer in pirate-core fashion, Vivian Westwood used 4 ugly kids from London to display a new line that she had created. Two years later she gave birth to Avril Lavigne who started Joy Division. Sadly, Avril took her own life before every seeing the recognition that she deserved. CR (Lamplighter—Sept 1st)

Pat’s Pub
Now you won’t be stranded in Strathcona with a buzz on and a closed bar. Pat’s is actually open until 1 am. You can finally see the headliner with a full pitcher. CR

Damo Suzuki’s Network
From Japan via the cosmos , Damo Suzuki assembles a locally, global collective of spontaneous sound carriers to the Anza for all you in the moment now, no right now kind of kids. With help from Ghost House, Ethel the plastic cloth, Tio Madre and Johnny Karate, there’s art too by Sean Maxey, Andy Dixon, Brianna Deimert, Tom Briggs, Stephanie Fink and the Dirtbag Collective. This is not bullshit. AT
(Anza Club—Sept 7)

24 Hours Immersed
Sean Arden is sticking a catheter in his dick and playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas for 24 hours in the window of Dadabase. I wonder if he has the cheat codes for “Not Shitting”. CR
(Dadabase—Sept. 7th)

Vancouver Fringe Festival
A boiled-down affair this year, the 22 annual Vancouver Fringe Festival runs Sept 7-17. There is considerably less to see, but by a perverse logic you can therefore see a larger percentage what’s going. Stuff to absolutely see includes: Best of the Pajama Men (spectacularly weird and beautifully funny); Sleep Tight by Theatre Melee who came up with Lazy Susan last year, probably the best Canadian absurdist piece in 30 years; and A Little Life, which may well be this year’s Lucky Eights. Only’s team of theatre crickets will be reviewing shows daily-ish on its website so you can decide for yourself if we’re assholes. AH

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A Dozen Things

Columbine: The Game
It’s gonna be weird.

Montell Jordan
I was going to try and win tickets to Montell Jordan on the Beat 94.5 and then I realised I’d only be going for one song. Which made me realise it would be like going to see Right Said Fred.
Plush—May 28

Continuing its mission to gather some of the world’s deepest documentaries, this year’s festival has got movies about terrorists, insomniacs, and even something called “neo-hillbilly” music. But it’s also your last chance to see the movie State of Mind about the Mass Games in North Korea, where something like a million school children perform in what they claim to be the “biggest and most elaborate human performance on earth.
Schedule at —May 23-28

Vancouver Intl. Children’s Festival
There’s nothing pedophilic about this place, it’s just a crowded, public place where hundreds of kids come. The kind of thing we can really get behind. Like a kid. —May 15-22

Harold Pinter’s The Birthday Party
The Birthday Party was the very first play I was ever in, followed swiftly by Edward Albee’s The Sandbox and then a nervous breakdown. The play is one of the founding stones of the Absurdist Theatre movement, and still one of the darkest, funniest, bleakest nightmares committed to paper. The play is about a guy having a birthday and two devilish gentlemen who turn up for the festivities. Describing anything more would dull the experience, and we would never do that to you.
Van East Cultural Centre—May 18-27

The Strokes
There’s always a sweet mosh pit when The Strokes come to town. Just don’t scuff your new Chucks.
Plaza of Nations—May 17

Mad Decent podcast
Officially the best free thing on the planet, Diplo is the DJ that all other DJs wish they were. He travels the world, he podcasts the best of what he finds, and he finds the best stuff ever. Normally we’d just let this bubble and you could find out on your own, but the most recent one he did is direct from a post-Katrina New Orleans. It’s all about the bounce, and it is pretty much mandatory.
Subscribe on iTunes

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A Dozen Things

E-40 Hyphy Tour ‘06
We feel kinda bad for E. He’s a living legend, but when he comes to town to promote his failed “movement” he gets thrown at some Cultural Centre, while the dude with the year-old album and the tear drop tattoos gets to play at the prestigious Plush Nightclub. We’re over both of these guys though… Croatian Cultural Centre—May 7

…because this is the next shit. 18-year-olds making lo-fi banger tracks that all revolve around snapping your fingers. If “Laffy Taffy” turned you off of this movement, tracks like “Dunnadun” and “What’s Hannenin” will make you re-evaluate your whole purpose in life. These kids are rapping about going to the mall and eating candy over the sparsest, most genius beats ever. It is the realest thing in rap right now. Getcha money up.
Buy it at

A few summers ago I was in Kuala Lumpur and I took a bunch of smacked up ecstasy and saw Tiesto play at this retro-futuristic club called Zouk. I totally spaced out in this orgy of progressive Asian love, and had one of those “he’s speaking to my mind” kind of times… but I’ve been told that experience isn’t really common or anything for ecstasy users, so whatever.
Commodore—May 7&8

Puppetry of the Penis
Readers of romance novels and owners of cute piglet calendars face a serious dilemma: pay money to see two modestly hung Australians wear their dicks around their wrists like watches, or buy another KeroKeroKeroppi doll for their office cubicle.
Centre in Vancouver for Performing Arts—May 6

Anne of Green Gables
Every weekday during the month of May, high school students will be reading 15-25 minute excerpts of this modern classic on the radio. We don’t really want to make fun of high school students — they already have to contend with bullying and everything — but this seems strange, and we wanted to point that out. Tell your Mom.
Every weekday morning at 8am on CJSF 90.1 FM

Steven Seagal and Thunderbox
We’re huge fans of Steven’s work, especially that one where his son dies and then he dies but is actually in a coma and comes back to life and winds up spreading his sex Buddhist magic all over the mayor’s henchmen and then puts the gun in the guy’s mouth and the mouth bleeds.
River Rock—May 12

Cindy Sheehan
The woman who was ignored while camping out in front of George Bush’s ranch comes to Vancouver to teach Canadian mothers how to do likewise in front of 24 Sussex Drive when their sons and daughters are slaughtered in Afghanistan.
Shaughnessy Heights United Church—May 6

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A Dozen Things

April 20th Marijuana Thing
Here are two of the many things wrong with the advocates of marijuana’s legalization: 1) It’s generally the only thing that they tend advocate and that is fucking sad considering the amount of people in the world that are having their civil rights and/or their heads trampled on. 2) They look like inbreds.
Gallery Steps—April 20

Jurassic 5
What a great year for music 2000 was. N’Sync had the number one albÃ¥um of the year, “The Thong Song” was huge, The Bloodhound Gang’s Horray For Boobies went Platinum, and J5 released Quality Control… Six years and no new albums later they sell out two nights at the Commodore. Go figure.
Commodore—April 22 & 23

Mates Of State
The last time I saw this band I wanted fall in love, get married, and start a band. I don’t care what people label this band or the music they make. Unless it’s experimental pop with hooks and harmonies that make you hold your own lonely hand — because those people are right.
Plaza—April 21

Vancouver Sun Run
Like the Vancouver Sun itself, the Sun Run was popular ages ago, but gets smaller every year because its fans die of old age.
April 23

Sell Your Story: An Idea Pitching Forum
Struggling writers (who, judging by the Only staff, have no fucking money) get to pay money to pitch book and magazine ideas to a panel of publishers assembled by some guy from Western Living Magazine. There is an opportunity for mingling afterwards… at the same place that Rob Dayton used to host a karaoke night.
Lamplighter—April 25

God Or The Girl
This is basically the reality TV equivalent of Snakes on a Plane.
Sundays at 9 on A&E

Here’s the real question: do black people like Sinbad? Did they maybe just revoke his membership? Because he has just been excluded from every single black event that has taken place in the last decade. He’s not a King of Comedy. He’s not invited to The Soul Train Awards. He doesn’t even get ironically mentioned as an influence. He is literally performing in Richmond. All the time.
River Rock Casino—April 29

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